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Trying To Make Sense of Something That Happened Twenty-Two Years Ago


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Just a little bit of fun with the title.

 

My kids have been asking a lot about my past lately, and I recently remembered something that happened a long time ago, and it sorta ties in with the other thread but Id rather start my own.

 

Now, this isnt actually something Im trying to understand. I was young and stupid, and thats more the point: just sharing a story of being young and stupid with girls.

 

I was involved in the theater department in high school, and every year we did a showcase of stuff from the intro to drama as acting classes. My junior year I was taking an acting class and my teacher originally tried to match me up in an awesome Noel Coward scene with a girl in the class and two stoner guys who couldnt remember more than a sentence at a time. Wasnt going to work, and I told her. She agreed and paired me up with the girl, Laura, to play a young couple just falling in love. It was a great scene, and we were chosen to perform in the showcase.

 

I lied and said I had a family thing that night because the scene involved us kissing each other on the cheek, and I was afraid to do it in front of my friends. So I bailed on holding hands with a beautiful girl and kissing her cheek, and being kissed on the cheek by her, because I was afraid of my friends teasing me.

 

So, yeah, people thought I was gay in high school.

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I have a similar possibly even sadder story from the same age. When I was a kid Id go to my Aunts to swim often, across teh street there was a girl. Lets call her Laurie for our purposes. We were pretty good friends. She was always a pretty girl, one year ahead of me in school. One summer the year I turned 14, my bday is in August, I went over there to swim and Laurie went from being a pretty girl a year older than me to being like basically a bombshell. I went from being completely friendly with her to barely able to talk to her. We were the 2 oldest kids whod be at the pool and shed often even invite me to her parentless house across the street because the little kids in the pool were annoying. She wanted to "play computers". Ofcourse as I could barely speak to this girl in her bikini Id say no for gods know what reason.

 

Looking back I have no idea if anything would have happened. Certainly the fact that I was too shy and scared to even go would have meant she would have had to be really aggressive. But for a quiet, shy 14 year old kid to be invited back to a house alone with a girl a year older who was insanely hot and wearing a bikini just makes me shake my head.

 

Its one of the hundreds of times in my life I wish I could just go back and shake my younger self and say "are you an idiot or something?" Ofcourse I was.

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That's okay. People thought I was gay in high school because -- I got to leave class early for lunch because I went to a technical center for the last three periods of my day. So, one day, some kid and his friend, neither of whom I had ever seen in my life, were waiting for me in the empty hallway so the one guy could ask me out. Which, I declined, because that is definitely not how you ask a girl out, cornering her in an empty hallway with backup while she's alone, and I sure as hell was not going to reward his behavior. So, when I declined, he told me he was going to tell the whole school I was a lesbian. And I realized that that didn't bother me in the least. Especially if it kept the immature losers who went to my school away from me.

 

This can be the "why people thought I was gay in high school" thread.

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Half the shit I write takes place in high school because I never had the adventures, romances, and magical moments John Hughes promised me.

 

Apparently you have to leave the house for that sort of thing.

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If anyone thought I was gay in high school it was because I kissed girls. Once topless. At a concert. While on our friends' shoulders. But I really don't think "lesbian" was the prevailing opinion after that incident.

I did have, however, my fair share of "if I knew then what I know now" moments. My lab partner in electronics was this super-popular super-hot boy, a cheerleader actually so also super-strong and flexible, and we were lab partners because he actually asked me to be his partner. This was like the 3rd day of class. On the first day of class, he sat behind me. On the second day of class, the kid sitting next to me was like "oh yeah...here ya go, Cooper" and changed seats so Cooper could sit next to me. None of this even registered with me at the time. In fact, after our teacher told the class to partner up for our first lab, this other kid (super obnoxious loud-mouthed lil' shit he was) was like "Oh Cooper knows who he wants to partner with!!", and it still wasn't until many years later that it hit me that Cooper might've actually liked me. I honestly thought at the time that he wanted to cheat off of me or something.

AND THAT doesn't even hold a candle to this - the football player that I had a MAJOR crush on used to come lay down by me during our history class together. Sometimes with his head on my lap. Our teacher would allow us to sit however we wanted during her lectures, so I would sit on the floor with my back to the wall facing the chalkboard/projector screen (omg I know I just aged myself). Eventually he started sitting by me. Then laying down by me during lectures. Then one day he just put his head on my lap while I was taking notes. I, also, legit thought he was trying to cheat off of me somehow...AND I HAD A MAJOR CRUSH ON HIM THO!!! I cringe at this memory.

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  • 1 month later...

Having been a teenage boy, he was DTF.

 

So my experience in the hospital has made me again take stock of my past and reconsider some things. I dont have a lot of regrets, which is a great thing to be able to say, but my relationship with my best man from my wedding is one.

 

I dont know exactly what happened, but shortly after my son was born, our friendship just ended. I mean, he pretty much ghosted me, but I dont know why. And yes, I know thats part of ghosting so I didnt need to spell it out.

 

I ended up sending him a letter, basically saying that I had Covid and thought I was going to die, and while I was reflecting I realized I wanted to apologize for whatever I did to him. I told him that I didnt expect a response, but I just wanted to apologize and hopefully give him freedom to look back on our friendship positively.

 

Im not sure if it was a stupid thing to do or not, but I also think that looking back and only seeing one relationship that really needs repair is pretty good. Unless Im just enough of a dick to not care about too many people.

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I got out and about consistently in high school, but in different ways than perhaps were typical. My friends and associates always seemed to like talking to a glasses pushing up Clark Kent like I was, but they really did not like having that type at parties or camping trips. Probably because I couldnt stop myself from doing stuff like remaking a ridiculous and eminently dangerous fire pit into a safe one... because its no fun if its not dangerous apparently. If you hear bitterness there, at one time during those years there was legit bitterness, but that was mostly because it was this Clark Kents Lois Lane who was the one that was like do not invite him again. lol

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Its a good thing teenagers dont actually know how horny and insecure everyone else is, or wed have a huge number of teen pregnancies.

 

I really dont expect a response. But I sent it USPS, so he should have it by Christmas.

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Brando, did your best man have any kids of his own when you had yours?

 

Heres what usually happens: childless people have never had to care for an infant, so they dont know the details but they know its really hard. And they dont want to make it any harder, so you drop off a casserole when the baby is born and otherwise let the new parents dictate when they are in a place to resume the friendship. Even checking in is hazardous - I remember one time I texted Jacob just as he got a very fussy newborn Lyra to sleep, and the text alert sound woke her up, and I felt AWFUL about it.

 

Meanwhile, the new parents never seem to dictate when theyre in a place for friends again. And Ive heard new moms talk about how they dont feel comfortable resuming friendships with childless people, because their baby is their entire world, so they feel inadequate against their friends career projects and travel plans and nights out and such. Which I thought was pretty funny, since we childless folks feel inadequately maternal enough to hang when our new mom friends ignore us for their new friends they met at baby yoga.

 

Not to mention, if a baby is the one thing you want most in the world and you dont have it but your friend does? It sucks but its true, sometimes its just too painful to stick around and watch other people be happy, even if it is your friend and you want to be happy for them.

 

So I wonder if you did anything to apologize for, or if the friendship just couldnt survive such a drastic change.

 

Granted, Im talking from a female perspective here, male friendships may work differently.

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Brando, did your best man have any kids of his own when you had yours?

 

Heres what usually happens: childless people have never had to care for an infant, so they dont know the details but they know its really hard. And they dont want to make it any harder, so you drop off a casserole when the baby is born and otherwise let the new parents dictate when they are in a place to resume the friendship. Even checking in is hazardous - I remember one time I texted Jacob just as he got a very fussy newborn Lyra to sleep, and the text alert sound woke her up, and I felt AWFUL about it.

 

Meanwhile, the new parents never seem to dictate when theyre in a place for friends again. And Ive heard new moms talk about how they dont feel comfortable resuming friendships with childless people, because their baby is their entire world, so they feel inadequate against their friends career projects and travel plans and nights out and such. Which I thought was pretty funny, since we childless folks feel inadequately maternal enough to hang when our new mom friends ignore us for their new friends they met at baby yoga.

 

Not to mention, if a baby is the one thing you want most in the world and you dont have it but your friend does? It sucks but its true, sometimes its just too painful to stick around and watch other people be happy, even if it is your friend and you want to be happy for them.

 

So I wonder if you did anything to apologize for, or if the friendship just couldnt survive such a drastic change.

 

Granted, Im talking from a female perspective here, male friendships may work differently.

I hear you, but I can verify this wasn't the case from my POV. It's easy to get drawn into kids, but I was still texting and inviting him to do stuff regularly, and had freedom to hang out as much as normal. At the time Louis was born, I didn't have any friends with kids.

 

What happened, in a real way, was he went and eloped, I found out about it on Facebook. I texted him and asked if we could take him and his wife out to celebrate, he responded with "I don't think that's a good idea" and then never responded to anything else. We ran into each other at a mutual friend's house a few months later, a bunch of single guys and us, and it was super awkward and he left after about 20 minutes, despite driving 30 minutes to get there.

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If it is any consolation to you, he's clearly the one who's been the bad friend. You may not know exactly what you did that upset him, but you reached out, then and now.

 

Even if you were at fault with something, in my book a person who refuses to communicate is generally the unreasonable one. At the very least he could say "you did this, eff off" for closure.

 

Only people scared of confrontation tend to ghost.

 

Instead of sitting with "what did I do wrong" you can now sit with "I did the best I could to resolve it."

 

If you're like me, it will still eat at you a bit, but at least you'll know you tried.

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I think that reaching out was the right thing, but like I said, I don't expect a response at all. I did what I needed to do, and now I'm done.

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Even checking in is hazardous - I remember one time I texted Jacob just as he got a very fussy newborn Lyra to sleep, and the text alert sound woke her up, and I felt AWFUL about it.

If its any consolation I have absolutely no memory of this.

 

Well, duh, you were sleep deprived at the time. That's why I felt awful about it, Lyra was clearly fine.

 

I hear you, but I can verify this wasn't the case from my POV. It's easy to get drawn into kids, but I was still texting and inviting him to do stuff regularly, and had freedom to hang out as much as normal. At the time Louis was born, I didn't have any friends with kids.

 

What happened, in a real way, was he went and eloped, I found out about it on Facebook. I texted him and asked if we could take him and his wife out to celebrate, he responded with "I don't think that's a good idea" and then never responded to anything else. We ran into each other at a mutual friend's house a few months later, a bunch of single guys and us, and it was super awkward and he left after about 20 minutes, despite driving 30 minutes to get there.

 

Ahhh, yeah, with that piece of information - sounds like he eloped with a bitch. That kind of thing happens to me all the time with guy friends who hook up with jealous girlfriends. It's weird he did it to a guy friend, though. She must have had some baggage.

 

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I know she was divorced and had a really horrible first marriage. And he and I were like super best friends. For years, if you saw one of us you saw both of us. It naturally cut back when he moved out of the city we were living in, but it wasnt that far. So I guess I can understand some jealousy. But, at the same time, you can cut back without cutting out.

 

I dunno. I was really hurt by it at the time, but it really doesnt bother me much now. Its been 7 years, but the combination of almost dying and my anniversary happening (11 years yesterday!) and looking at pictures with my daughter really put him on my heart.

 

That and Beastie Boys Story and Beastie Boys Book. We were both huge fans, he was supposed to go with me back in 2000, and went to see them with me in 2008. He also bought me their concert DVD Awesome I ****ing Shot That which is the next thing I need to watch if I can ever get my kids to bed early enough that I can put it on the TV with the sound bar.

 

Theres like a 1% chance that Ill hear from him, or ever hear anything about it at all. But I dont really care, because I did what I needed to do. My conscience is clear and thats what matters to me.

 

FWIW, I also apologized to the ex who cheated on me and dumped me, a couple of years afterwards. It was after she had tried to get back together and I flat out refused, which I did not apologize for, but I also didnt treat her as well as she deserved in certain areas. So even though she did something way worse, I apologized for my shit. Im glad I did it, because it was the right thing to do, but it amplified her efforts to get back with me. I switched email addresses at one point to switch to Gmail, but up to that point I heard from her regularly. Because I was the one that got away.

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Yeah, I had a couple of friendships like that that ended up like that. Both I've reconnected with since the breakup, one I kind of keep in touch with still (she is a MESS and we don't have anything in common anymore other than shared childhood memories and knowing a bunch of the same people), the other I wouldn't even know how to find anymore.

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Even if you were at fault with something, in my book a person who refuses to communicate is generally the unreasonable one. At the very least he could say "you did this, eff off" for closure.

 

Only people scared of confrontation tend to ghost.

Ehh... I cut out my childhood best friend after she got married because of how she treated me leading up to her wedding and how her friends treated me at the wedding. I knew they didn't like me at the end of high school, but 15 years later they were clearly going out of their way to be rude and encouraged her to not let me come to the rehearsal dinner, despite being the guest who traveled the furthest. Even her mom and step-dad were furious with her, but didn't want to ruin her wedding day. I was just so done with being treated badly that I just stopped communicating. And it wasn't for a few more years that I realized she had gaslit me for years when we were kids until I called her on it one day, and then she just did it more subtly. If she ever reached out, I would be honest enough to let her know that I was really hurt by her actions and its clear that our friendship is not a priority and we need to move on. (Admittedly, the hardest part of this is that I adore her mom and stepdad, who are like an aunt and uncle to me. I mourn that loss the most.)

 

I am not saying that's what happened in Brando's case. I think you did the right thing but I'm also glad you are prepared to let it go. Like you said, you said your piece and the rest is on him. It sounds like this has given you peace (though it was a little awkward feeling).

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I think it only counts as ghosting if you ignore the persons attempts to contact. I tried a few times in the months following, but after I tried to call and then text him birthday wishes a few months later I quit.

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What do you call responding when contacted, but otherwise not initiating contact in any way?

 

I have this former friend who doesn't realize she's a former friend. We became friends in college, and were tight for a few years, but she's always been a very high-maintenance person, and honestly, I kept the friendship going longer than I probably should just because she throws awesome parties with well-connected people. She decided to re-invent herself as a "business coach" a couple of years back, and she just became a self-absorbed monster.

 

I went to a concert with her about two years ago where she pissed me off so badly I basically decided to ghost her. I stopped initiating contact, and I muted her on all social media platforms. I fell away from any mutual friends we had more because of my job loss and depression than anything, but that lessened our contact even more.

 

But, every so often she'll text me. Usually to ask me something for her own benefit, without even a "how are you?" Occasionally she'll text me articles, or to ask me about things that I was into two years ago, but that I haven't thought about once in the two intervening years. I'll answer those texts, and they've only ever produced some very short and awkward back-and-forths. She'll comment on my Instagram or LinkedIn posts every so often. And she shows zero signs that she is aware that the friendship died two years ago. And I've turned it into a game, to see if she ever notices. Is that bad?

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I'd call letting it naturally die. You're doing the bare minimum, which is acceptable, especially since she's not actually being a friend. She's dropped from friend to acquaintance, which is perfectly acceptable. I have former coworkers who are like that, we'll text or LinkedIn message when there's a need in networking, but otherwise we don't check in, even though we used to be friends. Heck, I was in one guy's wedding and that's our relationship now, and it's cool.

 

I also have friends who are single who just say "Hey, we know you're busy so get in touch with us when you want to hang out" and sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Normally it does. We'll go away for a weekend every year or two, and have a blast, and then not see each other for a year. They never call or text, but they're always super excited to hear from me and immediately jump on whatever idea I have. It helps that they're not local, and that I don't have social media. But those relationships are as tight as ever. We hung out a lot more when I lived in the same town, but life changes and we're mature enough to understand that. Whenever it doesn't work out, it's normally related to their work schedules being crazy. One guy legit put in a 24 hour day once, because he was on call after work and the computer system went down so he spent all night fixing it.

 

Friendships change and that's cool. I mean, sometimes it sucks, especially if you want more than the other person, but it sounds to me like neither of you really want to be friends.

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The last woman I dated thought I was weird for not having a unified circle of friends. Like, she has a solid group of 5-6 people that are her only social life. They do things in pairs, trios, full group-- whatever hanging out any of them does, it is with another person from that circle.

 

I don't do that. I have a lot of acquaintances, and maybe 6-7 close friends. Some of them know each other. Like a couple are friends from school, and we'll hang out, with other acquaintances from school. But mostly, it's people I know closely one on one. Now generally, we have friends in common.

 

I guess it's like, I have a series of pools of acquaintances. There's people I went to grad school with, people I have worked with, people in the indie horror scene in LA, family, etc. Groups come and go-- like people I went to high school with tapered from a big pool down to one or two.

 

And while I can navigate these groups, be friendly, hang out, and talk to a lot of people inside those groups, I am generally only truly close to and hang out one on one with one or two from each group.

 

And I have a few friends that are outliers I met some random way. If I ever had a party it would probably be awful. Is this weird?

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