Kid stuff

[Tank]

How old are the teachers and principal? They sound like teenage camp counselors art best.

[Hobbes]

14 hours ago, Destiny Skywalker said:

So, they determined it was an accident because the bully said it was. Her consequence is that she has to apologize. Not even a separation plan. There is zero accountability at this school. They have looked at every incident on an individual basis, but where there is smoke, there is fire. Q can get along with other kids just fine in the right environment where the adults have actual expectations for behavior. I'm sitting in on a choir practice right now and the kids here are so nice. Her Girl Scout troop is a great little group of weirdos who all get along despite having a wide variety of interests.

The principal and superintendent give zero Fs. I'm going to talk to Q tonight and I have to convince her that there is nothing worth going back for. She got to do Science Fair, field trips to the Kangaroo Farm and bowling are not worth 35 more days of this nonsense. I will take her there myself.

I did express to the principal that the 6th graders are really amping up the antics the last few weeks from what I am hearing from Q at school. The comments are getting meaner, the behavior more extra. They know they are almost done at this school and no one is going to hold them accountable. She actually agreed that she had witnessed the same and was going to talk to Q's entire class about how they were not meeting behavior expectations, as well as addressing the school as a whole. They have such a culture problem there, and it's perpetuated by the school counselor who encourages sarcasm and witty comebacks instead of encouraging open, honest and kind communication. You aren't going to reach kids by stooping to their level. That's not teaching them anything. That's giving up.

I don't even know where to start.

First, an apology should never be a consequence.  Second, if the apology is supposed to be restorative, restorative practices should NEVER be used for habitual bullying.  Third, even if it was an accident, there was still harm caused and does not get you out of a consequence.  Fourth, I hate the "talk to the whole class" without a clear (clear is kind) progressive discipline plan.  Just following the fucking plan.  If you haven't been following, just tell students and parents you will begin enforcing it (it is unfair to just randomly start enforcing a rule at the end of April that was never enforced all year).  Fourth, if you followed the fucking plan, even if it is just smoke and not fire, you should escalate the consequence if the smoke doesn't stop (which is why it is called progressive discipline). 

Why is there not a separation contract with a clear progressive discipline plan?  That clarity would make everyone's life so much easier for everyone.  If Q goes to bully, bully tells staff ASAP and Q is in trouble.  If bully goes to Q, Q tells staff and bully is in trouble.  This also protects BOTH students from accusations from the other.

I put a bully on a separation contract earlier this year for way less than this.  The student broke it and was suspended.  The next step was expulsion.  The parent pulled him because she was worried "he  would be under a microscope".  I said, "that's the point".  The #1 role of a principal is to keep kids safe. 

[Destiny Skywalker]

Right now I'm working on convincing Q that homeschooling is better than this. I haven't sent her back. They want to set up a meeting for Monday morning. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to bother.

I did call the private school she's going to next year and they said they do have 3 spaces available, but they need to discuss Monday whether it would be too disruptive for a student to join so late in the year. I'm really hoping this solution works out. Q said that would be better than homeschooling.

We are taking the kids to Great Wolf Lodge this weekend as E's birthday party. Ended up being good timing. And they are Drywall texturing tomorrow so thats also good timing.

[Destiny Skywalker]

I submitted the intent to homeschool form tonight and declined the meeting with the principal. I'm tired of fighting. I don't think anything productive will come from another meeting.

I'm hoping next year's school pulls through, but if not, it's Girl Scout badge time. I'm thinking Screenwriting, a financial literacy badge, and Cybersecurity or Coding, as well as finishing Digital Movie Maker and Good Sportsmanship. I'm not super concerned about her academically, honestly.

[Jacen123]

I’m sorry that your daughter and you have had to keep dealing with all this shit.  It’s unbelievable to me.  I hope the new school works out for next year.

I had no idea Great Wolf Lodge was a thing all over the country.  We occasionally get advertisements for the one near Dallas.

It seems like we have just had a steady stream of shit to deal with involving the little guy these past few weeks.  First, on Easter, he got yet another ear infection.  He goes in strings of getting them and this is another one.   However, it doesn’t meet the ENT’s frequency guideline to be referred to one here. It’s good it isn’t worse, but frustrating, too, that we can’t do anything else to help with it.

Then, two weeks ago, his grandfather had a cup of hot water put where it shouldn’t have been and he spilled the water on himself, which prompted a visit to the emergency department since we saw some blistering  Fortunately, it was mostly just first degree burns, other than some small second degree ones where the blistering was.  The doctors kept us overnight to make sure it really was that minor since the little guy can’t speak much yet.  Fortunately, he’s almost completely healed up from that now.

Lastly, on Wednesday morning, my son at a little homemade pastry containing things he had all eaten before with no problem, but after my wife and I went to work, he started breaking out in rashes all over the upper half of his body. His grandfather called my wife to tell us, so we both raced home. Sure enough, it turned out to be an allergic reaction to something he ate. It seems like one of the ingredients was contaminated by peanuts during manufacturing and/or packaging.  Fortunately, urgent care was able to get my son to recover without the need of his epi pen or another ER visit since he had no breathing or throat swelling issues, but that was damn scary. 

We have worked so hard to baby proof our house and I carefully read all the ingredients and cautions on packaging for all food that we give him and this shit is still happening in the spots that seem like they should be the most under our control. It’s just so lucky neither of these last two things weren’t worse. I’ve woken up a times the past few nights freaked out by them, especially.

[Destiny Skywalker]

Ooof, you guys need a break. Is peanuts the only allergen or do you suspect others?

E had more than his fair share of ear infections the first few years, and then suddenly they cleared up. Hopefully it clears up for your son, too.

[Jacen123]

My son also tested positive for cow milk protein and egg allergies last year.  The milk made sense because he was super gassy and uncomfortable when he was supplement with standard formula due to jaundice early on. We discovered all of the allergies because he had horrible eczema.   It seems he got a lot of it because of what my wife are while he was still breastfeeding.  He has been able to eat baked foods containing milk and egg, but we haven’t wanted to try going any further with letting him try milk or cheese.  At a daycare party or two, he accidentally got goldfish and cheese puffs and he had a little rash on his face, though that could have also been from a cleaner they used for them  since it also happened one other time when he didn’t get cheese.  After his reaction Wednesday, we got him an appointment to get some more testing done in a few weeks so that we can see if he has developed any new allergies or any of the old ones have updated reactions.

The past few mornings, he has also started to wake up very early, before 5 am today.  I think it is a combination of him hitting the 18-month sleep regression combined with his grandfather going in with him in the mornings while he was here.  It seems like I’ve got some early morning sleep training ahead of me this week.

Oh and it also seems like he is hitting the terrible two tantrums already, too. Fortunately, he is also such an awesome, sweet little guy.

 

 

[Tank]

14 hours ago, Jacen123 said:

It seems like we have just had a steady stream of shit to deal with involving the little guy these past few weeks.  First, on Easter, he got yet another ear infection.  He goes in strings of getting them and this is another one.  

When my kid was little this happened to us too, he'd also routinely get kennel cough or colds. All of it stopped once we got his tonsils out. I'm not a doctor so I can't say that was the solve, but it was night and day.

[Jacen123]

Huh. Interesting.

We know ours gets so many infections because of daycare and all the crazy things he picks up there.  There was a stretch in the winter where he had hand, foot, and mouth, covid, and likely rsv within around three weeks of each other wrapped around teething issues, which was also pretty miserable.

[Tank]

Oof!

Yeah, the kennel cough River had was definitely just being passed around daycare.

[Destiny Skywalker]

Oh geez, we never got any of that shit at daycare. Although one of my friend's husband managed to get HFM from his kids. The doctors were shocked, they said it was like the first adult case they'd ever seen, they said his immune system must be awful.

Q got norovirus once at daycare and we were cloth diapering so of COURSE I got it. Turns out those diaper sprayers literally weaponize that stuff. After E's first eye surgery, I said screw it to cloth diapers. Something had to give and it couldn't be my sanity.

I do NOT miss babies. I admittedly think the elementary school stage is pretty fun once they learn how to read and stuff. (Q had a hard time, E just started reading one day, although his teachers said he clearly loved being read to, which we did a lot with both kids.)

[Destiny Skywalker]

So we went to clean Q's desk out after school today. The principal followed us around, which I did not appreciate. Q's teacher made sure all of her stuff was turned in (textbooks, Chromebook, library books, etc) and made a big show of it, which I appreciated because I felt like she was looking out for her.

While we were cleaning out her desks 2 pieces of paper came out. One of them was a short, 3 sentence apology from one of the boys who made fun of her when the bully hit her. It wasn't a good apology, but he tried. The other was the apology from the bully. I took a picture of it, because this was the big consequence that was supposed to make it all better.

Obviously, fuck this shit.

When we got home, the private school called and said they would be glad to have Q join them starting Monday for the last 6 weeks of the school year.  We happily accepted.

We finished one Girl Scout badge that she had already started. Tomorrow she is starting Screenwriting. I thought Tank would like that.

[Jacen123]

I’m very happy to hear that the private school is taking her to finish out the year.  I hope it is a much better experience than this last one was.

[Cerina]

They don't cover this one in the parenting books. 

About a year ago, Trevor, Noah, and I were playing a board game (Hogwarts Battle). I was about to make an absolutely amazing and game winning move, when I drew the ONE card that could undo it all. It was heartbreaking. I refused to play the game for like a month after that. So ever since then we make jokes about how violated I felt by the game and Voldemort. 

Fast forward to last night. Noah and I were chatting about something I don't even remember now, but it was semi-serious. Then this exchange happened. 

Noah - Is it Hogwarts level bad?
Me - Huh?
Noah - The game. Remember?
Me - Oh. Yeah. Worse than that. 
Noah - Is that the most violated you've ever been?
Me - ...dude. No. I'm a female who grew up in the 90s. I have definitely been more violated. 
Noah - ...well now that makes me think you're talking about rape. Have you been raped, Mom?
Me - What? No, bro. I've never been raped. 
Noah - Oh...so what did you mean? How were you violated?
Me - We'll have to have this conversation when you're a bit older. 

This is really weird for us. I don't typically dodge questions from my kids like this. We've had more than our fair share of awkward conversations. So many of them that we no longer feel awkward talking about most things that teenagers don't like to discuss with their parents. 

But I'm drawing a complete blank on how to explain the fact that I've been sexually assaulted like many women my age, but it wasn't something I even considered until I was older because that's just how things were at the time. Like, I've been groped and touched by so many people in so many different circumstances, but we were young. Things were different. Culturally these things were accepted and sometimes just expected. So I don't harbor any ill will for most of it, and I know that the boys who did these things have grown into men who probably had some uncomfortable realizations during the #metoo movement. I know many of these men now, and I know that they've grown and would never now. But in the late 90s/early 2000s? We all remember, right?

I mean, we've had some discussions about moral relativity while studying a bunch of history and other cultures, but this just feels different, ya know? I mean, we're talking about his mom! And, frankly, one of by biggest violators was his dad! I don't even know where to begin with this. It's a terrible example to give an almost 16 year-old boy that sometimes after a year or so of completely inappropriate interactions, we actually developed real feelings and are now married. That's not the message you want to send! I don't want him to think that SA is just easily forgivable. 

Seriously. Parenting books don't cover this one. 

[Destiny Skywalker]

I think it's a good conversation to have, but I think I'd also leave out the details about his dad because you don't want to set up anger towards his dad, or have him thinking well its acceptable if a girl ends up in a relationship with me eventually. I think its really important to teach kids about consent and to also teach boys that inappropriate touching or rubbing up on girls "by accident" is not acceptable.

Part of growing up is making dumb mistakes, but growing up also means realizing you made dumb mistakes and apologizing or stopping/changing that behavior. I hate teenage/early 20s me. But I've also resolved to do better now. I don't think anyone makes it through those years without acting like a fool. I wish we didn't, but hopefully we grow past it once that prefrontal cortex or whatever is fully developed.

[Destiny Skywalker]

Q had her first day the new school today. I was nervous as heck and about lost it when they called me mid-day, but it was just because they needed me to call her old school for a records request. (Then, of course, the school said no, we need a signature on something.) When I picked her up, her homeroom teacher (also Religion and History teacher) came out to tell me she did great and he's super impressed with her work already. He said she was very attentive and he appreciated that she's very outgoing and not shy. She also said it was a good day, there was the occasional weird comment (something about her wearing skinny jeans), but nothing too bad. She sat at a random lunch table and the kids asked her why she was sitting with them, because they were the rejects. That made me kind of sad for those kids. But Q stayed there and said they were nice and said she might just keep sitting there. It was mixed grades 6-8 and 3 of the kids were in her class. Honestly, folks, she's never going to be one of the popular kids. I just want her to find her weird little tribe. I was definitely not cool in high school, middle school, or even elementary. But college was the best because I went to this nerdy little tech school where everyone had similar interests. I found my husband there, life long friends, etc. It makes it so much better when you have friends to share in the journey.

[RUAJedi2]

So happy the first day went well.

[Cerina]

On 5/6/2024 at 10:32 PM, Destiny Skywalker said:

Honestly, folks, she's never going to be one of the popular kids. I just want her to find her weird little tribe. I was definitely not cool in high school, middle school, or even elementary. But college was the best because I went to this nerdy little tech school where everyone had similar interests. I found my husband there, life long friends, etc. It makes it so much better when you have friends to share in the journey.

I used to have this same worry about Noah. He's such a delightful weirdo mega-nerd. I always worried that if we ever got him away from our little homeschool/scouting social bubble he would have trouble finding people who didn't think he was a massive oddity. But lo and behold, after moving away he's found his own little tribe of weirdos at high school and several other kids at scouts that he gets along with well. 

Q's a good kid. She'll find her tribe eventually. 

[Destiny Skywalker]

I think she has a tribe, she just doesn't go to school with them. Her Girl Scout troop is great. She needs to find friends at school, though. And preferably one at soccer, too.

I think if she had gotten into the gifted program, she would've had an easier time in public school, because those kids are also weird like her. The more I think about it, I think her teacher no-recommended her. (That awful teacher went "on leave" midyear this year. I don't think she's coming back.)

[Destiny Skywalker]

So it's soccer tryouts season and it's been hell. She's gotten a garbage offer from one club (play up a year with HS girls, heck no), cut from another (basically came down to size), and now we are on tryout #3 with her original club that fired the psycho coach. We decided to have her play at the lowest club level so she could have more fun, and take spring off. But when I signed her up, the club actually reached out to say hey we remember Q, are you sure you didn't want to sign her up for premier? I told them she would be willing to consider a middle team offer, so they asked her to come to tryouts for premier and select (lowest level). We went to premier tryouts yesterday and I said hey get to know the coach for the middle team, see if you like him. See if you like the girls. They had a huge turnout the night before for the top team, but it was dead yesterday. Some of her old teammates were there still going (the coach has lots of choices so he is going to make them all wait until the final day of tryouts), but many of them had middle school track meets. Not a lot of girls, quite frankly doesn't look great for a middle team. But the middle team coach was absolutely rude to her and I don't get this behavior.

Coach: go sub in at wide

Q: what's the girl's name?

Coach: (stares at her)

Q (to another girl): hey the girl playing wide, what's her name?

Girl: it's ______.

Coach: Now you know the name.

Q was upset because she said the guy stared at her like she was an idiot. And while she might be a little sensitive, we've seen this behavior in coaches before. They tell her the position to sub in for but not the name, sometimes having her call for the wrong sub (like left vs right)... or they tell her the name but not the position and she plays in the wrong spot because maybe that girl plays multiple positions. And it's always Q's fault.

I told Q that she needs to keep in mind that she is a good communicator and thinks about these things (like how am I going to call this girl off if I don't know her name?), and other people just don't think about it. Why are adults like this? I get it, it's tryouts and he is a new coach. He doesn't know the girl's name, either. But he shouldn't expect her to know. And he shouldn't give her attitude for asking questions that will help her accomplish what he's asking her to do.

Anyway, I don't think she will accept an offer from this guy if they can even cobble together a team. I think the extra 10-11 girls that showed up the first night are back at their old clubs making sure they get an offer there, and they will only come back if it's a top team offer. They won't accept a middle team offer. Q also hurt something in her leg. My husband looked at it last night and he said it's definitely inflamed, she definitely hurt something. So she can't go back tonight anyway. I hope it is better for Saturday so she can go to the lower team tryouts.

[Hobbes]

On 5/9/2024 at 8:02 AM, Destiny Skywalker said:

So it's soccer tryouts season and

stopped reading right here for my blood pressure. 

 

 

 

[Destiny Skywalker]

Trust me, you made the right decision, I just needed to vent.

In good news, they couldn't make a B team anyway. We skipped the 2nd tryout night to go to a winemaker dinner and it was absolutely the right decision. Parents were texting me like omg why is Q not here and I was like because I'm drinking wine and she is babysitting and also soccer tryouts are dumb. I win.

[Destiny Skywalker]

The first week of middle school is over. She already has a group of friends, there's rumors about who likes her, and her new BFF asked her to stop "flirting" with the guy she likes (Q will literally talk to anyone, I can see how this would be misinterpreted by a shyer girl). She asked me how does she know if a boy likes her.

Save me, guys.

[Hobbes]

On 5/11/2024 at 4:26 PM, Destiny Skywalker said:

The first week of middle school is over. She already has a group of friends, there's rumors about who likes her, and her new BFF asked her to stop "flirting" with the guy she likes (Q will literally talk to anyone, I can see how this would be misinterpreted by a shyer girl). She asked me how does she know if a boy likes her.

Save me, guys.

This is awesome. 

There is more accountability, community, and greater ability to for everyone to stay on top of shit at a smaller school.  I had a mom pull her son because I put him on a safety plan for bullying.  She was like, "I don't like this plan because he will be under a microscope" and was all, "he will be--that's the point".

[Destiny Skywalker]

Did you not see the part about boys?

Just kidding, this is the most normal week of school she has had in a long time. I do think that there's a little bit of new kid novelty that will wear off by the end of the year, especially with the boys. She's new, they aren't sick of her crap yet. On the other hand, I used to make my friends furious for the same crap in high school. When you're a tomboy, you can talk to guys about things they are interested in. It makes if easier for them to open up, and when you make it easy for them, they usually end up being interested. My friends had no idea how to talk to guys and they were always so pissed about the amount of attention because I was definitely the nerdiest and probably not as cute (at least according to their standards of femininity). Q is likely going to have the same problem. I hope she picks better friends than I did.

She went to the lower team tryouts and did awesome, but they don't really have enough girls and she was the strongest player by far. She is the smallest, but her feet have grown 2 sizes in 2 months so that final growth spurt is coming. They might bring up some younger girls to make a team which would be great, because 2 of her Girl Scout friends tried out for the younger team. Tonight if the final night of tryouts so we should know soon, but there's no way she's not making this team.

As a backup plan, I've reached out to the coach at another club that she did a lot of training with. She wants to see Q on Wednesday. We decided this team was too far away (30 minute drive without traffic) and requires too much travel (games in Idaho at least 1-2x per year). I'm also worried the coach is a psycho by reputation, but she has been really good to Q during their trainings and Q really likes her and is motivated to work hard for her. (I think Q really wants a female coach, fortunately the lower team coach is also a woman, and Q said she had a good sense of humor at the tryouts.) I may see if I can negotiate Q being a guest player for them when they have too many absences or local summer tournaments. They also play year round, so maybe she could play for them in the spring if she decides she wants to play spring after all.