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And Zathras I am so sorry to hear that.  I lost my grandpa a few months ago, I understand a part of what you may be feeling right now.  Emotions are like waves in times like this, ride them out and lean on someone if you feel like any wave is too heavy for you.

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Well, so far, the new dosages and new med is working.  I don't have those dark episodes of depression, like I had a couple weeks ago.  I am starting to feel back to normal, or what should be normal. 

It's amazing what actual relaxation and minor medicine changes can do.  Filled my medicine last night. Spent time with friends. Took myself out for sushi for lunch today.  I'm in a way different

I'm sorry, I was wondering how things are going. My mom's death definitely left me a little numb for a couple of months. Would you be up for a telehealth appointment with a therapist? I know you're tr

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My condolences as well. Peace be with you.

It seems we’re all fast approaching or have reached that age where these passings of our beloved or otherwise elders are more likely to happen. A sobering thought. My biological father is terminal at the moment as well, there are complicated emotions here certainly.

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  • 5 months later...

With everything that’s gone on lately, I’m in the middle of the worst depression I’ve faced in years. Mom dying, massive layoffs at work, sprained ankle, dealing with my wife’s early pregnancy issues (bad mood, feeing tired and sick). The pregnancy stuff is fine and I understand and support her, but it’s hard when I’m struggling and it’s just one more thing on my plate. Plus I’m still doing auto claims for another week which means I’m dealing with angry, entitled liars.

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I'm sorry, I was wondering how things are going. My mom's death definitely left me a little numb for a couple of months. Would you be up for a telehealth appointment with a therapist? I know you're trying to juggle it all but its really important to make time for your health. YOU MATTER TOO.

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I did start seeing someone through BetterHelp, and I probably need to schedule again soon. My employer will pay for 6 appointments per year per reason, so I’m going to take advantage of that and then see if I need anything else.

My therapist gave me homework, which I both love and hate. I struggle with self-care at the best of times, but I keep reminding myself that showering is heroic right now. Anything beyond that deserves to have songs sung and tales told. Depression is a lot like being Don Quixote. Ordinary things become giants. 
 

The hardest part for me is that depression normally follows a really standard path, and I know how to turn it around. Typically I identify it, go off by myself and have a glass of whiskey or two and listen to sad music, and just allow myself to get as sad as possible. Basically I dive deep into the depression and then that pulls me out. This time it just sucked me in farther, and I could tell it wasn’t going to work so I stopped.

Part of the homework was to watch or listen to something comedic at least once a week. Everyone else was in bed by 9:30 last night so I watched some How I Met Your Mother and I can’t even remember much about the episode that I watched just last night. 
 

I’m also in this state where being around people is hard, but so is being alone. 

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My cousin Kaitlyn died suddenly last night. She was 26. I got a text a little after 5 that she was in the hospital, something to do with her pancreas. Then around 8 I got another call that she had died.

I start a new job on Monday, so I’m taking a bereavement/mental health day today.

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3 hours ago, Fozzie said:

My cousin Kaitlyn died suddenly last night. She was 26. I got a text a little after 5 that she was in the hospital, something to do with her pancreas. Then around 8 I got another call that she had died.

I start a new job on Monday, so I’m taking a bereavement/mental health day today.

wtf

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Be careful putting on a Jazz playlist via Spotify while taking a candlelit bubble bath. The tone can change from C’est si Bon to noir hopeless right quick. Fuchme, Spotify, all harshing my mellow.

Edit: Well shit, I should have checked the page before posting. Sincere Sorry. [prayer hands]

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1 hour ago, zambingo said:

Be careful putting on a Jazz playlist via Spotify while taking a candlelit bubble bath. The tone can change from C’est si Bon to noir hopeless right quick. Fuchme, Spotify, all harshing my mellow.

Edit: Well shit, I should have checked the page before posting. Sincere Sorry. [prayer hands]

Don’t be sorry, I always appreciate your random weirdness. 
 

In addition, a former mentor died in the past week, and a man who was like an uncle to me (husband of my mom’s best friend) is on a ventilator on the COVID unit. He picked up COVID while in the hospital following surgery on his arm. 
 

I seriously want a break. Fortunately I was able to take the day off today and I don’t really have to deal with people at work starting next week, other than my team at least.

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Thanks to everyone. Depression and grief are weird. One moment I’m fine, folding laundry and rocking out to some 90’s alternative and then the next thing you know, it hits so strong that it’s like a physical force shoving me to the floor.  At times like that, I like to remind myself that just continuing is heroic. 
 

Today is also just 4 months since my Uncle Dave died. So I feel like realizing that makes me feel better about having such a hard time. That’s a lot crammed into a short time.

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I think, instinctively, we all think grief recovery is a straight shot, and line going up on a graph as we get better. In reality, it's definitely peaks and valleys spread out over a long time. The fact you're having peaks at all is the metric you should be looking at-- there's just no one size fits all to trauma and grief response.

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