You Want to Know What Sucks About Love?

[Zerimar Nyliram]

There is this side to love and dating that I've always despised, and it is the notion that if things don't work out romantically, you should cut off all communication with that person. While I've always understood the psychology behind this--you need to heal and not be constantly reminded of the "good times" you've had with them when they're around--I always hated it because, to me, it felt very dehumanizing. It was as if the other person (or you) was (were) disposable because it didn't work out the way you (or they) wanted. "I didn't get what I wanted out of you, so I'm done with you." I always felt that it was better to gain that person as part of your life in some capacity, even as a friend, than it was to lose them completely because things didn't work out romantically for you.

Today, all of that changed. I know that I have to say goodbye to a woman I care about deeply, who does not return the same feelings. I thought I could be her friend, but all it's done is make me want her more. I thought telling her how I felt would brings some peace, and it did, but since then she's expressed reservation at the prospect of spending a wild evening with me at the dance clubs in Pittsburgh for fear that I expected something to happen between us. I saw a psychologist today who helped me realize that I cannot be friends with her because I will always be hoping that she'll come around, when all signs are showing that she will not. Even before I went to see the psychologist, I was feeling (and fearing) that that may be the harsh reality.

And so here I am, knowing that I need to tell my valued friend goodbye tomorrow, and am an emotional wreck about it. I'm not really looking for advice or anything like that, just someone to vent at, and you guys have proven excellent at that. Tomorrow is the big day where I let her go, and it scares me, crushes me, and I know it will all the more once the words finally leave my lips.

I'm going to miss her. She's amazing. But I need to heal, and so far, this is not healing. I hate that this is the cold truth about love, and it still feels dehumanizing; but I see now why it is necessary.

Thanks for listening. God bless.

[Odine]

Yep.

[Ms. Spam]

I have embraced cats. Because all my loves have never been permanent. Two guys I dated turned out to be gay, one was just crazy, and one had a family back in Mexico.

[Zerimar Nyliram]

It is done.

[Guest]

I don't get what's dehumanizing about realizing that people want different things in a relationship that makes it incompatible. Guy wants romance, girl doesn't. The thing that I see as dehumanizing is denying your feelings because of some idea of how adults should act.

 

I don't think that's just when romance is involved. It happens with friends, too. I have friends who still just want to get drunk, and I'm a married man with three kids and a job who really doesn't have the time / energy / desire to go out drinking all the time. In that case, is it more adult to go with them and do what they want because I want to remain friends? They want different things out of our relationship than I do, so that relationship falls to the wayside in honor of new friendships that match where I am in my life and what I want out of a friendship. Now, I would say there are different types of relationships, like I wouldn't leave my wife, but in the absence of a long-term commitment, realizing you're in different places and moving on is okay.

[Zerimar Nyliram]

You're right, Fozzie. I'll have to keep that in mind moving forward. Maybe I always realized what you're saying and the way I felt was just a subconscious excuse for not wanting to let go. I don't know.

She took it harder than I thought she would. To hear the hurt in her voice . . . That was hard. One of the hardest things I've had to do in years.

[Guest]

Yeah, I hear you. It's hard. And it should be hard. That's part of what makes us human.

 

The end of anything is hard for people who aren't messed up. I've had very few relationships in my life where it hasn't been easy to walk away, and I know that isn't a good thing. It speaks to the difficulty I have building relationships, or maybe it would be more accurate to the difficulty I've had in the past.

 

I can say that I've had my heart broken once, been hurt by losing a friend once, and that isn't because of lack of relationships.

[Tank]

You're right, Fozzie. I'll have to keep that in mind moving forward. Maybe I always realized what you're saying and the way I felt was just a subconscious excuse for not wanting to let go. I don't know.

 

She took it harder than I thought she would. To hear the hurt in her voice . . . That was hard. One of the hardest things I've had to do in years.

I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes you need to have this crap moment, then come back later under different circumstances. Sometimes time and reframing things makes friendships easier.