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I figured at some point trying this whole nonmonogamy thing was going to make some sort of mess. I've made it almost a year, but something just exploded in my face (and not int he fun way).

In my last bit I mentioned actually having feelings for a second woman who I met via some work projects. She was willing to give it a shot with me, but she had a LOT of rules. She really wanted the blinders on, and I thought that was just a stop gap for her to get used to things, so I went with it.

As I said she lives in another country, so we had a lot of phone and zoom time. She was traveling through LA to see family for Xmas. On her way there, we had a night while she was on layover and it was awesome. On her way back, the week between Xmas and New Years, we decided she would come and stay with me and we'd just see how we were.

I went into this with KP's full blessing. She's totally fine with me liking this woman. The other woman though still wanted the blinders on, and asked while I was around her to not be in contact with Kelly. It was just for a few days., so I agreed.

Day one of five was great. Day two of five was also great, though I was starting to worry her feelings were a lot bigger than mine. I had thought we could have a long distant thing and have time together on occasion or when work connected us. It was becoming clear to me she was hoping she was going to win me over and have me just be with her.

Day three of five was fun, but in the evening KP text me about something innocuous. I think she thought the other lady was gone already, and out of reflex I texted back. Realizing I was on the couch with other lady, I suddenly felt like I was being rude so I angled my phone, then left the room to sign off with KP.

Well... I was called on that and she proceeded to have an insanely disproportionate reaction. I full admit I broke a rule we established, but she equated this to me being full of shit about the honesty I say has to come with being ENM. She went off on me, on Kelly, on my lifestyle, and how much she hated herself every time she knew I was with somebody else. Basically, her game-ness was not as honest as she said.

I made a mistake, but she went absolutely nuclear. I've never had somebody rage at me like that/ Not even in the thick of breaking up with my son's mom was there that much anger and vitriol... over A TEXT. I maybe could have calmed her down or negotiated, but I am not interested in that. I drove her across the city, being berated, and left her at a friend's house for the rest of her stay.

I most definitely have PTSD from being attacked like that. I thought if things went south I'd be okay,. because I was still happily in love with KP... but it turns out feelings don't work that way. I am still broken hearted and anxiety-ridden, even though I still have a perfectly good and happy relationship with KP.

Lesson learned, don't date a civilian again. OR somebody you work with, because of course we still have a few active projects and will need to be in communication still.

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Didn’t get abducted or eaten or murdered. Totally worth it. This place has a 360 view of the LA basin.

I am two of these women.

My day at work was really light, so I decided for some reason to hit the high points of my relationship past: I went on my first date as a junior in high school, and it didn't exactly go well. It

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Not dipping your pen in the company ink has been a rule since mankind invented companies. 

But I'm sorry that happened to you. Obviously this wasn't really about that one text. She wasn't as cool with the entire situation as she probably thought. I don't think it's fair to ask someone to ignore someone they're in a relationship with. I do know that trust and transparency are key to any meaningful relationship, and I imagine that goes double for people with multiple partners. 

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Yeah that sucks that happened to you, but at the same time, I think more often than not, relationships between coworkers don't work.  I made that mistake once, and it did not end well.  Like saying it ended badly is an understatement. 

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Bullet dodged, bro. I think she thought she could lure you away and make you monogamous again. I mean, maybe someone will some day, but not overnight. Also what you have with KP is pretty strong and not worth throwing away for someone you don't know that well.

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Sorry this happened to you, Tank.

From the outside looking in, perhaps she wanted to “win” you more than accept your lifestyle… and in fairness to her that could be something she might not have fully understood herself until the blow up. Obvious conjecture here though.

I hope you both can work through it so as not to damage your projects.

Edit: Just noticed Destiny had a similar thought.

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Glad to hear you guys all agree with me that she was never as in as she claimed to be. Maybe she thought she could hang, but even still, I don’t keep people in my life who rage at this level. Being angry is natural, but if your go to with anger is to be intentionally cruel and hurtful, I am no longer interested.

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I agree wholeheartedly. I can understand her being angry and even hurt, but any type of successful relationship, be it romantic or not, has to have a big heaping of mercy or it’s just stupid to try. Someone who isn’t willing to offer mercy for a simple mistake early on is someone you don’t want. 

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Anger is a natural emotion, even though society tells us not to have it because it often makes others uncomfortable. That said, there's a difference between righteous anger and rage and cruelty. Your mistake did not equate with her level of rage.

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Yeah, some people are built for monogamy, others non-monogamy.  I guess it doesn't matter what this lady friend was built for at this point, but do you know if she tried poly stuff before, or was this the first time, Tank?  Just curious for discussion's sake. 

If it was the first time, it sounds like jealously got the better of her.  Some people go off the deep end when jealous.  If she has tried it before, or said she did, it seems she really isn't built to be non-monogamous, and is just fooling herself. 

Maybe sticking to people who are confirmed non-monogamists is the best policy as you say?

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15 hours ago, Destiny Skywalker said:

Anger is a natural emotion, even though society tells us not to have it because it often makes others uncomfortable. That said, there's a difference between righteous anger and rage and cruelty. Your mistake did not equate with her level of rage.

Anger's also often a secondary emotion. She's going to have to deal with whatever feeling of inadequacy or shame led to the anger. 

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