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My mom had me at 18 and raised me as a single mom.  As a retail worker, her hours were long and hard.  She always put me first.  I owe her so much and I proudly considered myself a mama's boy.

My dad left when I was 4.  My relationship with him growing up was non-existent at best to abusive at worst.  For years I harbored resentment towards him and often wished something awful would happen to him.  About 10 years ago he was diagnosed with MS and he changed dramatically to the point that I started considering rebuilding a relationship with him. 

In January, I finally talked with my mom about what happened to my older son after she sent Christmas presents to the boys and a birthday present to my younger son.  I told her she cannot be married to the man that molested my son AND have a relationship with my son.  She said she could not leave her husband.   I said goodbye.

Over the last few years, my father, whom can barely walk even with the support of a walker,  cared of my grandfather in the later stages of life.  Feeding, diapering...whatever.  My grandfather is the most significant and influential person in my life.  During that time, I have slowly built a relationship with him...even saying I love you to him clearly...not just rushed through it.

I am struggling with the fact that the person who sacrificed everything for me I shut out of my life and the person that left us is really, outside of my wife and kids, in many ways the only family I have.  I know I made the right decision to cut my mom out of my life and take some comfort that I have never second guessed this.  But something feels off about this...not right.  Maybe the family I always had growing up is now nearly gone and the family I resented is all I have.

I don't know what I expect from posting this...but I needed to for myself.  I dunno.   

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I'm no psychologist, but I imagine you are really hurt (and as you accurately described, betrayed) by the one person who always stood by your side. Of course that feels not right.

You probably never expected your dad to change, either. I am glad that he came around and that you were able to repair that. Maybe some day there will be redemption for your mom but that will have to be up to you. I think it's different when someone hurts your kids versus you.

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I feel for your situation, Hobbes. I’m sorry you are going through this. If there are motions you are taking to help find peace and justice then I hope you are successful at them.

You aren’t alone in having to deal with these things. As someone who’s been told that, I know it doesn’t help initially, but knowing there are people that understand in some way what you’re going through does eventually provide some measure of calm.

From what I understand here, what you and your family are dealing with will be something you will need to work on and rework on repeatedly through life. That seems crushing even blunt, I know from experience, but understanding there is no quick fix or magic answer was useful for my journey.

As for your journey, you can move forward, and when you think you can’t, there are people that can help you along the way.

If you can afford it, definitely reach out to a therapist. If you can’t, there are usually groups you can attend which, as awkward as they seem at first, can provide good support. This is a leg work thing for you however, not being familiar with your location of course.

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I see these as two separate situations.  Your father seems to have changed.   People can change for the better.  I think reconciling with your Dad is a good thing.  You should not feel guilty reconciling with him.  

I think it is very unfortunate that your mom chooses to stand by the man who hurt your son, but you made the right call.  Perhaps unlike your Dad, your Mom also changed, but in this case, she changed for the worse.  Perhaps one day, you will be able to reconcile with her, but I know that only one thing will allow for that, and at present, that is unlikely.  

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I think it's our nature, and the nature of trauma, to put things one a timeline oh who did what awful thing when. Sometimes we have to, because we need the context to decide if we are going to forgive or not.

I'm a very giving person, and I give people who hurt me a lot fo chances, probably more than I should. I do not like things being unresolved. But sometimes, forgiveness isn't possible. That said, you can't carry the weight of NOT forgiving somebody. Forgiveness and absolution are two different things, sometimes they go together, sometimes they don't.

You can forgive a person and welcome them back.

You can choose not to forgive, and hold a grudge.

You can choose not to forgive, but absolve yourself of hanging on to that resentment.

These are all valid and the only thing that should really direct them is how you want to feel, and what feels right. Things like time, severity of the trauma, and what you THINK the response should be can effect you-- but they can also make you misjudge what you need to do to move ahead with your life.

As long as you feel as though things are in the right place, right now, that's what matters less than the path to get there.

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It's shocking when you have the realisation that people may not be the people you believed them to be all along. I'm glad you have made repairs to your relationship with your father, but sorry you are going through this loss with your mother. It's shit, no two ways about it. But you've made the right call. Your family is your wife and kids and from what you have said here you have done right by them. Stay strong man, but talk whenever you need.

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