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Clueless Zerimar Asks For Advice Once Again


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You guys are great for dating advice. So I had a crazy idea today.

Backstory: I recently decided that I would probably have better luck finding an idea mate by dating within my own familiar territory, most importantly within my Faith, but more pointedly among Greeks. As a Greek, I have a lot in common with other Greeks. Not only that, but Greek women are the most beautiful women on the planet, hands-down. I planned on going to a New Years Eve ball on Christmas Eve at a church I am familiar with but is not my own parish, was is a large parish and sure to have many nice young, single ladies I could mingle with; but alas, the snow that came ruined those plans, and I did not want to either drive or put an Uber driver through the dangerous task of driving me forty minutes away and back again.

Anyway, this morning someone liked a post on Facebook that I made. This was a pretty Greek girl I added a few months ago, mostly because she was pretty, but with the added excuse being that we had like thirty friends in common. Ergo, I could pretend I knew her. Well, I forgot about her until she liked a photo, so I opened up her profile and really liked what I saw. She looks like exactly the type of woman I would like, at least externally, plus we have Faith and culture in common, and she is very close to my age. (She has a few tattoos, which I really don't care for, but I guess nobody's perfect.)

So how might I start up a conversation with her? I was thinking of going with something like, "Oh, hello. I added you some time ago seeing we had friends in common, and I believe I thought you were someone else at the time. Anyway, hello, new friend." Not exactly like that, but you get the idea.

She does look a bit intimidating, though. She is supermodel-hot, has a very athletic build, is well-traveled, has a degree, and generally looks successful, happy, and prosperous. I, on the other hand, am moderately handsome, have just begun my gym life and am having a hell of a time getting rid of my belly, have not had enough time or money to travel much, have never finished college, am broke and live with my parents.

Ugh! I'm overthinking this too much. I haven't even met the girl yet! Time to go to bed. In any case, I've never tried hitting up girls on Facebook before and am not great at doing it online in general. Any advice? Was my opener a good idea?

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If you're actually gonna do the send-facebook-message-to-girl-I-don't-know thing, which is generally inadvisable, don't start off with lying by saying you thought she was someone else. Be upfront about it. But really, don't send a message like that. Do what Nicole says.

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Check and check, was going to say what Krawlie and Destiny said. There was a time when reaching out virtually worked, but it has become a creep move because women get a lot of it, and it generally is bad.

And yeah, if you added her because she was attractive and you had things in common, there's no way to say that in an honest way which is going to force you to get creative.

Honesty and being clear about how you feel is important, but so is doing it in a way that's not going to make her uncomfortable.

Do what Destiny says and talk to people you have in common. You could do it virtually too-- just watch for an opportunity to have a genuine organic back and forth publicly on a friend's FB. I actually met the woman I am currently dating that way.

We had friends in common, we both posted a reply to a comment, and had a little back and forth. After that, she friended me directly. We had a few more encounters like that, and before long ended up somewhere real and had a conversation. By the end of that convo, she asked me out.

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Engage her in conversation online-don't hit on her at *all* online. Maybe just send a simple PM "Thank you for liking my post" thing and see where it goes. Leave any comment with an easy question she can answer-like "Hey, thanks for liking my post! Did you see there's a new restaurant in our neighborhood, The Flying Cow? I'm thinking of checking it out! Have you been there yet?"

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I was gonna do it eventually, like after it had been dead for a week and then I was gonna come back and post "fixed"

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Honesty and being clear about how you feel is important, but so is doing it in a way that's not going to make her uncomfortable.

Absolutely THIS. The fewer lies and creepy things you perpetrate now, the fewer humiliating confessions you'll have to make later if you actually make it past a first date.

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I think don't even pursue it. If she's as hot and as cool as you say she probably has to deal with this on the regs and that means is more than likely sick of it. Wait for a real world spontaneous interaction to occur naturally, but don't go looking to make that interaction happen. If your paths are meant to align they will,

weather you want them to or not. But chasing someone never works. It's like walking into a bar with a sign over your head saying "I'm keen". And from what information you've put out here, I get the impression you probably come on a little strong. (no offense meant by this).

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I do come off strong. I can't help it. People do get the wrong impressions about me, which I've gotten all my life.

I think you're right, though. In fact, the day after posting this thread, I started thinking it probably wasn't a great idea and to just let it go.

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I do come off strong. I can't help it. People do get the wrong impressions about me, which I've gotten all my life.

 

I think you're right, though. In fact, the day after posting this thread, I started thinking it probably wasn't a great idea and to just let it go.

Sometimes when you write it out (or say it out loud), you realize it's not a good idea.

 

You do strike me as a direct communicator, which I can totally get as getting misinterpreted often. I sympathize because I'm also pretty direct and have witnessed how uncomfortable that makes others. I'm amazed at how many people find that incredibly intimidating (especially where I live now in the Seattle area, the capital of Passive Aggressiveness in America). Out of curiosity, is that characteristic common in Greeks? If so, maybe you're on to something with wanting to focus on Greek women. I actually think it's not a bad plan to narrow your focus a bit, as long as the main criteria isn't beauty first and everything else second. I hate to say it, but supermodel hot women tend to know they are hot and think that is the only important thing, too. (This message brought to you by a solid 4 or 5, who is really over vanity and vapidness lately. My husband's mom was a very pretty woman when she was younger, and in her late 60s, the most important thing in the world is how thin she is and how attractive she is, and it is nauseating.)

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Meh, I am not the prettiest girl in the room and I am ok with it. My dad's family valued education and that's how I was raised. I am starting to realize many girls were not raised that way. I see it with my daughter's friends and with the women my age and older.

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I think reaching out to anyone under the context of having a lot of friends in common is a great idea. It's a much better head start with a grounds for commonality than trying to kickstart anything out of Tindr or whatever.

 

There's two things I'd suggest:

First, you seem to have an idea built in your head that she's out of your league. Maybe others might disagree, but I think "leagues" don't even exist. It's this shared narrative that a lot of people have bought into as if it's some sort of hierarchy or caste system. Things like that only exist when people say that they do, and nobody has to. If you like a person and they like you, that's all that matters. If you continue to think that way, you'll just self-sabotage yourself with doubt and hesitation.

Second, in any direction that a relationship may go, treat her well and be transparent and honest. Maybe she's smoking hot, but after a few dates you might theoretically decide that her personality isn't for you and you want to break it off. Part of that honesty and transparency is telling a lady that it isn't going to work out and being upfront as opposed to just dropping everything and ghosting her. I know a ton of single women who have had that happen to them, and every time it's just gut wrenching and heartbreaking for them. They end up questioning themselves and finding every possible fault that the guy might have found in them. It's just not cool.

Most of all, just be yourself and be thoughtful and honest. It seems like most aren't. Heaven help anyone who plays the dating game these days. Things have changes so much even in just the past ten years where it just seems like it has become so soul-sucking and brutal.

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