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Thank you guys! It means a lot for you to sat all that!  Today was a good today.  I got to visit my brother, and he helped me fix a few things on my car.  We both have 1972 Chevy Novas, and he is really good at finding fixes on the cheap!  I drove mine to his house and we worked on my car this morning.  Nothing major, but just the fact we got to hang out and visit while working on my car did TONS for making me feel good.  I think (hope) things are on the upswing!

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Well, so far, the new dosages and new med is working.  I don't have those dark episodes of depression, like I had a couple weeks ago.  I am starting to feel back to normal, or what should be normal. 

Well, today, my Dad's various issues came to a head and a decision had to be made.  It was either continue with hospice and simply get worse until the end came, OR, to try to continue to fight and go

Keep it up. One of the best things to do to combat depression is to do things that bring you joy, but it’s also one of the hardest things. And it normally isn’t an intentional thought to not do someth

Keep it up. One of the best things to do to combat depression is to do things that bring you joy, but it’s also one of the hardest things. And it normally isn’t an intentional thought to not do something, you’ll just wake up one day and realize you haven’t done anything that makes you happy for two weeks or months or however long.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well, so far, the new dosages and new med is working.  I don't have those dark episodes of depression, like I had a couple weeks ago.  I am starting to feel back to normal, or what should be normal.  I actually feel myself laughing more, too, which has to be a good sign.  i also have been giving CBD hard candy a try, too.   Just being able to share my experience here makes me feel better too, so thank you guys for bending an ear.  :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

My anxiety has gone from being the best it's been in years to suddenly being the worst over the last week. It's mostly triggered by the fact I have to move again after only being in this place a year, and because I am not currently booked on anything and worry about money. Technically, I have enough to live on for the rest of the year before being flat broke... but I have been in this position before. It's part of the business. BUT... it is the first time I have been in this position without having a significant other as a support structure.

I've thought about trying to date, but if I am being honest I really don't want to put the work in to building up that sort of life with a person again.

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Trying to handle being a single dad, single income, gives me anxiety all the time, man.   Sometimes I feel like my heart will beat through my chest just worrying so much.  

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  • 4 months later...

A couple weeks ago, I found my Dad in the middle of a heart attack and septic shock in his home. Needless to say I called 911 and had him taken to the hospital.  He has had a rough time in recovery as it turned out he had a gall stone that caused the infection and triggered the heart attack.  This required surgery and him being sedated and on a ventilator for almost a week.   He is off the ventilator now and has recovered to the point of being mentally with it, but his kidneys are nearly shut down and he requires dialysis now. Additionally, his arms and legs have atrophied to where it is very difficult to get out of bed, let alone use the bathroom.   Also, the hospital was saying he was a choke risk due to neuropathy in his throat and requires a PEG tube installed into his stomach to feed him liquid nutrients.   Whether or not these treatments are permanent, the doctors cannot say for sure, but they are saying they likely will be. 

Yesterday, my Dad made the decision to go on hospice, which I am still in shock over.  I understand his decision, though don't agree with it.  That said, I want to honor his wishes, especially since it is his life to live, and he can still make decisions for himself.  It's just the finality of hospice I am having trouble processing because it could be a matter of a couple weeks before he passes away.  Right now, I don't feel depressed (probably the shock of it all), but I do feel lost.   

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Sending super good juju. All of this is super hard to process and handle, Tom. 

My step-Mom used to have to cook meals and put them in a blender so my grandpa could eat them because he lost the ability to eat like normal like your Dad. 

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Thank you.  It means a lot to me!

Good idea on the blender idea, because at least he can have food that tastes like food, even if it is pureed. 

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1 hour ago, Hobbes said:

That sounds terrible.  He must really be bad to want to go to hospice.  What was his quality of life before this?  How old is he? 

Well, in recent years, his quality of life has declined.  He is 73.  Physically speaking, he should be in an assisted living community, that has medical staff.   He spends most days watching TV, as he lives alone at his home, with me as his primary care giver.  I live a mile away and check on him in person 3 times a week, and call him almost every day.  My Dad cannot drive anymore, so my brother and I take turns shopping for him, or doing things around the house, etc.  It is not an ideal situation,  but the best we can get him to agree to, because he is stubborn and independent.  In recent years, he has been hospitalized quite a bit, most times with me finding him in a bad way, and either taking him to the hospital or calling 911.  He has a bad heart so he has a pacemaker/defibrillator, severe neuropathy which limits his mobility (and makes him a fall risk) and limits his ability to eat.     

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5 hours ago, Zathras said:

Well, in recent years, his quality of life has declined.  He is 73.  Physically speaking, he should be in an assisted living community, that has medical staff.   He spends most days watching TV, as he lives alone at his home, with me as his primary care giver.  I live a mile away and check on him in person 3 times a week, and call him almost every day.  My Dad cannot drive anymore, so my brother and I take turns shopping for him, or doing things around the house, etc.  It is not an ideal situation,  but the best we can get him to agree to, because he is stubborn and independent.  In recent years, he has been hospitalized quite a bit, most times with me finding him in a bad way, and either taking him to the hospital or calling 911.  He has a bad heart so he has a pacemaker/defibrillator, severe neuropathy which limits his mobility (and makes him a fall risk) and limits his ability to eat.     

Geeze...and at 73...that is awful.

I guess from his perspective, hospice lets him die with dignity.  Is it in-home care or is he going to a facility?  

I would probably make the same decision or would try to OD on painkillers if my quality of life is that poor.

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First of all, I am so sorry, Tom. That is a hard decision to cope with.

Is the issue that his kidneys would likely fail within weeks without dialysis, or something else like the nutrients? We chose end of life care for my mom when she had pneumonia and became septic, but that was like a 48 hour thing, not hospice.

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That’s rough Tom, you’re already handling it with more control and grace I could muster. It sucks, but give yourself credit for managing this.

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9 hours ago, Hobbes said:

Geeze...and at 73...that is awful.

I guess from his perspective, hospice lets him die with dignity.  Is it in-home care or is he going to a facility?  

I would probably make the same decision or would try to OD on painkillers if my quality of life is that poor.

My dad has elected to go home and they will be providing in home care through hospice.  My Dad is also hiring a non-hospice home care to help throughout the day.  I am looking into getting FMLA, as is my brother, to also help out.  IF nothing else, I will be spending the nights at my Dads, when hospice and the other in home care giver is not there.  I understand his decision, though being family, I don't agree.  But that said, I support my Dad's decision because it is what he wants. 

 

To everyone, THANK YOU for your well wishes and comments! They help me more than you know, and make me feel that I am not alone! 

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9 hours ago, Destiny Skywalker said:

First of all, I am so sorry, Tom. That is a hard decision to cope with.

Is the issue that his kidneys would likely fail within weeks without dialysis, or something else like the nutrients? We chose end of life care for my mom when she had pneumonia and became septic, but that was like a 48 hour thing, not hospice.

I've made peace with my Dad's decision.  It still hurts, but now I am in the mode of carrying out what my Dad wants and helping him out.   He is not home yet, as he had a rectal bleeding issue, likely a broken hemorrhoid.  He may be released today, or sometime soon. 

As for him deciding hospice, yeah, that is exactly what the doctors are saying.  It will likely be a matter of weeks.  Knowing how my dad is, and how he is with birthday and deathday dates, he may be trying to make it until the day my mom passed on aug 13.   

 

8 hours ago, Tank said:

That’s rough Tom, you’re already handling it with more control and grace I could muster. It sucks, but give yourself credit for managing this.

I have been helping my dad (and mom when she was alive) since around 2000 or 2001.   So, a long time.  It literally became as much a part of my life as say a child does for a parent.  I am not comparing this to being a parent, mind you, just saying when you do something a long time it becomes  routine in a way.

I did have to drop one of my classes, pushing my grad date back to at least May 2022, but my Dad comes first.   Work has been great working with my schedule.  

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Dude. Don't know what to say, but so very sorry. 

You're doing the right thing in honouring your father's wishes and just by being by him in this time. My thoughts are with you and your pops. 

Latter/end of life care can't be easy to take on board, but you sound as though you are and have been fantastic with your parents. 

Kia Kaha. (Stay strong). 

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So my dad is at home on hospice now.  It had been non-stop work and I am exhausted.  My brother and I are taking turns in shifts, with me at night so that I can work during the day, and him and the care giver during the day doing the heavier lifting.  My dad has to have someone with him at all times because he is bed ridden.  Mad respect for nurses and caregivers who do this type of work for a living. I don't know how they last past a day in those professions!

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