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I have been thinking about posting this for sometime, but it is too personal, but I don't know what else to do. 

My mom had me at 18 and raised me.  She was a great mom.  She worked hard and always put me first. 

About 12 years ago, a family member came to me and said that the man my mom was about to marry (the RV guy--so let's call him RV), touched them and made lewd comments/ jokes.  I always got weird vibes from RV.  I brought my concerns to my mom and at the time, she agonized on whether to stay with him, but decided to marry him.  Let me describe him.  First, he is VERY NICE.  Like, he helped my build my deck.  He is VERY considerate.  And, this was my justification to myself for putting up with his other side, he treats my mom like she walks on water...which she deserves.  He makes her happy.  I lived in FL and now CO so I saw him every now and again.

I said he is nice, but he is also strange.  This strange thing really bothered me.  For example, I was visiting them at the RV park and he went up to these kids, maybe 6 and 8, and start asking them where they were from, where their RV was, etc.  When quarantine first happened, he went into a store with a mask and gloves and pretended his hand was a gun and started pointing it at people.  He also seemed to be cruel to others, especially my grandma when my mom left the room.  He would be dismissive and roll his eyes.  Before he met my mom, he wouldn't let the family dog in with the family.  Family had to go to the dog when they wanted to play with her (my mom quickly ended this).  Recently, my wife said for years he groped her and she didn't want to say anything because she knew I couldn't stand him and I would lose my shit if she did.  She was worried this might cause a rift in the relationship between me and her and our boys.  RV has some autistic tendencies.  He is terribly inflexible, lack of clarity frustrates him, rarely picks up and readily misreads both verbal and non-verbal social cues, and he has a clear object of fixation...my mom.  He worships her.  I believe he helped me with the deck because it impressed my mom and made her happy.  Because he is so sweet to her, it blinds her to the situation. 

Last July we left the boys for a few nights at their RV at a remote state park in the Rockies.  Ever since that visit, my oldest son (then 3 now 4) would scream he didn't want to go when we said we were going to visit their campground.  He refused to hug RV when we left.  Honestly, I didn't think anything of it because I didn't want to visit the campground and I wouldn't want to hug RV either. 

A few weeks after they left I mentioned to my wife how much Bennett hated to go to the campground and was scared of RV.  My wife said that my son told her he was scared of RV and he didn't like being around RV naked after the two boys stayed with them alone.  She swore she told me earlier and I didn't say anything.  This is probably true because I get lost in my head a lot.  Anyhow, we finally asked my son what happened and he described RV sexually touching him to the point he was scared.  When we asked where my mom was. he said it only happened when she went in the RV.  I want to be clear, I am confident my mom knew nothing about this.  I explained the awkward part for a reason.  There might be a chance that he just doesn't realize what he was doing...maybe he was just playing around and didn't realize he was scaring my son.  This is what my wife believes when he gropes her.  My friend says that we could just be protecting ourselves from the idea our son was molested. 

I told my mom and she broke down.  But when I explained to her about our son not wanting to visit the campgrounds, she said I was being mean to her.  She asked to stay with us.  I said no.  I don't think her staying here would make anything better.  I also told her about RV touching my wife and my other concerns.  My mom nor RV has called or texted me.  She did send the boys a Halloween box, but based on the ZIP code from where it was sent, she is still living with RV.  This is her choice.

I am supposed to drive to Kansas City of Thanksgiving for my grandma's 85th birthday party.  She is not doing well and this may be my last chance to see her.  I told my mom that RV is NEVER allowed near the boys again.  I am afraid if I go I will lose it.  If I see RV, I might kill him (I won't). I am mad at my family for never speaking up when RV acted so inappropriately.  I have told some family members, and not once did they say he isn't welcome...  They don't want to "rock the boat" or be the bad guy.  I was just told the importance not letting my grandma find out because she would be devastated and couldn't handle the stress.  Which she can't....but I am infuriated that seems to be more of an concern than my son being fucking molested.   

There is not a second of the day this isn't on my mind.  I have random fits of internal rage.  I fantasize about killing him.  I have never known hatred on this level before. 

I need to see a psychiatrist to get something for the anxiety/rage this is causing me.  I am not an angry person.  I haven't lashed out at anyone...this is all internal.  I have an almost supernatural ability to keep my emotions hidden deep inside of me.  But I have started drinking more.  My stress is building.  Therapy doesn't work with me.  I am mad at my mom for not listening to my concerns.  I am mad at my family for not wanting to cause a stir.  I am turning into a wreck.  Maybe I will talk to see someone....but I just feel so lost.  I don't know what I hope to gain from posting this, but it might be nice to get it out of my system.  Who fucking knows. 

 

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Honestly? I think you need to call the police. I know this is MAJORLY rocking the boat, but this man is a serial molester. He may be autistic, but autistics still know the difference between right and wrong. This isn't a subtle thing. You don't "accidentally" sexually molest multiple people over a period of several years, especially not people of varying ages. And if he's doing this to y'all, then he's doing it to someone else somewhere else. And they might call the cops and your mom will be in the same predicament. It's inevitable, but you have the chance now to take steps to protect any future victims. Now I know you love your mom and your grandma. And the rest of your family that will be embroiled in this. But your only actual duty is to protect your kids and wife. 

I would also suggest looking into family therapy for you, your wife, and kids. Your wife and son likely should seek their own therapy, but if you're resistant to it, you can at least participate as a family. But you gotta talk to someone, even if it is just us on here. It's ok to be mad. 

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I am so so sorry. This is every parents' worst nightmare. You have every right to be furious. I would absolutely seek out a psychologist. You are probably not going to move past this or at least not be consumed by rage without professional help. Family therapy will likely be necessary, too.

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23 minutes ago, Cerina said:

Honestly? I think you need to call the police. I know this is MAJORLY rocking the boat, but this man is a serial molester. He may be autistic, but autistics still know the difference between right and wrong. This isn't a subtle thing. You don't "accidentally" sexually molest multiple people over a period of several years, especially not people of varying ages. And if he's doing this to y'all, then he's doing it to someone else somewhere else. And they might call the cops and your mom will be in the same predicament. It's inevitable, but you have the chance now to take steps to protect any future victims. Now I know you love your mom and your grandma. And the rest of your family that will be embroiled in this. But your only actual duty is to protect your kids and wife. 

I would also suggest looking into family therapy for you, your wife, and kids. Your wife and son likely should seek their own therapy, but if you're resistant to it, you can at least participate as a family. But you gotta talk to someone, even if it is just us on here. It's ok to be mad. 

You aren't wrong. 

I know a few sex crimes detectives (through work...how depressing is that) and I talked to a few of them about it and they said next to nothing will happen.  It is unlikely for him to be even charged, let alone convicted.  It was nearly four months ago.  There are no witnesses or physical evidence.  Basically, a lot would come down to my son's perception of an event, which he doesn't understand to begin with.  RV never took his dick out.  I don't care about rocking the boat and honestly, the way things have gone down, I am through with my mom...which is a separate issue altogether.  But do I really want to drag my son through multiple interviews...in a non-therapeutic environment multiple times?  Maybe I will....

We are going to therapy.  For the record, I am not anti-therapy.  I just don't get really anything from it.  But you know what, fuck it.  I will.

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If you’re not getting anything out of therapy, find a new therapist. At least for yourself. There are a lot of concerns here, but I’m going to limit my response to two:

1) Your concern is for your wife and children, not for your mom, your grandmother, or anyone else. There were allegations of abuse in my wife’s family, but they came in a manner that is hard to believe, involving a bipolar mother in a manic state waking her daughter in the middle of the night and interrogating her until she said something. But based on that, I have told my wife that if I ever have reason to believe those allegations are real, or the slightest hint that the man in question ever touched our children inappropriately, we will never see him again. And if her mom stays with the guy in that situation, she will never see our children again. 
 

2) Speaking from personal experience, keeping your emotions hidden isn’t good. I mean, there are certainly times when you have to do it: when you’re angry because of your kid’s actions, at work, etc, but those emotions have to be dealt with in a healthy way still. Just burying them will just cause problems down the line. Whether it’s therapy, talking to your wife, or whatever, find a way to get it out. You have every right to be angry and to hate the son of a bitch. Don’t bury that and put it on yourself. He deserves it, not you.

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Go to the police. Lodge a complaint/press charges against him, even if there isn't enough evidence to convict him of anything. At least his name will become known to the police and you never know who else may have tried to press charges against him.

Don't do anything stupid. Not that I think you would, and certainly DON'T DO ANYTHING THAT COULD BE TRACED BACK TO YOU. Your wife and your kids need you more than you need vigilantee justice.

Ensuring that your kids and wife will never be in a position of danger i.e proximity with this guy again is really the only thing you have to do. And yeah, counseling would be good.

If you could keep your cool, you could confront the guy and tell him what you think of him in no uncertain terms. That might make you feel less powerless in the situation but ultimately it serves no purpose than to make yourself feel less impotent in the situation. So probably not the best idea.

 

All I can say is I'm really sorry for you man, I can't imagine the rage and hurt you are feeling right now. I'd want to kill the fucker too. But that's a really really really bad idea. 

In regards to your families feelings and not rocking the boat I say fuck it. This boat needs to be rocked and RV needs to be held accountable even if it is only in his reputation/position within the family. 

I hope you and yours can get through this time. 

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I hate to add anything, because it feels super weird, but since you posted asking for help and advice:

If there’s a chance of this causing a rupture in the family, and you care about that rupture, go to the police even if they’ve told you it will go nowhere. Because too frequently people will say “If he really believed it, he would have gone to the police. He just doesn’t like RV and is trying to cause problems.”

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This is harder still when it happens at home never mind when you suspect abuse of a student and have to report it. I know this is hard. Try and take it out of your own home perspective and put it as "this is happening to a student". Would you report it? I have only ever been in on one child abuse case as a teacher. It breaks my heart. GIANT HUGS.

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2 hours ago, Fozzie said:

If you’re not getting anything out of therapy, find a new therapist. At least for yourself. There are a lot of concerns here, but I’m going to limit my response to two:

1) Your concern is for your wife and children, not for your mom, your grandmother, or anyone else. There were allegations of abuse in my wife’s family, but they came in a manner that is hard to believe, involving a bipolar mother in a manic state waking her daughter in the middle of the night and interrogating her until she said something. But based on that, I have told my wife that if I ever have reason to believe those allegations are real, or the slightest hint that the man in question ever touched our children inappropriately, we will never see him again. And if her mom stays with the guy in that situation, she will never see our children again. 
 

2) Speaking from personal experience, keeping your emotions hidden isn’t good. I mean, there are certainly times when you have to do it: when you’re angry because of your kid’s actions, at work, etc, but those emotions have to be dealt with in a healthy way still. Just burying them will just cause problems down the line. Whether it’s therapy, talking to your wife, or whatever, find a way to get it out. You have every right to be angry and to hate the son of a bitch. Don’t bury that and put it on yourself. He deserves it, not you.

1.  He is not allowed to be around my family ever again in any way.  This is absolutely non-negotiable.  The concern is whether I tell my grandmother about it.  Which she really wouldn't need to know and this might actually kill her. 

2.  I did a bad job of explaining this.  I don't hide or repress my feelings.  I do tackle them.  I think the best way to describe it is to say I can go about my day-to-day life without breaking down. 

What triggered me so so hard is that my mom sent a Halloween package and it had a bunch of pumpkin lanterns and such from her trip to silver dollar city (a theme park near Branson, MO.  My mom hasn't reached out at all and we get this box like she normally sends when she is on the road...as if nothing happened.  This weekend was so hard because of that stupid package.  I know my mom didn't mean for it to have that impact, but it did.  Anyways, I am currently on the phone with Kaiser and reached out to my EAP.  But it does bother me my mom hasn't reached out. 

Don't worry about feeling awkward...I asked for advice.  I need other thoughts. 

 

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Cerina said all the right things.

One of my uncles turned out to be molesting one of his daughters, and one of his grand daughters (who are the sane age because this is the hillbilly part of my family tree.

I bring it up because similarly, it seemed like everyone knew he had quirks and had seen, heard, or experienced something with him that was off. Had everyone talked and compared notes it would have been a lot more obvious years before it was exposed. This sounds similar to RV, where the evidence was there, but disparate.

My uncle was also part of a child porn ring and basically went down in one of those big multi-state coordinated busts. As soon as I heard he was arrested by the FBI it all just clicked for all of us. Stupidly we all just said "Yup, that makes sense." But he got away with it it for years because no one spoke up.

So yeah, fuck it and rock the boat before he finds a new target. Your mom will eventually have to deal one way or another. Her comfort is not worth your kid, or anyone's kid's, safety. You don't need to go rush and tell grandma, but at the same time don't let the issue with her stop you from doing anything you need to.

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29 minutes ago, Tank said:

Cerina said all the right things.

One of my uncles turned out to be molesting one of his daughters, and one of his grand daughters (who are the sane age because this is the hillbilly part of my family tree.

I bring it up because similarly, it seemed like everyone knew he had quirks and had seen, heard, or experienced something with him that was off. Had everyone talked and compared notes it would have been a lot more obvious years before it was exposed. This sounds similar to RV, where the evidence was there, but disparate.

My uncle was also part of a child porn ring and basically went down in one of those big multi-state coordinated busts. As soon as I heard he was arrested by the FBI it all just clicked for all of us. Stupidly we all just said "Yup, that makes sense." But he got away with it it for years because no one spoke up.

So yeah, fuck it and rock the boat before he finds a new target. Your mom will eventually have to deal one way or another. Her comfort is not worth your kid, or anyone's kid's, safety. You don't need to go rush and tell grandma, but at the same time don't let the issue with her stop you from doing anything you need to.

I have decided I am going to the police.  Legally, as a mandatory reporter, I have to. 

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I am sorry. I can understand your desire to protect your son from questioning but I agree with the others that not reporting will just give family an excuse to dismiss it. I hope somehow something goes on his record as arrested even if there is no conviction.

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So I really, really want to thank everyone for this.  This is exactly what I needed and I appreciate EVERYONE.  

It really helped me self-reflect.  Everyday my job is to advocate for those who can't advocate for themselves and yet it was my own son whom I didn't fully advocate for when he needed me to the  most.  If it wasn't for this thread I wouldn't have realized this and I am ashamed and embarrassed.  What I am even more ashamed about, and I didn't realize this until this thread, but knowing that this is unlikely to ever be prosecuted, I was afraid that this would give my mom and a family to say, "see, Philp made all of this up" or whatever.  I was worried how this would impact MY relationship with my family and at the cost of not advocating for my son.    

I want to end by saying thank you to all of you and each one of you.  You all made a difference in my life in how I am handling this and thus my son's life  as well.  

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You shouldn't feel ashamed. None of us can know how we're going to react to a situation like this until it happens. And I think instinctively, we try to take the path of least resistance. It doesn't matter that your change of mind occurred after asking for help, it matters that it happened at all. Good for you, man.

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35 minutes ago, Darth Krawlie said:

You shouldn't feel ashamed. None of us can know how we're going to react to a situation like this until it happens. And I think instinctively, we try to take the path of least resistance. It doesn't matter that your change of mind occurred after asking for help, it matters that it happened at all. Good for you, man.

This!  Yeah man, you were too emotionally close to the issue.  It's sort of like why doctors don't operate on immediate family members...to much going on emotionally to remain objective.  Nothing wrong at all in asking others for advice, regardless of your profession.

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I’ll third what they’ve said. Don’t be ashamed for asking for advice before doing the right thing, be glad that you did the right thing. Family entanglements are tough and even more when dealing with a parent.

You’ve done nothing wrong. RV did something wrong, and it absolutely false that he didn’t know what he was doing, because he knows enough to hide it. If he was groping your wife openly in front of everyone, or tried to touch your son in a crowded place, you could argue he doesn’t know better. He does, but like any predator he knows how to hide it.

I want to applaud you for not literally killing him. I don’t know that I would be that strong.

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Don't feel ashamed. You are a rational person and because of your job, you have likely trained yourself to process and be as objective as possible. You aren't impulsive, which is why you tried to think through all of it before reacting. You haven't lost anything by waiting this short time to process and plan your steps. Since this is going to be a legal issue, immediate, impulsive reaction is likely not the right path.

You have also done things, you haven't done nothing. You confronted your mom and gave her options. She is going to have to live with her choices, and her choice may change. She is shocked, just like you. She needs to process, just like you. I've met many people throughout the years who have slowly let an uncomfortable situation sneak up on them over time until something blew up. I’ve only known one person who has left, the rest have all stayed in the terrible situation, namely out of loneliness, which is pretty powerful, especially in elderly people. My own mother-in-law is married to a porn/sex addict and we will not let him be alone with the kids. We have encouraged her several times to leave him because he and his addiction make her miserable. She stays because she was lonely before she met him. I would unfortunately not be surprised if this is the situation with your own mom. This is her lifestyle now, and she is terrified of leaving that familiarity. I hope for your sake and hers that she is strong enough to leave him. But denial is pretty powerful when it doesn't associate with the reality you've created.

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  • 3 weeks later...

What a horrible situation! If it were my kid, I'd want to give the guy the worst beating he's ever had. Guarantee he'd learn right from wrong in a hurry after that. Unfortunately, it isn't legal to kick child molesters till they're unconscious, but maybe you can at least file a complaint and get the asshole's name on file. Like you said, it probably won't go any further because there is no evidence. (I guess a traumatized child isn't evidence enough.) Whatever your decision, I hope you and your family can recover and move on from this, even if it means cutting people out of your life for the sake of a little peace of mind.

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I was sexually abused off and on for years by a neighbor. The neighbor was a teenager when it started and was an adult when it ended. I was around the ages of 7 when it started and around 12 when it ended. I finally put a stop to it because as I got older I realized what was happening was wrong. I never told my parents until I was about 29. I’ll never forget how devastated my mom was. It confirmed her fears. Apparently she never felt good about this neighbor. And then one day out of nowhere, I wanted nothing to do with this neighbor and his family and that’s apparently when my mom starting having suspicions. But never said anything. Never brought anything up with me. Which I don’t at all fault her for. She’s an amazing mother. But she took it hard and she felt a lot of guilt for a while. 
 

Im not too sure where I’m going with this. I just know that reading this thread it hit me with a lot of feelings. Ender, what you’re doing is right. It is your job to protect your children. And you are doing just that.
 

Being a parent, and being sexually abused like I was as a child off and on for years, I look at a lot of men as suspicious when they’re around my kid. There’s one of my son’s friends, whose dad I do not like. He’s weird. Gives me a creeper vibe. He will never stay the night over there and will never be at that house without me there. 

But yeah. Sorry for the ramble. If something is suspicious, speak up. Do something. Never doubt your feelings when it comes to situations like this. Because chances are, your feelings are accurate. 
 

 

EDIT: let me add, that if anything ever did happen to my kid and I found out about it, I would more than likely kill that person. Cold fucking facts.

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I don't think I'll ever understand the not-wanting-to-rock-the-boat thing. ALWAYS honor the feelings another person evokes, especially those of the creepy variety. I have yet to hear of someone who was wrong about these vibes.

Protect your family, including yourself.

I'm so glad you're in therapy! It's absolutely necessary for this type of thing.

I don't have any advice about what to do with/around/regarding your Mom or extended family because I'd be willing to behead this motherfucker at Thanksgiving dinner. IF he's on the spectrum, that doesn't give him and excuse-people with autism know right from wrong and would know if they're molesting someone, it's not acceptable.

I think anger and rage are the norm for what you're dealing with. I am so sorry this is on your plate. I'd help if you want to give me his info. FUCK

 

 

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We had the forensic interview earlier this week.  He did not discuss what he told us.  Rather, he described a whole different event that happened while he was there.  I talked with the detective whom observed the interview and she thinks they were separate incidents that happened because both had such concrete details. 

The next step is for them to interview RV.  They said sometimes it takes multiple trips the the forensic interview place for him to disclose everything and they have a weeks long waiting list to get in.  This might drag on for months. 

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