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I’m mainly going to use this as a place to get some stuff written down and out of my head.
 

I brought it up in the Job Hunting thread, but I think starting a new thread is better to keep from hijacking it entirely.

The past year and a half has been super shitty for me. I was laid up for most of a year with a rare stomach issue that kept me vomiting and in constant pain to the point that I was getting injections of powerful narcotics on a regular basis. Then when I finally got back to work, I was reporting to a new boss who is terrible.

Fortunately there was a new opening in a different division at work, so I interviewed and was about to be offered the job when Covid sent us all home and the governor instituted a hiring freeze. So I’ve been stuck with the same supervisor who has gotten more and more ridiculous and obvious in her desire to just get rid of me. Recently she reprimanded me for falling behind while I was out sick with Covid.

I’ve been applying for jobs for the past month or so, and only one interview really worked out, but the salary was $20k too low. 
 

So, work is super shitty and I’m having anxiety attacks that wake me up at night. I dread 5 days every week, which makes it harder to do my job, which in turn gives my boss more ammunition against me, because I’m not perfect. I also know that I’ve gotten interviews where I’m definitely not the most qualified candidate, but it still sucks that every interview ends without a job. I’m at a point where I’m ready to start looking at jobs I know I won’t really enjoy, just to get out of the shitty environment I’m in right now.

I’m actually doing a little better following my drinking the other night, but that’s not really saying much. I’m stuck in a pit of despair, feeling like a failure because of work and the stress of being the only income for my family. 
 

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Fozzy, I am sorry you are going through that.  I am going to say a few things, and their only purpose is to simply say you are not alone.  I have gone/still go through depression and anxiety, and I can relate to working a job I hate.  The whole year 2019 was very rough on me, which led to my depression and anxiety coming to a head last fall, and I had to finally admit I needed professional help and medication.  Even though I am having some success, it still is a struggle some days to get up and do my job, and I constantly fantasize about telling my boss and his boss to eff off and I quit.  But right now, I can't afford to do that, and I think employers across the nation know there are a lot of employees that feel the same, so the employers pile on even more work and ridiculous new requirements.  All I can hope for is that when the COVID crisis is over and the economy stabilizes, jobs return, and I  finally can tell my employer to fuck off.  It will be icing on the cake if I can do it at the most inconvenient time for my employer, too!

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I appreciate your experience. I’m on mood stabilizers, which is probably the main reason I’m not suicidal right now (and I’m really not). It does help to know I’m not alone. 
 

A woman jut suddenly quit, despite her intention to stay 5 more years to retirement. She also reported to the same supervisor, and I wonder if she left for the same reason. She definitely had more freedom to quit, because she was basically just working so they could finish paying their mortgage quicker and then join her husband in early retirement 

I’m especially frustrated because under my last supervisor, my job was amazing. She gave clear direction, and we collaborated on a lot. Then she retired and I got the new boss and it’s been a nightmare.

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Ah, depression, my new-ish friend.

I’ve had anxiety and a low-grade depression since the day I was born, but it really turned into a problem about a month into that terrible job I took in 2019. It got worse and worse as the job went on and a resulting nervous breakdown (I actually had two in the 9 months I worked there) in March was the end of that job.

I hoped it would get better away from that toxic environment, but with my unemployment troubles it’s just gotten worse.

I’ve been on Cymbalta for years now because of fibromyalgia and anxiety, and the depression hit even through that. Upping the dose didn’t even help, so now I’m on Abilify on top of it, which does help the hopelessness and the circling “no one cares about me” thoughts. It hasn’t helped the fatigue or congnative problems. I am also not suicidal, to the utter shock of absolutely everyone who knows what I’ve been going through, but I am not worried about dying from Covid (I am worried about surviving Covid but giving it to my grandma and her dying).

I was also exercising daily before and during, so there goes that dumb myth.

My doctor desperately wants me to see a therapist, but the only clinic covered by my Medicaid is a good 45 minutes away with no public transportation available and I don’t have a car. Yes, telemedicine is a thing but I hate it and the depression keeps me from trying it. Talk about a vicious cycle.

So, yeah, you’re definitely not alone here.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I’ve been doing telehealth with a psychiatrist for my bipolar. Finally met with him today and we’re adjusting my meds, hopefully starting tonight.

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My sister is finally coming on Friday (Fingers crossed). She's on a mood stabilizer too. I wonder about those and how they affect depression. I feel like they  help a little but honestly I feel like they make her depression last longer like it's hovering all the time right there. She's on the generic of Xanax. 

Telehealth sounds like it's a good lifeline. The pandemic has caused more depressing things than I can think of in a long time. 

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Yeah, it’s especially great because I get to see someone way more qualified for less money, and it’s super quick.

I don’t have a problem with nurse practitioners. The first person I saw was one and she was great. But since then it’s been iffy. Now I get to see the former head of psychiatry for the Cleveland Clinic without leaving my house.

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I have friends who are nurse practitioners, including two psych nurse practitioners, and they’re both well respected and I believe they do a good job. But, yeah, obviously I have a preference.

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The nut in my sisters nursing home we're dealing with called to let me know that they were transporting my sister to the hospital because she needed a blood transfusion. She said the hospital was going to keep Tina there to find out where she's losing blood. I called the nurses station later that night to have them check to see if Tina took her phone as I couldn't contact her and Tina was back and no other tests were done except to provide a transfusion. And they didn't do it right. It's supposed to be done while she's on dialysis. Instead they gave her dialysis at the nursing home and then transported her to the hospital where they gave her blood and she came back at 3 AM. The nutty nurse practitioner released her from the nursing home care and later on that day the port that they do dialysis through was openly hemorrhaging blood. So you can see where I have my doubts about nurse practitioners and nursing homes. God help Americans as we have the shittiest health care. 

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I am ok seeing a physicians assistant, but I am iffy on nurse practitioners.  It just seems like the quality in treatment for nurse practitioners is all over the place, and either they don't have the education, or in other cases, lean to heavily on evidence-based or wholistic treatment, rather than real science.  A physicians assistant, by contrast, is more or less an actual physician, with a bit less certification but still has the training and experience to handle most situations.  

As for nurses in nursing homes, IMHO, they are generally the B or C team, either where nurses go when they get fired from a better job, or just never that good in the first place.

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On 10/16/2020 at 8:42 AM, Zathras said:

I am ok seeing a physicians assistant, but I am iffy on nurse practitioners.  It just seems like the quality in treatment for nurse practitioners is all over the place, and either they don't have the education, or in other cases, lean to heavily on evidence-based or wholistic treatment, rather than real science.  A physicians assistant, by contrast, is more or less an actual physician, with a bit less certification but still has the training and experience to handle most situations.  

As for nurses in nursing homes, IMHO, they are generally the B or C team, either where nurses go when they get fired from a better job, or just never that good in the first place.

Amen to B or C team. If you are any good, you're working at a hospital or medical practice. I'm pretty sure the qualifications for nursing homes are actually a lot lower, my cousin worked at one and she definitely did not do a 2-year program. My best friend is a nurse who wants to get her ARNP once her youngest starts preschool/Kindergarten, she says nowadays it actually requires a PhD in nursing, not just a MS.

We've not had good experiences with PA-Cs, actually. My husband won't see anyone but a doctor now because of a couple bad experiences.

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The majority of the care staff you see at nursing homes are Certified Nurses Assistants or CNA’s or “see-nahs” as they’re called in the industry. Nursing homes usually also have a few LPN’s to pass meds, and at least one RN running the show.

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On 10/16/2020 at 10:42 AM, Zathras said:

I am ok seeing a physicians assistant, but I am iffy on nurse practitioners.  It just seems like the quality in treatment for nurse practitioners is all over the place, and either they don't have the education, or in other cases, lean to heavily on evidence-based or wholistic treatment, rather than real science.  A physicians assistant, by contrast, is more or less an actual physician, with a bit less certification but still has the training and experience to handle most situations.  

As for nurses in nursing homes, IMHO, they are generally the B or C team, either where nurses go when they get fired from a better job, or just never that good in the first place.

Yes, we were experiencing that with Tina right now. She was in a rehab for a while until I could figure out how to get her to me in Texas. The nurses were all over the place. Oddly I find that ER doctors tell you lots of things that are helpful and make you feel like things are going on that help my sister and then as she gets moved progressively down to the nursing home rehab less and less and less communicative. It was like sacrificing a goat to get information about Tina which was especially hard when you are not even in the state. I had to get medical POA and that didn't help much either. 

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Back to depression. I think I've been experiencing this. I feel like it's a midlife crisis or something. It started when Tim informed me he wasn't interested in taking care of Tina and I knew I'd be stuck with her while he got the money that was supposed to be used for her care that he promised to do for Mom and I was feeling super bad for myself. My whole life has been a roller coaster this year of stuff. And it's impact means that I am getting depressed. I have a good support system and go to Alanon meetings to help with the impending sister moving in with me but I feel like my whole life is about to get a lot different. 

I've been walking more to make time for just me. I think we have to do that. It's about an hour but it's no kids, no cats, no family. Just me and pokemon go or my music or both. 

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It's probably depression. I read somewhere that depression is when your life is not going how you expected it to, and your brain can't handle the dissonance. For me, that explained a lot, my problems really started when I realized I hated the job I found but couldn't bear the thought of going into another job search.

I didn't realize it was depression for MONTHS. I just felt "off" and the off kept getting worse and worse.

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YES. The mood swings are worse too. I get cranky mad at the smallest things. Which is hard to hide at school but I try. This week we had more returning school kids and although not at full capacity I am still feeling a little anxious because of that. When Tina finally gets here I get to work from home for the end of the year. But they're hard up for teachers who want to work. I feel like I'm letting some people down. Somethings got to give. 

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MS Spammy, if you WEREN'T depressed after all you have been through, I would be MORE worried. You have been through a lot, and every time I see a post about your family issues, all I can do is send my thoughts and prayers for you.  I literally do.  I hope things turn around for you.  I am sorry you have to deal with the family issues you do. 

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