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Blood work came back! I'm not diabetic, but I have high cholesterol and very low vitamin D. I also have hypothyroidism which very well could be the cause of the depression, anxiety, fatigue, muscle and joint pain, brain fog, excessive weight gain, and pretty much every other thing I've been experiencing. 

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Well, so far, the new dosages and new med is working.  I don't have those dark episodes of depression, like I had a couple weeks ago.  I am starting to feel back to normal, or what should be normal. 

Yeah, the team has been great so far, even when I flat out say I have no idea what’s going on or what I’m supposed to do. They mostly just laugh. They’ve been very supportive, which is great, it’s def

Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary, so I suspect I'll get some. 

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are we at the stage where it's all ptsd for all of us all the time? I'm not going to handle one more horrible situation well. I'm pretty sure I have rage issues right now to go with a kinda funk and depression.

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9 hours ago, Ms. Spam said:

are we at the stage where it's all ptsd for all of us all the time? I'm not going to handle one more horrible situation well. I'm pretty sure I have rage issues right now to go with a kinda funk and depression.

If you don't have rage, existential funk, and depression right now, it's clearly because you have no damn clue what's going on. (Gestures around at pretty much everything.)

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Spam, I’m not a doctor, and I don’t even play one on TV, but yes. The last twenty plus years have been “emotional damage” (as the kids say, mine at least) on the scale of living through a Great War and some. The horrors of a Great War, of course, don’t equate. Let’s make that clear. No denial or false equivalency here in regards to a Holocaust and now. However we have all lived through emotionally upheaving, physically scarring for many, and terrifying world wide events for decades… and now we’re seated on the precipice of a literal new Great War. It’s no longer hyperbole to say we’re mere minutes from midnight.

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However if you’re struggling, Spam, find a qualified person to talk to first and foremost. Then when appropriate find something that is a treat for you.

In my case, I’m here, having a drink and watching some TV with my daughter. She is into Grey’s Anatomy, I’m just here to enjoy the time with her. We have fun drinks too. Orange juice, cranberry juice, on ice with umbrellas (admittedly mine has some rum in it).

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  • 2 weeks later...

I’m in pretty bad shape. Hide in the closet and sob kind of bad shape. At least that’s what I did in the time between taking my kids to school and starting work.

I was starting to improve, and then I stupidly attended a retreat this weekend for a group that I’ve been dragged into by my wife, but where I REALLY don’t belong. I’m not a manly man, and I’m not someone who believes that prayer has to be loud. In fact, I’d rather drink tea and read philosophy and pray silently.  Instead I was surrounded by a completely different environment, and I’m already painfully aware that the only reason I’m involved is because my wife has value to this group, and she wants to be part of it. And it’s one of those things where the whole family is expected to participate in some way, but I need to figure out a way to cut back my involvement, because otherwise it’s going to kill me, and I don’t mean that figuratively. I’m not suicidal, but I can see it going that way, because overall my experience is getting more and more negative as time goes by, and it didn’t start especially well.

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Fozzie, if you can see it going that way, meaning suicide, you are past the point where venting in a thread could be any help. I implore you to go to a professional immediately, and tell them exactly the words you wrote. You cannot get help by holding back to a professional.

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I agree completely with THT and Jacob.  Definitely talk with a professional about this.  Hopefully, you can then get help figuring out how to get out of this situation.

 

 

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50 minutes ago, Spider-Man said:

Fozzie, if you can see it going that way, meaning suicide, you are past the point where venting in a thread could be any help. I implore you to go to a professional immediately, and tell them exactly the words you wrote. You cannot get help by holding back to a professional.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today and my psychologist tomorrow, and I’m completely honest with both of them. Thank you for your concern!

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Glad to hear you're talking honestly with them, man.  I know from my experiences how tough it can be to be completely forthcoming with them sometimes.  I really hope your psychologist is able to help you figure something out about this.

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A couple of friends got me out tonight to drink beer and play a board game, and while that didn’t cure everything, it helped. It was a “hey, we can see something is wrong and you’re welcome to talk about it or we can just have fun” thing. 
 

Im also taking a break from the group for at least a few weeks. I meet in a small group as my primary connection and I’m skipping until mid-April if not longer. I need to be able to focus on things that bring me joy. The best thing I did was leave the retreat on Saturday and came home instead of waiting until Sunday and then I went on a hike with Louis (my 8 year-old). 

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It's amazing what actual relaxation and minor medicine changes can do. 

Filled my medicine last night. Spent time with friends. Took myself out for sushi for lunch today.  I'm in a way different place than I was 24 hours ago.

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Even little things help.

I will be critically depressed for I don't know how long as I process having to put my cat Cheetoh to sleep today. I feel a horrendous hole in my heart right now. I took the day off of work because I knew I'd be a hot mess. There's so many little things he did that I will miss immensely. He was the house busybody and checked on everyone in the house with a little sniff and when I came home at the end of the day he'd be at the window waiting and he'd cry for me when I wasn't home as well as wanting to be picked up and held. He was my baby. He cost me so much money over the years by killing a tv, peeing on things, biting or scratching me when I had to give him meds. But I miss him. 

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I was told that it would take about 3 weeks for Cymbalta to even out and for me to start feeling the effects. I'm on day 19 now. The #1 thing I've noticed is a considerable drop in irritability, especially with my husband. My patience with him has increased considerably. 

We just got back from a 6 day cruise to celebrate our 11 year anniversary, and it was a very different vacation experience for me. Normally, I plan (overplan) every moment of a trip. I research the hell out of everything, to the point where I typically already know what restaurants we'll be earing at and what I'm going to order (sometimes even months in advance). And this time was no different. I've had everything planned for months now, but after 2 weeks of antidepressants, I didn't care to follow any of it. We made decisions moment by moment, and it didn't bother me. In fact, I had a great time! 

I've only had a small reduction in brain fog and a small increase in overall energy level though. My thyroid meds will take another 4-5 weeks to (possibly) show effects. (Apparently it's hard to get thyroid levels correct. You have to be on them for 6 weeks before you can test the levels again to see if you need to increase your dosage, so it could be months before I notice changes there.)

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I just want to say that I avoid this thread because I find myself to be a little too empathetic and feel what people I care about are feeling. Managing empathy, envy, self esteem and compersion have been my big things in therapy for the last 6 months and it’s getting much better, but I have been a sponge for people’s anxiety most of my life.

Point being, I avoid this thread, but only because I care about you idiots. I am glad to see most of us slowly working through things.

I just spent the last week in a weird spot— not depressed,  but zero motivation or drive to do anything. It mostly stemmed from injuring my hand pretty badly, it healed quick, but the stitches were driving me insane and not being able to have my right hand for daily use really frustrates me and put me in a weird spot.

I’m picking up the admin-mode Cerina left behind on her vacation and am trying to reset things today.

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As with many things it seems, Ditto what Tank said. I do read so much sometimes I end up feeling guilty or I dunno stalkery, for lack of a better term, for not replying and saying hey I haz been here read this felt that. I have been here, read that, and feel for that however. I love you, guys.

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Thanks guys, and I understand. Honestly, I had to learn to sympathize without empathy or I would’ve died years ago. I’m capable of being empathetic, but it takes effort. Years of dealing with my mom’s mental illness and then choosing a career where people are dealing with trauma has cemented it.

I’m doing a lot better, but I’m not necessarily in a *good* state. But at the same time, nowhere near where I was. But, seriously, if I was in a good state right now, that’s be cause for concern. I’m still frequently a single parent of three, still dealing with a lot, and I don’t have support from my wife because she’s just completely incapable due to feeling so sick all the time. If I was happy-go-lucky, that’d be really bad. Just taking it one day at a time, some days and some hours are better than others, but at least now I can see light at the end of the tunnel because I know I just have to get through a shitty time.

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