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I figured at some point trying this whole nonmonogamy thing was going to make some sort of mess. I've made it almost a year, but something just exploded in my face (and not int he fun way).

In my last bit I mentioned actually having feelings for a second woman who I met via some work projects. She was willing to give it a shot with me, but she had a LOT of rules. She really wanted the blinders on, and I thought that was just a stop gap for her to get used to things, so I went with it.

As I said she lives in another country, so we had a lot of phone and zoom time. She was traveling through LA to see family for Xmas. On her way there, we had a night while she was on layover and it was awesome. On her way back, the week between Xmas and New Years, we decided she would come and stay with me and we'd just see how we were.

I went into this with KP's full blessing. She's totally fine with me liking this woman. The other woman though still wanted the blinders on, and asked while I was around her to not be in contact with Kelly. It was just for a few days., so I agreed.

Day one of five was great. Day two of five was also great, though I was starting to worry her feelings were a lot bigger than mine. I had thought we could have a long distant thing and have time together on occasion or when work connected us. It was becoming clear to me she was hoping she was going to win me over and have me just be with her.

Day three of five was fun, but in the evening KP text me about something innocuous. I think she thought the other lady was gone already, and out of reflex I texted back. Realizing I was on the couch with other lady, I suddenly felt like I was being rude so I angled my phone, then left the room to sign off with KP.

Well... I was called on that and she proceeded to have an insanely disproportionate reaction. I full admit I broke a rule we established, but she equated this to me being full of shit about the honesty I say has to come with being ENM. She went off on me, on Kelly, on my lifestyle, and how much she hated herself every time she knew I was with somebody else. Basically, her game-ness was not as honest as she said.

I made a mistake, but she went absolutely nuclear. I've never had somebody rage at me like that/ Not even in the thick of breaking up with my son's mom was there that much anger and vitriol... over A TEXT. I maybe could have calmed her down or negotiated, but I am not interested in that. I drove her across the city, being berated, and left her at a friend's house for the rest of her stay.

I most definitely have PTSD from being attacked like that. I thought if things went south I'd be okay,. because I was still happily in love with KP... but it turns out feelings don't work that way. I am still broken hearted and anxiety-ridden, even though I still have a perfectly good and happy relationship with KP.

Lesson learned, don't date a civilian again. OR somebody you work with, because of course we still have a few active projects and will need to be in communication still.

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Didn’t get abducted or eaten or murdered. Totally worth it. This place has a 360 view of the LA basin.

I have never gone to a High School Reunion, in part because there is no possibility of meeting the cast of Romy & Michelle, but really because ugh. I have bumped into people from High School howev

Oh shit! That was a Jacen level comment.

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Not dipping your pen in the company ink has been a rule since mankind invented companies. 

But I'm sorry that happened to you. Obviously this wasn't really about that one text. She wasn't as cool with the entire situation as she probably thought. I don't think it's fair to ask someone to ignore someone they're in a relationship with. I do know that trust and transparency are key to any meaningful relationship, and I imagine that goes double for people with multiple partners. 

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Yeah that sucks that happened to you, but at the same time, I think more often than not, relationships between coworkers don't work.  I made that mistake once, and it did not end well.  Like saying it ended badly is an understatement. 

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Bullet dodged, bro. I think she thought she could lure you away and make you monogamous again. I mean, maybe someone will some day, but not overnight. Also what you have with KP is pretty strong and not worth throwing away for someone you don't know that well.

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Sorry this happened to you, Tank.

From the outside looking in, perhaps she wanted to “win” you more than accept your lifestyle… and in fairness to her that could be something she might not have fully understood herself until the blow up. Obvious conjecture here though.

I hope you both can work through it so as not to damage your projects.

Edit: Just noticed Destiny had a similar thought.

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Glad to hear you guys all agree with me that she was never as in as she claimed to be. Maybe she thought she could hang, but even still, I don’t keep people in my life who rage at this level. Being angry is natural, but if your go to with anger is to be intentionally cruel and hurtful, I am no longer interested.

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I agree wholeheartedly. I can understand her being angry and even hurt, but any type of successful relationship, be it romantic or not, has to have a big heaping of mercy or it’s just stupid to try. Someone who isn’t willing to offer mercy for a simple mistake early on is someone you don’t want. 

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Anger is a natural emotion, even though society tells us not to have it because it often makes others uncomfortable. That said, there's a difference between righteous anger and rage and cruelty. Your mistake did not equate with her level of rage.

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Yeah, some people are built for monogamy, others non-monogamy.  I guess it doesn't matter what this lady friend was built for at this point, but do you know if she tried poly stuff before, or was this the first time, Tank?  Just curious for discussion's sake. 

If it was the first time, it sounds like jealously got the better of her.  Some people go off the deep end when jealous.  If she has tried it before, or said she did, it seems she really isn't built to be non-monogamous, and is just fooling herself. 

Maybe sticking to people who are confirmed non-monogamists is the best policy as you say?

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15 hours ago, Destiny Skywalker said:

Anger is a natural emotion, even though society tells us not to have it because it often makes others uncomfortable. That said, there's a difference between righteous anger and rage and cruelty. Your mistake did not equate with her level of rage.

Anger's also often a secondary emotion. She's going to have to deal with whatever feeling of inadequacy or shame led to the anger. 

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  • 1 month later...

Welp here’s the comedy. Girl I spoke of above… we just sold a TV show together. This means a lot of co-working. Like, A LOT.

And she’s already asked me not to bring KP if we have a big premiere or screening.

What’s annoying is she reallY is my creative soulmate. We work really well together. But we can’t stray from work at all.

And now KP is a little jealous as she’s still not at the same level me and this other woman are at career wise. She’d never tell me not to take an opportunity, but I know it bugs her.

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This woman is a control freak and she is not over it. This vitriol towards KP is out of line. If you can't stray from work at all she gets no say in your personal life, and that means she can't ask you to exclude your primary for a potential big life event.

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Based on your description Tank, you should watch yourself around that woman.  She is mental. You should make nice and be friends for work sake, but that is it. I wouldn't have anything more to do with her outside work.   Something is way off with this woman, and based on your description, I am getting a bad feeling.   I wouldn't put it past her to  will "me too" you out of spite. 

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18 hours ago, Destiny Skywalker said:

This woman is a control freak and she is not over it. This vitriol towards KP is out of line. If you can't stray from work at all she gets no say in your personal life, and that means she can't ask you to exclude your primary for a potential big life event.

This. KP hasn't done a single thing to her. Nothing. If anything, she should direct all of that hate onto you since you're the one who "violated" her "rule". What did KP do exactly?

Weren't you seeing KP first anyway??

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KP just represents the problem. She’s decided KP texted on purpose to cause trouble. I mean I answered the text and tried to hide it, because I knew the reaction would be bad. So it does come back to her being a control freak, and I was going along with it because I thought these were temporary steps while she got used to things.

I get where the request is coming from, she’s found a way to deal with me because we have to for work. We’ve actually been very efficient, and getting along well in that capacity. I think her meeting KP at a moment where things should be getting celebrated would throw her off and remind of bad stuff. I get it… conceptually.

That said, that’s a long long way from happening and also against the odds given the nature of the business. And it’s only been a month and a half frOm our blowout. One would think in a year things might not be as ridiculous. Then again, if all our stuff died down and I never had to interact with her again I’d be okay with that. But I also can’t deny how well we work together.

And while I get the metoo fear, I don’t see that happening. She’s definitely got some version of a borderline personality disorder, and her leaps and jumps in logic are a bit absurd, but that would be a pretty big stretch.

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So I screwed up in a absurd and awful way.

Director lady and I were putting the finishing touches on the bible for our TV project, about to send it off. And what do I do? Accidentally text her something meant for somebody else. Specifically, KP asking me about a date I had last week, and we describing it. It wasn't explicit, but it was very telling. I know it put director lady right back to where we were the night we broke up.

It was literally the worst possible thing I could have sent, just when we were doing well. It was an honest mistake, and surprisingly she didn't blow up on me (yet), but just asked I not speak to her for several days. I am respecting that, and I feel awful... but at the same time, part of me hopes she calls everything off, even the work. There's just too much anxiety for me sorrounding interacting with her I think.

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This text thing is a fear I have, irrational for me as I have only been with my wife, but the entire wrong person text thing is definitely like in the doom and fear area of my brain. Admittedly a fear of both sending and being on the receiving end. Just something like, “Loved yesterday, can’t wait until next week.” Although, text speak for that is probably emoji, not that I’d know as I am that person that types full sentences and even paragraphs in texts. Anyway, there’s only one explanation for a text bomb like the one I fear, or at least very little wiggle room for that one. That’d just be so blatant, so obvious, an out of the blue truth being smashed right into the light. I feel a little queasy just thinking about it. Might be the yogurt I had for breakfast though, tasted weird, was lite or some horrible diet thing.

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