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Thank you. I'm also reminding myself on that same line of thinking that I'm not just dealing with one thing. In the past four months:

1) My uncle Dave died suddenly

2) My mom died suddenly

3) There were massive layoffs that I survived, but I have survivor's guilt and still dealing with processing it as it happened on the day of my mom's calling hours

4) My younger cousin died suddenly

5) My pastor who was at my parish from at least when I was in 4th grade until I was in my 20s has been accused of sexual abuse. He was someone I supoer looked up to.

6) Another man who was a friend of my dad's and a mentor to me, died suddenly a week after my mom.

7) Laura's really been sick with this pregnancy, so I'm carrying a lot of the weight in the evenings and she's not really capable of giving emotional support.

8) I suffer from mental illness. I'm doing really well with it, but I have a natural weakness that other's don't. 

9) Because of the layoffs, we're behind on a lot of things and so I've spent the past couple weeks behind at work and getting yelled at by strangers.

10) I've been helping my nephew try to get a new job, because his old job (at a hospital) basically told him that depression isn't real and that telehealth isn't medical treatment and so they allowed him to quit before they fired him. I also helped raise him when he was little, so I really feel the pressure he's under. 

Just taking stock of all of this is really helpful, because it shows me I'm fighing some serious giants right now, and it's okay to have struggles with that. 

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Well, so far, the new dosages and new med is working.  I don't have those dark episodes of depression, like I had a couple weeks ago.  I am starting to feel back to normal, or what should be normal. 

Yeah, the team has been great so far, even when I flat out say I have no idea what’s going on or what I’m supposed to do. They mostly just laugh. They’ve been very supportive, which is great, it’s def

Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary, so I suspect I'll get some. 

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Dude, a lot of people are broken by a lot less than what you've been dealing with. That's quite an intense 4 months to say the least! I don't think Ive been hammered by that many stresses consecutively.

I didn't have grief to batter me, but when my wife was 6 or 7 months pregnant I lost my job cause the studio I was working for went under, and our landlords were preparing to sell the house we were living in. And I was struggling with feeling like a deadbeat dad!  Fearing homelessness with a newborn. It worked out in the end, but I think that's probably the most stressed out/down I've been from external factors. I would add to that typical forms of artistic self loathing and imposter syndrome typical of creative types. 

But yeah, don't feel bad about how you feel. All feels are valid. 

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Dude, Brandon that is SO MUCH SHIT!

like, the average person would be staggered by any one or of those things much less ALL of them. You’re doing pretty well if you’re functioning at all with that list!

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On 2/12/2022 at 4:50 PM, Tank said:

Dude, Brandon that is SO MUCH SHIT!

like, the average person would be staggered by any one or of those things much less ALL of them. You’re doing pretty well if you’re functioning at all with that list!

Thanks Seth. I’ve gone back to this post several times, it’s been really helpful.

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Seriously dude, I would be burning though all my PTO and cry all day. Its ok to not be ok, though. I'm glad you realized the signs that you weren't pulling out of it like you usually do. Have you been able to make an appt with a therapist?

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14 hours ago, Destiny Skywalker said:

Seriously dude, I would be burning though all my PTO and cry all day. Its ok to not be ok, though. I'm glad you realized the signs that you weren't pulling out of it like you usually do. Have you been able to make an appt with a therapist?

Yeah, I have been able to meet with a guy online. He’s been helpful, and he’s given me some good feedback. I’m already doing a lot of the stuff he would suggest, but one thing he said was that I need to watch or listen to some type of comedic thing at least once a week. So I’ve been trying that. My biggest problem with self-care is having time for it. But I’m trying.

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This may help— but I generally watch something short and amusing when I eat my breakfast. Just 15 minutes of an old Arrested Development episode, or a stand up bit on youtube, nothing that requires investment, and sitting for breakfast os one of the only things I know I will do most days.

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Unfortunately, I’ve got young kids around at breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. But I think I can manage some while I work since my job is mostly solitary now.

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25 minutes ago, Fozzie said:

Unfortunately, I’ve got young kids around at breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. But I think I can manage some while I work since my job is mostly solitary now.

Can you eat an edible or something?

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23 minutes ago, Hobbes said:

Can you eat an edible or something?

Unfortunately that’s a REALLY bad decision for people with bipolar disorder. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I had a doctors appointment today. I left with a prescription for Cymbalta, an appointment for an abdominal CT scan, an appointment for physical therapy for my knees, orders for a full blood panel, and a warning that my gynecologist that I'm seeing on Wednesday might order an "early" mammogram. 

Apparently I'm just as much of a hot mess as I thought. 

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Yup. It's no bueno getting older. 

This last two years is giving everyone I know a form of PTSD from deaths, home issues, work issues and well in my case cats.

Sending good juju, Fozzie. 

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20 hours ago, Cerina said:

I had a doctors appointment today. I left with a prescription for Cymbalta, an appointment for an abdominal CT scan, an appointment for physical therapy for my knees, orders for a full blood panel, and a warning that my gynecologist that I'm seeing on Wednesday might order an "early" mammogram. 

Apparently I'm just as much of a hot mess as I thought. 

Hey whats the abdominal CT scan for? Ulcer? Hernia?

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1 hour ago, Destiny Skywalker said:

Hey whats the abdominal CT scan for? Ulcer? Hernia?

I have a lot of pressure and a bit of pain in my upper abdomen. Mostly it feels like all of my internal organs are shoved up under my lungs making it hard to breathe most of the time. 

My new physical therapist says that I have little mobility and strength in my hips, and that's causing extra strain on my lower back and knees. So the hits just keep coming. I'm a dumpster fire. 

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3 hours ago, Cerina said:

I have a lot of pressure and a bit of pain in my upper abdomen. Mostly it feels like all of my internal organs are shoved up under my lungs making it hard to breathe most of the time. 

My new physical therapist says that I have little mobility and strength in my hips, and that's causing extra strain on my lower back and knees. So the hits just keep coming. I'm a dumpster fire. 

Hopefully this all leads to you getting better. 

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Cymbalta makes me high af. At least my first dose did. I do have to wonder if I'll be able to tell that it's working when it starts working. I feel like my depression and anxiety have been such a core part of my life for so long now, I'm not sure what it'll be like if they're gone. 

This morning, my new ob-gyn ordered a mammogram and an ultrasound to look for ovarian cysts since I have a history. Oh and the CT scan found a small hernia and some cysts around my ovaries. So I guess this means there are probably cysts on my ovaries, and now we just need to determine what kind and if they need to be removed. 

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Lol. 

My only ketamine experience was doing a line of it thinking it was something else when I was really drunk and puking into a sink. After that I was on the moon.

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5 hours ago, Odine said:

Lol. 

My only ketamine experience was doing a line of it thinking it was something else when I was really drunk and puking into a sink. After that I was on the moon.

Yeah...when an anti-anxiety drug is also a psychedelic and party drug. 

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I know lots of young anxious people who do it for funsies. Prolly for the very reason you say. But they are definitely not doing it in... pharmacological doses

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23 hours ago, Odine said:

I know lots of young anxious people who do it for funsies. Prolly for the very reason you say. But they are definitely not doing it in... pharmacological doses

This definitely was not a pharmacological dose. 

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