As many of you may remember, in the span of a few months I have posted two threads asking for advice with two different women, namely failed relationships. I'm here to ask advice about the woman from my first thread once again, though not in the way you may think.
I think I've healed. The truth be told, though, I do miss her. I don't mean that necessarily in the romantic sense, but I miss how well we understood one another when we dated briefly. I miss the texts, the calls, the reciprocal understanding, the empathy. It was so refreshing to meet such an exceptional human being and have them be part of my life, to understand her and to be understood by her. We both have not had it easy, having to deal with lots of pain and being "different." It is rare to meet someone who understands your trials and tribulations so well.
And for that, I miss her. If you'll remember my first thread, when we decided to stop dating I told her I would need some time with no communication to let my feelings die down. That happened, and I slowly began to reach out to her again. We had a few great conversations, and even met up again in July. We've texted and spoken on the phone a few times since then, and it's always well received, but here's the drawback: I am the one who always initiates it. It's not like it was before where we texted one another freely and spoke on the phone once a week, and that's what I miss. But as I said, when we do talk or meet up, she seems to enjoy my company, it's just that I'm the one who does all the initiation (and rarely at that).
So we're supposed to go to dinner sometime this week. I'm trying to figure out a way to tell her these things, that I miss the frequent communication, the empathy, our quirky senses of humor, and everything else. I want to hint that I want to feel like she cares, but I'm trying to figure out how to do it in a way that does not sound weak or needy because I know that that is precisely what drives girls away. Despite these threads I've made here, I am not a needy guy. I am fairly confident, though it has taken a while to get to where I am. All I've read about "getting your ex back" (although that is not what I am trying to accomplish here, at least in a romantic sense) says that you need to convey the fact that your life is just great without them, and that will make them curious. I can't figure out how to do that with her, and to be honest, I think she's the type of person who appreciates when guys open up. She did say she liked that about me, after all. Oh, and I also realize that you can't evoke trust or fondness through rationalization, so yeah, there's that as well. Well, at least I know that she listens and is reasonable.
Any ideas are welcome.
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Hey, It's Me Again
Posted 26 January 2019 - 09:02 PM
Posted 27 January 2019 - 02:43 AM
You set the rules, and she followed them. Just because you're ready for you can't expect her to either A, be on the same schedule as you, or B, interpret your change in behavior to mean she should too.
To point A-- the best analogy I can think of, is back in the day I had this boss who would always come back from vacations and lose his mind. We were working the entire time he was gone, but he'd reurn and panic that HE hadn't worked in two weeks. He'd go into overdrive, then get mad if we didn't match his energy. Another example, sometimes my partner spends all day buried in a task, and puts off hanging out with me. Frequently I'll do something else, get halfway into it, then she gets mad I don't drop everything cause now SHE'S ready to hang out.
Point being, everyone has their own schedule and life. You can't get miffed if they aren't in the sme place as you.
To point B, most people have a "do as I say, not as I do" person in their life. I'm sure I'm that way to my kid. I'm always telling him to wash his dishes and yet I dump mine in the sink.
Just because you've changed your MO, you can't expect her to automatically know this means you want her to as well.
Again, she respected the parameters you set, so you can't get bent of shape about it.
Good news is, just tell hee the embargo is over.
But at the same time, if you make hardline boundaries with someone, it's not always easy to come back, especially if you shut them out. The burden is on you to tell her it's cool, but also show her you can be that way, but without the more confused feelings. Given what went down before, she has every right to protect her feelings.
- NumberSix +1 this
Posted 27 January 2019 - 05:34 PM
Posted 27 January 2019 - 07:54 PM
I just talked to her via phone and was shocked at what a blast we had chatting. It was seriously amazing! Just like old times!
Didn't talk about any of this stuff; I'm saving that for when we meet up. But tonight's conversation instills in me that she would most likely be receptive to the idea of frequent communication.
Posted 28 January 2019 - 01:03 PM
You can also get past a lot by taking all of your feelings and pushing them down as far as they can possibly go.
Yeah.. ball them up like a tight little knot and stuff them in a secret place to slowly fester, to magically re appear at an inopportune time with gusto! Usually involving alcohol, a broken hand and a hole in the wall, smashed cell phone followed by a cry(wank) in the shower. That's how real men do it.
Edited by Odine, 28 January 2019 - 01:06 PM.
- 3 & 6 years to go... +1 this