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Definitely nothing wrong boring with meeting your spouse young and not having many problems. I actually met my wife when I was a sophmore in college, she was a freshman. I was actually like the first person she met there, I had volunteered to be part of the "welcome crew" which helped freshman move in. Pro tip: every male in college should do this, best way to meet girls who don't know anyone else and think you are actually cool before they meet people who are way cooler than you. We were together that entire year, the following summer and then into about October of the next school year. She dumped me because of stupidity on my part. I never cheated but my priorities became all about going out with my friends and all that. I deserved to be dumped and in reality wanted to be I was just too much of a ass to not end it myself. Which is pathetic. Nevertheless through a series of events we got back together about 12 years later and 9 years after I had even seen her and well that was all she wrote.

I sometimes wonder if the intervening years were a waste? They probably weren't. I needed to "sow my wild oats" and she did too. I hadnt been with many girls before her and she was one of those girls who had 1 boyfriend all through high school and then literally met me when she was moving into college. Did we need 12 years? Probably not but we did need some of that time. 

 

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Didn’t get abducted or eaten or murdered. Totally worth it. This place has a 360 view of the LA basin.

My day at work was really light, so I decided for some reason to hit the high points of my relationship past: I went on my first date as a junior in high school, and it didn't exactly go well. It

I am two of these women.

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I hated dating the first time around, and legit had no interest in even dating my wife at first. I had given up, but then our friendship kept developing and then we were married. 
 

I basically hate spending time with people, so the idea of meeting new people and spending time with them is a nightmare scenario.

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6 hours ago, The Choc said:

Definitely nothing wrong boring with meeting your spouse young and not having many problems. I actually met my wife when I was a sophmore in college, she was a freshman. I was actually like the first person she met there, I had volunteered to be part of the "welcome crew" which helped freshman move in. Pro tip: every male in college should do this, best way to meet girls who don't know anyone else and think you are actually cool before they meet people who are way cooler than you. We were together that entire year, the following summer and then into about October of the next school year. She dumped me because of stupidity on my part. I never cheated but my priorities became all about going out with my friends and all that. I deserved to be dumped and in reality wanted to be I was just too much of a ass to not end it myself. Which is pathetic. Nevertheless through a series of events we got back together about 12 years later and 9 years after I had even seen her and well that was all she wrote.

I sometimes wonder if the intervening years were a waste? They probably weren't. I needed to "sow my wild oats" and she did too. I hadnt been with many girls before her and she was one of those girls who had 1 boyfriend all through high school and then literally met me when she was moving into college. Did we need 12 years? Probably not but we did need some of that time. 

 

My husband and I started dating when I was still in high school. He'd graduated. Actually my senior prom was our first date. We broke up after almost 2 years together. We stayed broken up for 6 years , and he actually married and divorced someone else in that time, until he accidentally knocked me up (we weren't that great at being broken up, obv). We needed that time apart to sow oats and mature. 

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I feel that how ever it happens for someone is good, provided, you know, legalities and stuff like that obviously.

I wish Cupid was like a real afterlife job, because with as emotional as I get seeing the longing people have and it just hasn’t happened I’d totally just be kapow, boom, zap, pew pew, bbbbbrrbrbrbbbrbraprap (that’s my attempt at a machine gun).

Heck if not Afterlife Cupid, I’d take the Aunties in Practical Magic you know just bringing people together, wisely but snarkily shunning morons, and of course the magical chanting drinking game looks fun too. Also I am a man still. Pretty sure.

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There are several things that should be discussed before committing to a relationship. People say that anyway, I dunno what people specifically. I favor the blunt approach, even though I’ll usually immediately chicken out and instead vocally come at an issue as if Mr Rogers was a couples therapist. I guess the idea of being forthright sorta pulls the veil away from the magic of romance, but it feels true to do regardless of that.

I adore my wife, but I’m not sure how much smaller I can make myself before I’m just living out of a backpack that I would have to stow under our bed. My wife has ten drawers over three furniture pieces, plus literally 3/4s of our hanging space in our closet for clothes. Every single space is packed with clothing items. We’re in the process of negotiating this, to be clear. 

Oh I am sure this issue can be taken as sexist. I really hope I’m not being that. In fairness my eldest son is apparently as “bad” in his own relationship regarding his large amounts of clothes. So maybe it’s more a non-gender and personality specific thing.

Whatever it is, setting boundaries about storage spaces is probably important going in, instead of it being decades later and possibly requiring a UN Arbitrator to defuse an arms race. Actually this might be as important as having separate spaces for your toothbrushes, or at the very least storing them in a V shape so the moist bristles of your partner’s toothbrush are not French kissing your toothbrush every morning.

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In my last long term relationship getting a housekeeper saved us. For the record, I wasn’t the messy one.

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My wife likes to hide stuff in my closet, like toys she wants to get rid of but needs to hide for an extended period to see if kids even remember it - my mom buys a lot of crap so it’s easy for them to forget some of it.

 

Right now it includes a giant Squishmallow Grogu, which means I have to pile clothes on top of it, making it look like I’m just a slow who stores half of his clothes on the floor. But as long as she doesn’t complain it’s okay, and so far she seems to remember why I’m forced to do it. And the kids aren’t using it as an excuse to not clean their rooms yet, but I’m sure it’s coming.

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I know you meant “slob” but I am totally going to start calling people “a slow.”

Jacob is a slow.

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On 5/5/2021 at 9:30 AM, Odine said:

I done a fair share of sleeping around in my 20s. I can't recall the number of people who've bumped uglies with me. Not that I was one to count.. but if I had to hazard a guess I'd say I've slept with over 20 people but less than 40. Met my wife when I was 29 turning 30.  She blew every other sexual encounter out of the water. I'll spare the details but man, she's awesome. We've been together 7 years now and the only itch I get is for her. 

Counting? I'll tell you what I told my first ex-husband; at least 100, 75 I could name

 

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I suppose that makes for a good segue into where I am at now...

A few months back, with the end of restrictions in sight and vaccinations picking up, I  went onto a few dating apps. I really didn't want to, as I feel a bit old for them-- but it's not like I was going to be able to go out in the world and meet anybody.

I tried tindr, which everyone knows about. OKCupid, which, when it was just a website, is how I met my last long term partner, and Feeld, which is more centered on alt lifestyles and kinks.

Tindr proved itself to be useless really fast. Tindr is nothing but super basic people, who like coffee and hiking, who either want marriage or an instant hook up. Also, it made me feel like every single woman in LA between the ages of 28 and 48 has a stupid dog that is clearly the center of their life.  

None of these things work for me. I suppose I should state what I am looking for. Here's how my basic ad reads:

Well read, educated, Dry sense of humor, likes dad jokes. Have a dad bod to accompany Dad jokes. Screenwriter (for real, in WGA). Former goth kid, tattoos, horror movies. Not afraid of occasional adventure, but let's be honest, I'm an indoor cat that prefers delivered food, binging content, and staying in. Youthful in appearance and attitude. Likes naps, botanical gardens, tacos, MC furniture, drag queens, art galleries, intimacy, reckless (but safe) abandon. Pro YOUR MOM jokes. Want something better than rando nameless casual sex, connections preferred-- but also not interested in a serious marriage-bound relationship. Interested in long-term dating with boundaries.

With OKCupid I met a handful of people, but in talking to them it petered out quick. I hate small talk, but it really does help you filter people out if they can't hold a basic conversation. One woman hung in well and we talked on and off for a month or so, with plans to meet once we were both fully vaxxed. It was mostly PG conversation. There was a small red flag in that she really seemed to get annoyed when I didn't return her texts right away-- which was one of the things about "Gray" that ended up being a problem.

We never met because once I started to venture out post-vaccine, I had brunch with a friend and posted a pic of her. I got a message from OKC girl that reads OH SO YOU'RE DATING ALREADY and she proceeded to block and unfriend from everywhere we had connected. Seemed like a really severe overreaction to the fact I was hanging out with a woman.

(Sidebar, I do not have anything going on with my brunch mate, but she is stunning. And hanging out with her led my last long time partner to mute me briefly on IG, and also triggered Gray at one point. For some reason, some women really don't like me having a hot friend.)

At any rate, OKCupid had a few gems, but was shaking out to be mostly the same level of basic I was getting off tinder: women who thought being into hiking and yoga could substitute for having a personality.

That left me with Feeld, which is full of weirdos. One great thing about Feeld is that really caters to the notions that gender, sexual orientation, and relationships themselves can all exist on a spectrum. I was lead to Feeld by friend I will refer to as "Seattle" because that's where she lives.

Seattle, so I thought, was happily married with a kid and a normal life. We were casual acquaintances and we ended up having a talk when i was public about my break up from the last big one. She hit me up because her and her husband had also just split, but had not gone public. In fact. they were staying together for their kid. And while we all know that's a bad idea, they came up with this plan. They rented a second place near their home, and both of them started dating other people, trading off who was staying in the other place.

She told me she had decided to be "solo polyamorous." I don't know about you guys, but my exposure to poly people was generally in the form of weirdo sister-wife groups, or really obnoxious gamer couples who live with other gamer couples and invite you to play D&D with them then get all gross in front of you.

Solo poly centers on the idea that a person can live their life on their own, uncoupled, and have multiple partners whom they have feelings for. This is adjacent to ENM (ethical non-monogamy), a lifestyle super popular with millennial kinksters in which you can be partnered or solo, but you still date and have relationships or "play partners" while being up front with all parties involved about what you are doing. Then there's relationship anarchy where one takes the stance that all relationships, be they platonic, romantic, sexual or non-sexual, exist on the same playing field and the only rules and boundaries are what you and you various partners agree upon.

I know it sounds like these are all just variations of justifications to sleep around or be a swinger, but they actually aren't. Casual sex certainly isn't poo-pooed by these lifestyles, but at the same time, they all encourage genuine connection and feelings for people and just highlight that you can do that with more than one person at a time.

So without necessarily assigning myself to any of those things, the idea of remaining my own person who isn't interested in working toward marriage, but would still also like to have dates where things have room to grow and isn't afraid to have feelings for somebody-- it seemed like Feeld would be a good platform for me.

Since joining a few months ago (and the third profile I spotted being Gray) I have met and proceeded to date three women: "KP," "NM", and "JP"

This is already TL;DR so I'll come back and share the dirty details about them later.

 

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I am going to assume that JP stands for Jurassic Park because she is really old.  Please don't shatter my illusion.

Or maybe her name is Amber.

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1 hour ago, Tank said:

GOD DAMN IT

It's her initials. She's 40. WHY YOU GOTTA BE THE WAY YOU ARE

What part of "don't shatter my illusion" is hard to understand?  Also, I'm clearly going to call her Jamber now.

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The human need to classify and quantify every nuance of human behaviour into categories really pisses me off.

That said, when I was younger I was totally "Relationship Anarchist". 

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So here's my current dating life...

"Seattle" as the free-wheeling spirit she is, stayed the night as she moved through California recently on a trip to see family. I think this will be a comet style relation ship, as few years we enter into an orbit and make a big deal out of it.

"Metal" continues to be in a weird place. Whenever we text we just seem out of sync. I feel like she's mad at me, but then she jokes around, but then i say something that falls flat and I can't read her. I really need to just be open with her. She just always seems very reticent to talk on anything too serious. It's not bad, but it's been a couple months now since I've seen her.

"NM" was somebody I connected to on Feeld. Our profiles seemed very in sync, our texting game was strong, we seemed to be super hitting it off. We went to dinner, felt like it was going great. She asks me to drive her home, which I do. And as we enter she introduces me to her husband (who I knew about.) Little odd, but he seemed cool with everything. They both date I guess. But then her kid was there, and I was less comfortable with that. I do all my dating when my kid is with his mom. Anyway, we go out back to their pool house, which is where they take their dates-- and she proceeds to get shitty drunk and really stoned, which I am not a fan of. She says she doesn't really feel it, and tbh I wasn't either, so I bounced. It was all very polite and mature.

"JP" Is a tyrannosaurus I met in a jungle. I mean, another girl I met on Feeld. Like the above, we've had a strong text game and seem in tune with each other-- but I think she may be a little too into bondage for my likes. She seems a little intense and I get a slightly unsafe vibe from her-- even though she works as a nurse and has little kids and seems responsible. We're going to have lunch on Thursday and I'll feel it out. But she seems READY TO GO.

"KP" is a got dam treasure. It's been about a month in a half since our first date and we've seen each other at least once, if not twice, a week since then. Very chill. Very smart. It was instant chemistry and we've had zero awkward moments or uncomfortable silences. We've had a few sleepover dates at this point and we're planning a weekend trip next month. In some ways it has moved very fast, but of all the people I've met she has the most clear boundaries, so in other ways we're still very casual. She is staunchly anti-monogamy and has ended multiple relationships with dudes who think they can change her. She is very sexually active (pre lockdown), and has frequented sex parties and been half of a swinging couple a few times. That said, and this goes DIRECTLY to my ego, she has confessed that there's a level of intimacy and intensity with me that she hasn't really experienced before (and it is mutual).

So the obvious question is-- if we're so crazy about each other but we're still dating others, isn't there a chance of jealousy, insecurity, or worse? Yes, of course. But... I know from experience that being in a monogamous relationship doesn't mean your partner is immune from being attracted to or falling for somebody else. If there's one thing that dating in this openly non-monogamous way requires-- it's that you have to be very honest and upfront with your boundaries and needs.

If anything, that has made for a lack of awkward conversations because it was all put right out from the beginning. The other thing she has taught me, is that there is a way to find a balance between my fierce independence and need for alone time with also wanting to be paid attention to and liked. The problem I had in my last relationship with being present and turning my work brain off-- it's been so much easier with her. She's a writer as well, so I know she gets it. But if we both know where and when we'll be seeing each other again we can prep our brains for it. and then when we are together, be present for it. She's so good at that and making me feel like the center of the world when we're together that I haven't thought at all about who else she may be dating. It has zero bearing on the time we spend together.  

Well... except for the woman I know she's seeing. I think about that A LOT. I think those streams may get crossed.

"Blue" is an interesting case. I wouldn't actually consider us to be dating. She's a friend I know through a mutual online who recently moved to LA. We were excited to be real friends once she got here. She's a lot younger than me, not yet a professional, still finding her way, etc. Our lives and lifestyles are very different. She has this intoxicating good energy. Even when she's pissed off about something she radiates good vibes. And it's not just me, her social media is full of people who laud her for being their shining star. She makes friends everywhere she goes. She just has one of those big smile magnetic energy things. She's looking for a boyfriend, and she has this habit of sleeping with dudes quicker than she wants to. Additionally, a lot of dues hit it and ghost her, which doesn't help. I decided the best way I could return the good vibes she provides is to basically be a safe space. Even with her ability to meet people, she's still a little lonely being new in town, and it is especially hard to get physical comfort from a dude that doesn't try to bang her. I promised her early on I wouldn't do that. Hanging out with me is also a mini-vacation for her because she lives in a tiny studio-- so she can come to my place where everything is fancy, get a dinner and some booze out of it, and we watch movies.

In becoming safe for her, she's become very physically affectionate-- not SEXUAL, just very snuggly/cuddly/huggy etc. It clearly is a form of affection that she needs and responds to and doesn't get a lot of because it usually attached to sex-- which she is trying to be more careful about. I'm adding her to this list because even though we do not have a sexual relationship, we do have an intimate one. She stays over and there's of contact and touching, but no kissing or sex. It sounds ridiculous to have a "cuddle partner" as an adult man who is actively dating women, but it's very low pressure and very nice. I feel like it should be on this list, because we plan dates, and even though there's no sex, if either of us had a monogamous partner, they would nix this in a heartbeat.

Lastly, there's "Red." This is a recent development-- as in yesterday. She is somebody who I have known for 16-17 years in a semi-professional capacity. We have worked adjacent to each other on and off for years, but never directly together. We have tried to do a few projects together, but none materialized. We would grab lunch maybe once every couple years, and occasionally trade niceties on FB. We met yesterday for a work-related lunch as she has a project she thinks I would be a good fit for. We met around 1:00, had lunch, she pitched her thing, I was interested, we agreed her people would hit up my people... and then we proceeded to sit there and continue and talk until 5:00. At first I thought it was just because we're all fresh out of lockdown and human interaction is novel and fun. But I noticed around hour 2 that the energy had shifted from "business" to "casual" if not directly to "first date" energy. Generally speaking, I am very pro on clarity. Every time I gave Zerimar advice I tried to hammer home that it's pure bullshit for a dude to play nice and friendly with a girl and to not say if he had attraction or feelings toward her. That said, this was an odd set up given our history and the reason we were meeting, and we could be working together soon... but it was a palpable shift in things and when we finally decided to part I asked her to dinner next week and we've been texting on and off all day. So I guess I'll feel it out a little more when we have dinner.

This sounds like a LOT to juggle, but it really isn't. I have a date once, maybe twice a week, still see my regular friends, and have plenty of time for my own shit. Granted, i don't have a normal day job, so that probably helps.

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