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Woman Issue


43 replies to this topic

#26
Zerimar Nyliram

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If you look you will not find. It's only by getting on with your own thing will the life partner come into it. Actively looking for love never finds it. It's a bit like walking into a bar holding up a sign saying "I'm keen".

I took that exact advice to heart a decade ago, and I am still single, which has led me to become more proactive in recent years. I seems like I'm damned if I don't and damned if I do.



#27
Brando

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Meh. I know plenty of people who met through dating sites and have been married for a long time. I had just ended discerning out of the priesthood and was expecting a long period of celibacy while I figured out the next step, and after a couple months my wife and I graduated from acquaintances to talking for hours every night.

The point is, there's no right way.

#28
Zerimar Nyliram

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I wanted to be a priest for most of my life as well! Even went to seminary. Fortunately, our priests are permitted to be married as long as they marry before ordination (I'm Orthodox). But I also entertained the idea of entering a monastery, which is a life of celibacy.



#29
Iceheart

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If you look you will not find. It's only by getting on with your own thing will the life partner come into it. Actively looking for love never finds it. It's a bit like walking into a bar holding up a sign saying "I'm keen".

I took that exact advice to heart a decade ago, and I am still single, which has led me to become more proactive in recent years. I seems like I'm damned if I don't and damned if I do.

 

Same.

 

I mean, I did eventually figure out that I'm queer and that's the majority of my "problem," but I've heard my whole life that you find someone when you're not looking, and... I'm not looking nor am I finding, and have been in this state for 20-some years. Which tells me that there's no surefire way to find "The One," and I really wish everyone would retire this little saw, as it really only applies to some people and hamstrings others.



#30
monkeygirl

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a) how to bring the relationship idea up again in a way that is presented as something that would be mutually advantageous, and b) how to bring up this whole "not-ready-for-commitment-yet-heartbroken-by-another-guy" issue.

 

A) Don't. You've already made your offer and made yourself perfectly clear. To 'offer' again is begging.

 

B) Don't. Do you REALLY want the answer to this question? She won't say it, anyway-she's being polite.

 

 

She's just not that into you. let her go. COMPLETELY.

 

 

Funny! I posted before I read any response.

 

"Geez, I don't need to cut someone out of my life for not being into me. I'm not that bitter about it." It's not about being bitter-it's about how you do these things. You've already put the ball in her court now, twice and she won't even lob it back. That should be a huge clue as to how to proceed. (I wish this is something I knew years ago). She doesn't want and may not even understand why. Also-almost every woman would be MUCH more intrigued by a guy who disappears rather than one who is always available to be a 'friend' so it's not just good for your head to disengage, it's the most effective way to light a fire under her ass.



#31
monkeygirl

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Feelings are hard.

The lady in question has told you no, twice. Do not make another attempt. If she is okay with being friends AND you can keep from trying to escalate it to something more than friendship, that's great, but accept that she does not want to be in a romantic relationship with you.

This x 1000. She may think you're a great catch, but not HER catch. That's the vibe I'm getting. Before I was married, I had lots of guy friends who I thought would make excellent partners, but not my partner. Some of it was personal attraction, other things were little crap that I knew would make me crazy but someone else wouldn't mind.

While I can understand the desire to know why, she doesn't owe you anything. And quite frankly, it probably will hurt your feelings, and she'll likely sugar coat it. The best you can do is be your authentic self, and maybe spend a little time on self-reflection if you're having trouble dating quality women. Are your standards too high? (Don't get me wrong, don't settle for someone mean or nasty. Everyone deserves to be loved and treated well, so long as they treat others well.) I've had a lot of male friends with unrealistic standards of attractiveness. I flat out had to tell a friend that he wasn't hot, he wasn't rich, and he wasn't all that funny, so he needed to stop expecting his girlfriends to be supermodels. (He married a doctor, not too shabby. But a supermodel she's not. But she is effing hilarious and probably my favorite wife out of our friends.) Is there something you're doing to scare off quality women? Some women like being pursued, some don't. It's not about wanting guys who are disinterested, it's about intensity and wanting your own identity. Some women (and people) just need space.

 

OMG THIS.

 

This issue is so plain to see unless you're the one in it. It is SO tough for me!! I get the least bit attached and when it doesn't work out for him, I want to know why, so I 'don't do that' the next time. But the thing is, there may not BE a 'that' and each time with each person is 100% different-so even IF you are doing a thing, it isn't beneficial for you to track down that thing and how THIS girl felt about it because the next one may not even notice your 'thing' (and we truly hope that does not happen).

 

 

and I'm in therapy over THIS-to this day....

 

 

"she doesn't owe you anything."

 

 

I know this is true and accurate and mentally healthy. But I still cannot release my inner 4-year-old's feeling on this; "IT'S NOT FAIR" WHY do other people get to break your heart into a bajillion pieces without some sort of atonement? I want reparations! I want revenge! I AM A CHILD. But it still ****ing hurts like nobody's business.


 

Feelings are hard.

The lady in question has told you no, twice. Do not make another attempt. If she is okay with being friends AND you can keep from trying to escalate it to something more than friendship, that's great, but accept that she does not want to be in a romantic relationship with you.

This x 1000. She may think you're a great catch, but not HER catch. That's the vibe I'm getting. Before I was married, I had lots of guy friends who I thought would make excellent partners, but not my partner. Some of it was personal attraction, other things were little crap that I knew would make me crazy but someone else wouldn't mind.

While I can understand the desire to know why, she doesn't owe you anything. And quite frankly, it probably will hurt your feelings, and she'll likely sugar coat it. The best you can do is be your authentic self, and maybe spend a little time on self-reflection if you're having trouble dating quality women. Are your standards too high? (Don't get me wrong, don't settle for someone mean or nasty. Everyone deserves to be loved and treated well, so long as they treat others well.) I've had a lot of male friends with unrealistic standards of attractiveness. I flat out had to tell a friend that he wasn't hot, he wasn't rich, and he wasn't all that funny, so he needed to stop expecting his girlfriends to be supermodels. (He married a doctor, not too shabby. But a supermodel she's not. But she is effing hilarious and probably my favorite wife out of our friends.) Is there something you're doing to scare off quality women? Some women like being pursued, some don't. It's not about wanting guys who are disinterested, it's about intensity and wanting your own identity. Some women (and people) just need space.

 

OMG THIS.

 

This issue is so plain to see unless you're the one in it. It is SO tough for me!! I get the least bit attached and when it doesn't work out for him, I want to know why, so I 'don't do that' the next time. But the thing is, there may not BE a 'that' and each time with each person is 100% different-so even IF you are doing a thing, it isn't beneficial for you to track down that thing and how THIS girl felt about it because the next one may not even notice your 'thing' (and we truly hope that does not happen).

 

 

and I'm in therapy over THIS-to this day....

 

 

"she doesn't owe you anything."

 

 

I know this is true and accurate and mentally healthy. But I still cannot release my inner 4-year-old's feeling on this; "IT'S NOT FAIR" WHY do other people get to break your heart into a bajillion pieces without some sort of atonement? I want reparations! I want revenge! I AM A CHILD. But it still ****ing hurts like nobody's business.



#32
monkeygirl

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crap



#33
Robin

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Happens to the best of us, MG.

Happens to the best of us, MG.
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#34
Robin

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That said, the only thing I will add to all this (and bear in mind I am a self professed idiot) is that in my experience love isnt work.

Whoa now, everyone, whoa. Love takes work, it takes a commitment and effort to let go of the little things. Of course love requires partners working together to build bonds through the easy times so that it can bend and stretch to survive hard times. But love isnt work.

If you are trying to convince yourself that you love someone, or that they are trying to convince themselves they love you, that is probably the type of work which only builds resentment and costs everyone time and heartache.

Like Fozzie said, not saying there is a right way, and I am not deciding for you that your situation is right or wrong. Just saying, dude, as RUA said and echoed by Destiny plus others, your love interest has already made a decision about you being a couple twice.

I feel for you. I was lucky in finding my love when we were both fourteen. In my twenty-six years of a relationship and twenty years married I have learned that while my wife is almost always right, my wife is always right about how she feels.

#35
Zerimar Nyliram

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Thanks, everybody.

 

Man, it sucks that my judgment is so bad. Even when everything seems perfect and off to a great start, I can never tell when something is missing on her end. It's very disheartening.



#36
Brando

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It's not your judgment, necessarily. It may have been great, but just not great enough to last. There's nothing wrong with that.

I can think of one girl. I'm not exactly Casanova, but I had some situations where women wanted romantic relationships and I didn't, and had women who I went on a few dates with and everything seemed great, but it just didn't work.
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#37
Destiny Skywalker

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Thanks, everybody.
 
Man, it sucks that my judgment is so bad. Even when everything seems perfect and off to a great start, I can never tell when something is missing on her end. It's very disheartening.

Don't beat yourself up. Honestly, I think it may have taken her awhile to figure it out. Sometimes when you meet someone new, it's exciting and invigorating. Then after the newness wears off, you start seeing things you didn't notice right away, and sometimes it's a deal breaker. Sometimes it's not.

Also, I hate the "don't look, love will find you when you least expect it" tripe. You should always be open to meeting and experiencing new people that come into your life. The trick is to realize everyone has their own life going on and not to expect anything from someone you just met. Maybe they'll turn out to be your best friend, maybe you'll never see each other again.

#38
Odine

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Thanks, everybody.
 
Man, it sucks that my judgment is so bad. Even when everything seems perfect and off to a great start, I can never tell when something is missing on her end. It's very disheartening.

Don't beat yourself up. Honestly, I think it may have taken her awhile to figure it out. Sometimes when you meet someone new, it's exciting and invigorating. Then after the newness wears off, you start seeing things you didn't notice right away, and sometimes it's a deal breaker. Sometimes it's not.

Also, I hate the "don't look, love will find you when you least expect it" tripe. You should always be open to meeting and experiencing new people that come into your life. The trick is to realize everyone has their own life going on and not to expect anything from someone you just met. Maybe they'll turn out to be your best friend, maybe you'll never see each other again.
Yeah, I didn't mean don't be open and available for love.

There is a massive difference between being open and willing to let love into your life and actively trying to pursue it and pin it on the first to best person who makes a sideways glance.

You can't decide you want to be in love and go shopping for people in an attempt to find it. That's what I meant by don't look for it.

Edited by Odine, 10 August 2018 - 01:55 AM.


#39
Iceheart

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You can't decide you want to be in love and go shopping for people in an attempt to find it. That's what I meant by don't look for it.

 

... that's exactly how people find love in this day and age, though. You join Tinder / OKCupid / Plenty of Fish / eHarmony / Farmers Only, and then you go on an ass ton of dates with randos until you find someone you like to date and then fall in love with and yadda yadda (or yadda yadda and then fall in love).



#40
Brando

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Yeah, the idea that you shouldn't look for love was maybe relevant at one point, but I don't believe it.

People have been looking and succeeding forever. From arranged marriages, to matchmakers, to friends setting up blind dates, classified ads, dating sites, etc.

I wasn't looking for anything when my wife and I started a relationship. But I have several friends who were looking and using dating sites or blind dates and have great marriages.

#41
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My addition to the looking for love / dont look for love thing is that I think whether we are looking or not we probably still miss opportunity due to an idea we hold about what we want or need. Granted again, my experience is just one, but how it became only one is actually self-depreciating in a Peter Panish oh the cleverness of me kind of way... if you dont get that, Peter thought he was awesome for getting his shadow back, but Wendy did the work.

See, in high school I started to come to terms with horrible things in my childhood and other bullied issues from middle school because of counseling and I suddenly blossomed as they say. Well, look at me, I thought, not just wit any longer. Things were looking up and as such I pranced around (not literally, though perhaps once or twice if someone brought up Kevin Klines pirate king). So I fine tuned who I was going to look for. I loved this certain type: quick wit, take no **** from no one, gloriously dark haired, bright red lipstick... an ideal sorta built by mixing Princess Leia and Mona Lisa Vito. I know that sounds so... mean girls judgmental of me, but it wasnt that way, I was (and hope still am) compassionate, and striving to not be a horrible person.

Its then that I met my bestest friend ever, and after a while she liked me a lot, but she never said anything. She realized I was unavailable, so she went about her way and got herself a boyfriend that actually saw her well... as a girlfriend and not a girl that was a friend. We remained best friends, of course, she just refused to pine for the unavailable. Meanwhile I continued to pine for the unavailable ideal. After that school year passed, and astoundingly I hadnt managed to find Princess Leia, my best friend wrote me a letter. Im not sure what moved my love, whether I unconsciously dropped indicators or she just decided to take a risk, but she basically told me I was a blind dummy and lets explore this relationship. Without her bravery both our lives would be very different today.

I know that all sounds trite or make believe, but its true. Mind you, Im also not saying your best friend is the one (although when you find the one, maybe they should fill that role too). What I am saying, perhaps in a very British problems way of meandering about a point, is that if you have any idea about what you want or need maybe you should shred that idea because you could be standing in the way of your own happiness.

#42
Odine

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You can't decide you want to be in love and go shopping for people in an attempt to find it. That's what I meant by don't look for it.

 

... that's exactly how people find love in this day and age, though. You join Tinder / OKCupid / Plenty of Fish / eHarmony / Farmers Only, and then you go on an ass ton of dates with randos until you find someone you like to date and then fall in love with and yadda yadda (or yadda yadda and then fall in love).

 

Yeah. An ass tonne of randoms first. So you cant buy love. It just happens (sometimes) eventually after meeting lots of different people, you find someone who isn't **** and love can grow if both parties are keen and willing. Kind of my point exactly. 

 

The going online to find people is still the same as going out to a bar to meet people. Nothings changed except the ice can be broken in the virtual before the real. But going online doesn't make finding love easier (though it sure makes getting laid easier...) if it did this thread wouldn't exist.


Edited by Odine, 10 August 2018 - 04:10 PM.


#43
monkeygirl

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I don't think your judgment sucks one bit. You knew there was an issue. If you were blind to that and had chosen 5 women in a row and had the same issue with each-that'd be another story. You had a thing. She isn't sure she wants a thing. How else do you do this?


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#44
Robin

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I agree, MG. I think it took both a measure of bravery and wisdom to recognize there was an issue and put yourself out here like you did, Z.



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