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The Goop Lab


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I decided to get high and watch this shit for the lulz. I mean, if anyone is qualified to laugh intelligently at the wellness industry, its definitely me. I have a BACKGROUND in this.


I feel like the same people who produce the Kardashians show made this one. Its like if E! and the O Network bumped uglies and this show happened nine months later.


I thought it would be hilarious. This episode about mushrooms is so boring. So, so boring. Theyre trying to make it sound very scientific with all of these expert and patient interviews, but they frame them so theyre like American Idol backstory videos. Which sounds horribly great, but its really just a total snooze.


I cant recommend this. Why am I doing this? Im bailing.

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I dont tweet anymore, so yall are going to get my live thoughts compiled in a not live post.


THE VAGINA EPISODE. Actually the female orgasm episode.


This show has THE LONGEST INTRO and its so navel gazing.


Okay, so the sexpert they hired to anchor the episode is sitting in the Goop offices being interviewed by Gwynneth and her CCO Elise who I find vaguely unsettling for some reason, and Gwynneth and Elise are all like this is our favorite subject! WE LOVE VAGINAS! and the sexpert is like the vagina is just the birth canal, youre talking about the vulva and at first they just laugh at her, and then theres a subtle edit and they were like really? We didnt know that! This is after the intro where Gwynneth talks about how shes been Gooping since 2008, and, like, you built your brand around vaginas and dont even know what a vagina is? Also, it really bothers me how many grown women have no idea that all those flappy, hairy fun bits are called a vulva.


So, theres nudity in this episode. I notice Gwynneth has yet to actually participate in any of this stuff, she just does the office interview. At least shes learning things?


I do appreciate that the Goop staffers in this sex workshop segment are all out here with little if no makeup. Gwynneth and Elise are definitely fully made up.


These boudoir photos did not turn out as well as the setup led me to believe they would. Theyre cute, theyre just very lo-fi.


Seriously, girl, youre an actress based in LA and youve never heard of labiaplasty?


If I were asked to pick my own vulva out of a lineup, and I have definitely seen my own vulva many times, Id probably still fail.


Hello closeups of vulvas flashing across the screen.


I would have put Gwynneth at at least 10 years older than she really is. Yikes.


And again - it bothers me how many grown women have no idea what the internal part of the clitoris looks like. I myself saw it for the first time at about 34 years old.


If I had a silver clitoris, I would wear it as a necklace charm. Just saying.


P sure that lady just quoted Awkwafina.


Oh. Okay, I learned something new. I had always heard about that study about porn being unrealistic, but I never knew the why that led to that statement.


Im a little sad that this mastrubation lesson wasnt a tutorial, but I suppose she cant give away all her sex coaching for free.


And fin.


Okay, that was a lot better than the mushroom episode.

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So would you say this is a "so bad it's good" type thing or just straight up awful? I'd almost be keen to do the same when I have a mountain of weed and a refrigerator of beer at my disposal. . .but playing Red Dead Redemption 2 might just be a better use of the time. . .unless you think otherwise!

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Okay, I had to watch the energy healing episode out of professional curiosity - Im a Reiki Master, trained extremely traditionally back when the symbols were kept secret and before everyone and their brother decided to quote unquote channel their own Angel Witch Unicorn Reiki. Im also one of the very few who went through the entire Usui system, including William Rands Karuna Reiki. Its a rare Reiki Share where Im not one of the most if not the most highly attuned person in the room. I have been disinvited to most Reiki Shares because of this.


FYI, I dont care if you believe in this or not. I happen to, I promise Im not going into debt or being abused/abusing anyone, its not a cult (well, I cant speak for the Angel Witch Unicorn people), it makes me happy, and I need happy things in my life.


So, I know what this guy is doing. And I can do the same thing WAY less violently! And my particular style/talent is a bit harsh, Im an energetic ball buster. But I dont cause pain. Pressure sometimes, but definitely not pain. Elise saying that her exorcism (quote unquote) was painful was just... dude, no. Learn to do this kindly.


And nonononono to group sessions like that. This is an unpopular opinion in the woo community, but Im not into group meditative experiences. Thats like getting into an untreated hot tub with 12 other people.


Best part of this episode was Gwynneth getting up off the table after her session (this was the only part we saw of her session, while Elise and the staffers let it all hang out on camera) with clearly messy hair, subtle edit, and now shes at a different angle with her hair and makeup all touched up. Girl, stop. If your staffers are doing it, you do it, too.


And at least they never claimed it was a true cure-all. I am so ****ing sick of little Level 1&2 Practitioners telling me they can cure my Fibromyalgia. Like, no. You never ever ever say you can cure someone. Thats bullshit. I would never say I cured or could cure anyone of anything. And again, see above, Im a damn Karuna Master. If Reiki could cure Fibromyalgia, I wouldnt have it! First of all, thats not how this works. Second of all, you making bullshit claims makes all of us smell bad.


/end rant

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