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Have You Ever Felt Unwanted By . . . Well, Everyone?


32 replies to this topic

#1
Zerimar Nyliram

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I know this probably comes down to perception, but recently I've been dealing with overwhelming feelings of being rejected, overlooked, or not included by just about everyone outside my family. I'll try to list the outside factors as quickly as I can:

 

1. I ate lunch with a group of people every day at work (I'm using the past tense because I was terminated a week ago). With a few exceptions, they were all quite a bit younger than me, and although they were nice to me, I never felt I was truly one of them. I was not included in the group chat that was created on our company messaging service (probably overlooked) so I missed out on several announcements about where they planned on going, and ate lunch alone recently.

 

2. The people on my team at my latest job became close, called and texted each other, and hung out outside of work. I never go anyone's numbers nor did I hang out with anyone (though this is the same no matter where I work).

 

3. Two girls at work were talking once about how great this Tony guy was because he was very empathetic and always went out of his way to ask how someone was feeling when they were upset and console them. This left me wishing people knew how sensitive I was, how much my heart bleeds for people when they suffer, and how I wished I knew how to express my feelings to people better to make them feel better about themselves.

 

4. There was one girl I had a crush on at work. (I've spoken about her on here before: the one that was entirely too young.) It was one thing that we turned out not to be a good match for one another, but aside from pleasantries, it seemed like she altogether stopped caring about me as a person, whereas she still cared about the others on the team. 

 

5. Regarding another I've spoken about here often and have dedicated multiple threads to: I met her two years ago and she was an absolute breath of fresh air. She was one of the few people who got me, and I her. But she ended things between us because before they even began of insecurity issues, and I was invested and heartbroken. if you recall, I brought her into my life several times, most recently deciding that I needed to distance myself from her because I still had strong feelings for her which she was not returning (one of the hardest things I've ever had to do). We reconnected yesterday (and we still get one another), and she is doing well. She's fallen in love with a man whom she mentioned she was dating when I briefly spoke to her back in November, but at the time she said she wasn't feeling it and I thought for sure it'd fizzle out. But it turns out that she decided to give the guy a chance and they are now in love, where previously he was into her but she had not come around. This has me feeling gutted because that was the exact same place we were in when we dated, and that was the chance she should have given me but didn't.

That last point also ties back to the fact that I wish I had the ability to convey my emotions in a meaningful way, but people (and her) will never know what level of love I am capable of. No matter who it is, there is this nagging voice in my mind telling me that I know I will never truly be one of them (often in the voice of Desann, the main antagonist from Star Wars: Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast. So that's fun, at least).

Anyway, not only was I fired in January but my beloved dog also passed away. So yeah, 2020 is off to a fantastic start! Thanks for putting up with me, gang.



#2
The Kurgan

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I felt this way a lot in the first two years or so of high school. Invisible, basically.

 

I don't know how much anything's changed, really. Perhaps I've just come to like it this way. When I do get noticed, it ends up costing me time and/or money somehow. When somebody wants something. The less noticed I am, the freer I am to engage in my nerdy pursuits. If you really want to be noticed, especially by a prospective romantic partner ... well, be careful what you wish for. 



#3
Ms. Spam

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At  home growing up after my parents divorce I felt unwanted ALL the time. 

 

Now I just want my job to unwant me a little less. I feel so pulled in so many directions and overwhelmed by everyone's needs. 



#4
Darth Krawlie

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I've felt this way often throughout my life. I'm fortunate that I have a wife and kids and that takes away quite a lot of it now, but not entirely. There's never been a period in my life when I've had a lot of friends. I've had one very close friend my entire life and others that have come and gone, but even with that one, we've lived far from each other ever since high school and haven't seen each other with any regularity since. I've often tried to make friends in various ways, and it almost always fails. I guess I wouldn't say I feel unwanted--but lonely, constantly.



#5
Brando

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I feel like I'm the opposite of both Krawlie and Zerimar, in some ways.  I have an easy time making friends, I have a decent number of them.  I'm part of a Christian community that is in addition to our parish, and there's some strong commitment.  My best friend lives across the street, and it's rare that I want to do something and have no one to do it with.  I'm married and have kids (like Krawlie, unlike Zerimar).

 

But there are times when I still feel unwanted and lonely.  It's not all encompassing, but it happens.  

 

Having said that, my feelings of loneliness or being unwanted are normally pretty small compared to a lot of people. Partially because I have those relationships and partially because I'm an introvert and a misanthrope.   There was a study that I read about though that said very few Millennials claim to have even one friend. There's an entire generation that's disconnected, and it includes people who seem like they're popular and part of the in crowd.

 

Having said that, Zerimar, you seem to have some answers in your post.  You want people to know that you care, but it sounds like you either don't show it or don't know how.  The first step is to always be friendly, but not too friendly.  Smile. Say good morning. Ask about their night last night, or their weekend. Don't go too personal too quick, but ask questions about the other person.  People LOVE to talk about themselves, and you can have conversation for hours that will make people feel really good just by asking questions and showing interest.  

 

That's the other part: be interested.  No matter what someone likes, even if it's something they hate.  Maybe you'll talk to someone who saw TROS last weekend and loved it.  Even though you have no interest in the movie, take interest in what the other person liked about it.  I have zero interest in most sports, but I can talk to people about them for a long time because I take an interest in the other person's interest in it.

 

At one of my old jobs, where things were stressful (I've been in insurance for a decade, and insurance is stressful) I had a candy dish at my desk that was open for people to come and get a piece when they were stressed.  If someone was having a bad day and I heard about it, I'd deliver them a couple of pieces (always chocolate, I never stocked anything else). 3/4 of the time I was on a call or they were on a call or I'd deliver it on their break, but everyone knew it was me.  It was a really simple way of showing people that I was interested in them and their well being. 



#6
Zerimar Nyliram

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Here's the thing, though: I don't like to go along with the crowd. Based on all I've researched, people who spend their lives feeling left out generally become more agreeable and conforming. As much as I want to feel included, I do not want to conform to what they are.

 

I want to do my own thing and be liked for it. Also, ever since I was little I have absolutely abhorred trends. They've always annoyed me, and they still do. That's why people who tell me I need to "get with the times" when I say I don't know this or that recording artist or that I do not have Snapchat and have no plans to get it quickly get under my skin. If somebody doesn't want to be my friend because I ask for their phone number instead of their Snapchat, I have no use for such a vacuous person in my life.



#7
Dark Wader

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I can 100% relate you how you're feeling. But your last comment is very indicative of a lot of things. You want to relate to people, you want to feel wanted but you're completing challenging the status quo. You can't have it both ways unfortunately - you can do your own thing, but if you're going to get annoyed at people who challenge that or don't fall into line with your thinking, then you're going to be alone. 

 

Don't see this as an attack or anything because again, I can completely relate. But unfortunately when we're in the position we're in, sometimes you need to cave to the new social norms. 



#8
Brando

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Here's the thing, though: I don't like to go along with the crowd. Based on all I've researched, people who spend their lives feeling left out generally become more agreeable and conforming. As much as I want to feel included, I do not want to conform to what they are.

 

I want to do my own thing and be liked for it. Also, ever since I was little I have absolutely abhorred trends. They've always annoyed me, and they still do. That's why people who tell me I need to "get with the times" when I say I don't know this or that recording artist or that I do not have Snapchat and have no plans to get it quickly get under my skin. If somebody doesn't want to be my friend because I ask for their phone number instead of their Snapchat, I have no use for such a vacuous person in my life.

I didn't say anything about going along with the crowd.  If you think taking an interest in people is going along with the crowd, then sorry, you're destined to be alone and you need to just accept it.  Because you're never going to meet someone exactly like you.


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#9
Zerimar Nyliram

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I wasn't actually talking to you, Brando; I was addressing everyone in the thread who has posted.



#10
Tank

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I get you-- I generally always choose the path of least human interaction. I find people, in general, to be mostly stupid and simple.

And yet I get lonely very easily, and have chosen a career in which the only measure of success is approval of the masses.
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#11
Odine

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LA is one of the loneliest cities ever. London can be too. Or any big city for that matter, though those two in particular are seemingly built to engineer loneliness. You (anyone) can be surrounded by people and living a very social life but have one devoid of meaningful relationships and human interaction very easily.

Brando nailed it though. If you want friends, engage with people. Ask them questions (in a non probing way).
But also stop giving a **** what people think about you. If they don't like you or want to engage then they aren't worth the energy. Don't be resentful of people, it's not a good look and doesn't bring in any friends. People as a collective are a bunch of twats it's true, but remember you are one too and are not immune to the faults you see in others. Start looking after yourself. Respect yourself. Go to the gym or go for runs, any kind of physical training that you can enjoy and stick to. Spend more time outdoors. The more you start to do those things and feel better in yourself about yourself you will start to draw peoples interest, either for friendship or romantically.

Edited by Odine, 09 February 2020 - 02:14 AM.


#12
Ms. Spam

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Pokemon Go has helped me get an amazing amount of friends. Gaming is weird.



#13
Destiny Skywalker

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I see you talking about Snapchat and music trends, do you tend to be around a lot of younger people? I think you and I are pretty close in age, and I can tell you that none of my friends or coworkers talk about that stuff. I do have a few younger coworkers that maybe do, but it's not all-consuming.

If trends bother you that much for simply being trends, honestly, you might be coming off as kind of grumpy/dismissive and scaring people off that way. Or intimidating.

I think Brando gave really good advice on being empathetic and how that attracts people when its genuine. And I'm sorry to be harsh, but the way you reacted afterwards might be indicative of the issue. You made it all about you and how you're special and too good for trends. That's a good recipe for loneliness right there. If you can't take a genuine interest in anyone but yourself or your opinions, then it will be difficult to make genuine friends who also care about you.
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#14
Zerimar Nyliram

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But also stop giving a **** what people think about you.

I DON'T!!! I honestly have no idea how you got that out of my post, especially with my follow-up post above. Read it again, please.

I do go to the gym. I've been training with a trainer for nine months now. And I'm not resentful at all.

 

The rest of what you said is good, though. Thank you.



#15
Zerimar Nyliram

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I think Brando gave really good advice on being empathetic and how that attracts people when its genuine. And I'm sorry to be harsh, but the way you reacted afterwards might be indicative of the issue. You made it all about you and how you're special and too good for trends. That's a good recipe for loneliness right there. If you can't take a genuine interest in anyone but yourself or your opinions, then it will be difficult to make genuine friends who also care about you.

That's . . . admittedly accurate. I never considered that was what I was doing, but you may be right.



#16
The Choc

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I have to agree with some recent posters. You seemingly only look at this from your perspective. I mean the line "they dont know how much love Im capable of" or whatever exactly you said sounds like somethihng a crazy person would say to their captive. You say that girl is giving this other guy the chance she should have given you. Why? She likes the other guy better, plain and simple. No one SHOULD give you a chance. 

 

Your attitude seems to be "im awesome and these other idiots need to realize it."


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#17
Odine

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But also stop giving a **** what people think about you.

I DON'T!!! I honestly have no idea how you got that out of my post, especially with my follow-up post above. Read it again, please.

I do go to the gym. I've been training with a trainer for nine months now. And I'm not resentful at all.
 
The rest of what you said is good, though. Thank you.
You said you get annoyed when people don't realise you are empathetic and care about others, and you got jealous or annoyed when this other dude got credit from people for being kind. That IS giving a **** what others think of you, AND being resentful of the other guy.

No offense

Edited by Odine, 10 February 2020 - 02:31 AM.


#18
D-Ray Kenobi

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I've been through a lot of bad spells where I let my head get to me and lead me through dark places.  It still happens a lot, but I think I've learned to deal with it a lot better.

A lot of us feel some sort of deep seated need to be liked by a huge audience of people.  Realistically, that can't really happen.  Every person has their own experiences and biases which could make them either adore you or be annoyed by you.  The cool thing is that each of us have a small handful of people who are going to stick around with you despite all that.  Maybe you'll spend more time with them at some times and not so much other times, but they'll still have your back no matter what.  Those are the people to focus on and care about when it comes to what they think. The rest are valuable in their own way, but they're still just noise.
 

It kind of sucks to say it, but really, nothing matters.  Every single one of us are going to die, all of us are going to be forgotten.  Unless you're some sort of huge historical influencer like Steve Jobs or Walt Disney, everything you're going to do is going to be forgotten.  There's some spiritual implications that you can choose to adopt that can help with wrapping your head around that, but that's up to you and each person's mileage will vary.

That kind of stuff used to stress me out.  Now I kind of feel good about it.  If I make a mistake, do something dumb, or lose touch with a friend, who cares?  Nothing matters.  I can pick what matters.  My wife and best friends and the dumb and fun stuff we do together is what matters to me.  I feel like I've made a pretty good footprint on their lives and have been lucky enough to have one for a good number of people in some niche interest groups too.  It took a little work, but I made it happen and I'm proud of it.

 

It honestly probably takes a few hits and a lot of thinking to really get to a good point.  Sometimes you might need a hand in figuring it out.  There's no shame in it.  



#19
D-Ray Kenobi

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She's fallen in love with a man whom she mentioned she was dating when I briefly spoke to her back in November, but at the time she said she wasn't feeling it and I thought for sure it'd fizzle out. But it turns out that she decided to give the guy a chance and they are now in love, where previously he was into her but she had not come around. This has me feeling gutted because that was the exact same place we were in when we dated, and that was the chance she should have given me but didn't.

 

I wanted to comment specifically on this part because you've got to be careful about this kind of dangerous line of thought.

Just for some background, know that I have some different experience. I started hanging out with my now-wife when I was just seventeen and we've been together ever since.  I had stupid short lived teenage girlfriend flings, but never dated anybody other than her. 

 

That was a long time ago now, it blows my mind how superficial and emotionally brutal the dating world has gotten in those nearly two decades.  The stories I hear from friends all sides of the dating world these days are excruciating.  There seems to be a lot of emotional turmoil you have to put yourself through, whether or not you're looking to build something long lasting or just one a one time thing.

 

That's all to say that for better or worse, dating seems to be the emotional equivalent of Mad Max: Fury Road.  It being that brutal means that you can't get hung up on one person or what actions they took.  Maybe it was defensive,  maybe it was spur of the moment, maybe they were just being a jerk.  You've got to have some thick skin and a lot of armor and just be ready to forget it and move on.  Getting hung up on one thing or one person isn't any good for anybody.



#20
Gamevet

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Rule of thumb.

Dont be interested in telling anyone about yourself. Just be interested in whats going on with the person that youre talking to, and maybe they will take interest in whats going on with you.

I remember one time I was talking to a much younger girl than my age, and the subject came up about her having arthritis and being so young. I just asked her if she took glucosamine, or tried icing her arthritic shoulder. Sometime later she grabbed my arm and gave it a your thoughtful squeeze. I wasnt trying to hit on her (she was attractive), but I felt compassion for her discomfort. Never made the conversation about me, and Im pretty sure it was a highlight of her day, that someone took the time to show concern about her discomfort.

#21
Zerimar Nyliram

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But also stop giving a **** what people think about you.

I DON'T!!! I honestly have no idea how you got that out of my post, especially with my follow-up post above. Read it again, please.

I do go to the gym. I've been training with a trainer for nine months now. And I'm not resentful at all.
 
The rest of what you said is good, though. Thank you.
You said you get annoyed when people don't realise you are empathetic and care about others, and you got jealous or annoyed when this other dude got credit from people for being kind. That IS giving a **** what others think of you, AND being resentful of the other guy.

No offense

 

I meant that it made me sad that I was unable to convey these feelings to people, for their benefit, not mine. I was annoyed at my own inability, not that someone else was being credited for it. And I never mentioned jealousy.



#22
Zerimar Nyliram

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Thank you, D-Ray and Gamevet. Dating is fairly cutthroat.


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#23
Odine

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But also stop giving a **** what people think about you.

I DON'T!!! I honestly have no idea how you got that out of my post, especially with my follow-up post above. Read it again, please.

I do go to the gym. I've been training with a trainer for nine months now. And I'm not resentful at all.
 
The rest of what you said is good, though. Thank you.
You said you get annoyed when people don't realise you are empathetic and care about others, and you got jealous or annoyed when this other dude got credit from people for being kind. That IS giving a **** what others think of you, AND being resentful of the other guy.

No offense
 
I meant that it made me sad that I was unable to convey these feelings to people, for their benefit, not mine. I was annoyed at my own inability, not that someone else was being credited for it. And I never mentioned jealousy.

The jealousy comes across in the tone of your original post, rather than anything explicitly that you say. Choc's comment touches on this too. Your original post is full of what could be read as jealousy or resentment. If this is not how you intended to come across perhaps you need to look at why people are always misunderstanding you.

Anyway, you are not alone (rimshot) in your feelingings of loneliness. It's super common. Good luck, Jah Bless

#24
Zathras

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ZM, I am saying this not to pile on, but because you are a fellow human, and hopefully this will help you in some way.  I'll be blunt.  I will be harsh, as it is intended.   Your posts almost always come off as bitter, resentful, immature, and you seem self absorbed and anti-social.  This indicates to me you are someone who lives in their head more often than in real life, and you have very little in the way of social skills.  You also seem to have a low opinion of women, and see them as objects of desire to be collected and bent to your will, than see them as fellow humans who are your equal.  I'm no psychiatrist, but I think you have some emotional problems, possibly severe depression, that you should seek out help for from a trained professional.  I can say from first-hand experience, if you do seek out help from a professional, maybe get on medication if the professional deems it necessary, you will find many of your issues may solve themselves.  I waited to get help too long, but once I did get the help I needed, I felt 100% better, and the only thing I regret about getting help, is not doing it sooner.  

 

Good luck to you.  Sorry to be harsh, but sometimes one needs to hear it straight up and un-sugar coated!


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#25
D-Ray Kenobi

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I'll add on to what Zathras said because I totally used to be that guy.  There's still some days where I am still that guy, they just thankfully are more rare.

It's tough because it's so easy for people to fall through the cracks.  You don't get to develop social skills because so few people will give you the chance.  You don't get to how understand or treat a woman because hardly any of them want to talk to you.  You don't get to get out of your own head and out of your own depression because hardly anyone understands it or wants to help without being paid to do it.  It's not fair, and it sucks.

You end up going through a lot of rationalizing and self-loathing, but it all eventually ends up to the same conclusion: The only person responsible for your health and wellbeing is yourself.  Once you do the work, figure stuff out, and show that positivity on the outside, people start to gravitate to you and give you those chances that they didn't before.


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