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So my dad always talked about moving back to his hometown after he retired, and he is preparing to retire in August 2022. This past month, he asked whether he should consider moving out here and help with the kids. I think COVID made him even more lonely than he was.

Pros: I need help with the kids. I can be there for him if there's a medical emergency.

Cons: My dad makes me nuts after about 3 days now. I love him and appreciate everything he did for me, but he's kind of high maintenance now and Type A. He is also going to have to change his parenting style to be more ADHD friendly. Washington is expensive AF for housing, so my dad would have difficulty affording a place in the Seattle suburbs.

We had already talked about moving to a house in a different school district with more land for the kids and dog, and privacy because my husband thinks everyone is super interested in what we do in our backyard (they aren't). Our timeline lines up well with his timeline, as we think this is the last year I can handle in our school district, so I was already planning on meeting with a realtor next week to start the search. I think we are going to need at least an acre because I think we will need a mother-in-law apartment or tiny house or something for my dad to have his own space so we don't all make each other nuts. My husband also wants a detached office in this new work from home environment because being home with us all the time is driving him crazy and he feels like he can't leave the "office".

Have any of you had a parent live with you? Was it hard? Or the best thing ever?

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I would rather cut off an arm than live with either of my parents. But I know several families who do this and it works for them. 

To me, the parenting style would be a complete non-negotiable, so I would have some very frank conversations about that ASAP if you even think things are going to lean that way. 

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30 minutes ago, Cerina said:

I would rather cut off an arm than live with either of my parents. But I know several families who do this and it works for them. 

To me, the parenting style would be a complete non-negotiable, so I would have some very frank conversations about that ASAP if you even think things are going to lean that way. 

This...

I have seen this situation go poorly so many times.  If he does move out---Isn't your dad also an engineer---maybe rather than explaining it as a parenting style, you could approach it from a brain science perspective and show how ADHD is caused by irregular blood flow in the brain and compare it to his health issues and the interventions/ precautions he has to make. 

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I love my parents, but that relationship is complicated by many factors. There is not any manner in which I could imagine living with them that would be viable for any persons involved. As such I have no experience that could help here, but all my kudos to those that can manage a family unit of that type.

My only advice would be honesty and kindness. Which of course does not mean a utopian situation with your family will develop just because you have been honest and kind. However regardless of the end result, perhaps it would be conciliatory to know that you were forthright and were willing to accommodate within whatever boundaries you had set.

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24 minutes ago, Tank said:

How would I ever get laid with my mom in the house?

The same way everyone else gets laid with your mom in the house?

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Dad is an optometrist and amateur astronomer. I agree its a must-have conversation. I may be able to get him to read a book to understand. He's not a bad guy, he's just a Boomer. He's not one of those "children should be seen and not heard" types, fortunately, but he was raised with 2 brothers so he's not much for showing emotion. My concern is actually for my daughter, too. Both kids tend to blow up a bit and he is going to have to remain calm instead of telling THEM to just calm down. Honestly, we all need to work on this in this household. My husband is very triggered lately by any sort of outburst, he has ADHD too so he gets upset when things are chaotic.

My dad is probably the most likely out of all of our parents to make it work. He's the most engaged with the kids and the most flexible. For some reason my in-laws are zero help with the kids, and I think they weren't even that interested in raising my husband. My dad loves kids and loves being a grandpa. He also raised 3 horrible stepchildren, so maybe I shouldn't worry so much. Most of my issues with him are things like he will want me to do something and he will want it done NOW. Like I always make him a birthday cake because his birthday is on Christmas so he will buy the mix and sprinkles and everything even though I've told him I've got it handled. And if I don't make it by some certain time he will start doing it. He is very big on traditions and doesn't like deviating from them. I think traditions are nice but I'm flexible in order to keep the peace or to keep my kids from losing their crap. I started calling him Cruise Director on our last vacation because he has an itinerary in mind every time we get together and I like flexibility on vacation.

TL;Dr HAYOOOOO TANKS MOM

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I’ve lived with both parents and my grandmother most of my life, including now. But that’s a hugely different dynamic than having my dad move in when you have an established family and routine.

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I just can add to the others by saying you have to have some flex. I know it's going to be hard.  I could live my step-mom and Dad for a while though. It helps that they're good cooks. The only thing that they tend to do is yell a lot because Dad's deaf. HAHAHAHA.

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My mom is such a special deal that there's no comparison. She makes life hell at times without even needing to be here, and when she lived with us after my dad died, we basically had to kick her out because she was killing us. It was the worst time in our marriage, and in our individual lives. Things got so bad that I basically started doing my wife's homework for her when she was taking classes for a masters degree, just to try to give some peace. And we didn't even have kids then.

My mother-in-law would be difficult in other ways, but we could make it work with her. She's worked with young children for decades as a kindergarten teacher, and is good at creating health boundaries. But she lives with her autistic adult son and her live-in boyfriend, so that's never going to happen. Plus we really would have to move to let someone live with us. Our house is fine for our needs, but we couldn't fit another adult in here for more than a few nights. 

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My MIL lived with us for 4 months to help with my son when we had a mutual parting of ways with his preschool, because there were no other local openings, and we were not at the point where we could even trust another daycare. It was awful and she took an opportunity to sneak back to Florida as fast as she could. She really does not want to help with the kids and her parenting style is not even a parenting style, its barely above neglect and mild verbal abuse. The stories my husband tells me from his childhood were pretty sad. I will never let her have the kids for an extended period of time. Unfortunately, I've realized that she also has undiagnosed ADHD and sensory processing issues. She is very impulsive, and honestly, not in great health (stage 2 kidney failure from popping ibuprofen like candy and anorexia) or very safe, so I fully expect her to die very suddenly from illness or a car accident (doesn't wear her seat belt and is a terrible driver) in the next 10 years. We just spent a week there and my husband who is a homebody had to get out of the house to get away from the constant arguing with her husband and finally she started to try to pick arguments with him even. Also lots of spouting Faux News nonsense. As Spam mentioned, she is hard of hearing so there is a lot of miscommunication and misunderstandings, but she is genuinely mean to her husband. He's kind of a lazy schmuck but I don't think he deserves half of what he gets from her. Unfortunately, according to his mom, he is also a pervert with a porn/sex addiction, so I also won't let my daughter be left alone in a room with him. (Same kind of goes for my son, but I kind of don't let him out of my sight anyway.)

My husband's dad and stepmother are an interesting case. My husband's half-brother was diagnosed with autism when he was 3 and they spent a ton of time in therapy and helping him. (He is now a civil engineer and while a little quiet and awkward, is self-sufficient.) His stepmother is pretty supportive and one of my favorite people in our family, but his dad is a real hardass former executive type. He barely tolerates our kids, but I'm not even sure he likes his own kids. I think he hated being a parent and is just DONE. He left my husband's mom because he decided he wanted a stay-at-home wife to manage everything or just not even be involved in parenting. He apparently kind of came around later, and my husband is probably now his favorite because he's the most successful and businessy. So he likes seeing my husband but could care less about the rest of us. I would absolutely be willing to let his stepmother move in with us but not his dad. He is in his mid-seventies, and his wife just turned 60, so likely we will never have to take care of him, fortunately. If she needs care in her older years, we will find a way to make it happen. The brother with ASD is her favorite kid, though, so he may be able to handle most of it but we will do what she needs when it comes to that.

My dad is mostly just a boring divorcé who likes wine and astronomy. Unfortunately, a little bit of a conservative Christian type who voted for Trump because he thinks its the Christian thing to do but was probably secretly not too sad that he lost because he knows he's a jerk, he just doesn't like evil baby-killing Democrats. He sent me some Focus on the Family book about how to raise your kids in a Christian environment that is still sitting in the box and will likely never be opened. I was like, dad, my daughter attends a Christian private school, come on. Washington state will make him a little crazy, but he lived in the Chicago area for 20 years so hopefully he won't lose his mind too much. We will also be moving to a "redder" area, even though its just 2 or 3 miles away. Dad also is a great,  compassionate doctor but a poor businessman and did not make good decisions with finances. He has little savings but has tons of money tied up in all kinds of insurance (life, long-term care, etc). He paid for my college to his detriment, so I do want to help him out even though he would never take a penny from us. He is in his late-60s and is the only surviving brother, and his parents both barely made it to 80. I honestly think I have maybe 10 more years left with him, so I'd like to not live 1,000 miles away from him for that.

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So I think it's weird based on all the mental stuff our parents have that we even came about. When I was dating this guy I knew from second grade and pined for ever since after college, Chris, and pinning my hopes on marrying him way back in the years before I joined this board we used to have conversations like, "If I married you, do you think you would have kids?" And his answer was "Have you seen my Mom? That's a genetic mess I would not want to deal with children."

Oddly his brother, Tim, did finally get married and overcame that fear of what the kids were turn out like if he had them and they have two kids but I think they suffer a bit for the sins of the past. His wife has PTSD from being in Iraq and having a bomb go off near her that caused back damage. So the kids are super quiet and always looking to see what's happening with Mom but more open and freer around Dad. They generally go to Dad more than Mom for a lot of stuff. They are SUPER chonks because of the foods they consume - lots of sugary stuff (For example when we go out to eat as a group the youngest just gets queso and chips to eat and he consumes all of that while the rest of his meal is ignored) - which I suspect is a guilty I know we do you wrong so you can have whatever you want to eat. Tim is a very good Dad. He's patient-ish and dotes on the boys but they're spoiled and have been to way to many things I would find outrageously expensive (Disney World twice a year, Hawaii once a year, Europe, pulled out of school to go to Monster Truck rallies). HIs youngest has ADHD and his oldest I can tell is suffering from some parental sins as he gives up a lot to mollify his brother and keep the peace.

The Mom of these two guys has bipolar disorder, is deaf, some nerve damage and a kind of parkinsons like palsy and in general has issues with even the most basic instructions. 

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Any time someone asks me if I'm having more kids, I tell them I've already played Russian Roulette twice with my gene pool. I also often quietly say that both of my kids probably should've been only children so that I could better help them with their needs. One with anxiety (and generally emotionally needy) and one with ADHD is hard, and they both get the short end of the stick sometimes. I think they will still be awesome adults when they grow up, but getting them there alive is the tricky part. I think my kids will both have non-traditional and maybe multiple jobs. I'm starting to think the 40-hour work week and 9-5 work day is a racket anyway, but once you're in, its hard to break free. Best case my company will let me work 32.1 hours a week and then I have been told I can kiss any kind of career advancement goodbye. So if I don't make it into the special engineering club by 2024, I'm retiring in place. I'm done playing the game that is skewed towards white men with stay-at-home wives.

Looked at a house this weekend, unfortunately it was not the one. It was a 1500 sq ft farmhouse (more like 1200 sq ft, they are clearly lying about the size) with a detached 1000 sq ft garage on 1.3 acres. Unfortunately, most of the land was not usable and it was very sloped. My husband is getting anxious because now we are on a "timeline". Inventory is very low right now. He is also hot to sell our house since the market is crazy, but if we have no place to go, that won't do us any good. He has also proposed buying an RV and living in that, I told him we would all lose our shit.

Also considering maybe having a nearby home for my dad in a little trailer park. We see him this weekend so we will have to talk about what he is comfortable in. Maybe he's cool with one big crazy house and no separate living space.

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That housing market is EXACTLY why Tina and I are still in the condo.  I could probably sell the condo in a day for more than  wanted or paid but I won't get a new construction house until maybe January 2020. And the apartment rental market is stupid on pricing. LIKE hey lets charge you more than this shithole is worth so you can have a roof over your head for 6 months and then go month to month because they won't have my house ready by the time they say they will because of a lack of construction materials and workers.

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Well it sounds like the Grandpa Casita is a no-go. My dad really wants to move back home to Nebraska and maybe move closer to us in 5-9 years. I think he is going to be lonely and his friends won't have time for him. Maybe I should set him up a profile on Our Time so he can find a nice lady.

Looked at another house today, went crazy applying for a loan and a HELOC. Turned out the house was practically built into a hill and you could jump on the roof if you did parkour or something. But no Grandpa Casita makes it a little less complicated.

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