Curated Childhood

[Driver]

I was among the first of my friends to have a kid, but now, many in my circle are doing so, including a lot of you people whom I knew as teenagers, are now pumping them out. There are a lot of things I said I wasn't going to do as a parent, but did. There are things I said I WAS going to do, but changed my mind about.

 

But I wanted to bring something up and see how everyone, parents or not, feel.

 

Obviously, we live in an era where it's a lot harder to let kids roam. There's all sorts of social media complaints about it, on both sides. Kids from previous generations were able to run free and not come home until dark. Now you either have parents too paranoid that the world is more dangerous and don't allow it, or if they do-- odds are their neighbor could call the cops on them for child endangerment.

 

There's also the fact that internet and video games make it a lot harder to leave the house. Even my super rural family members with safe outdoor space don't see their kids playing outside forever, they go out for bit-- but then come in to the warm glow of the iPad.

 

The upside to this era of non-roaming kids is that there is a lot more for them to do in terms of organized activities, specialized camps, after school programs, etc. The level of activities you can have planned for a kid is crazy... but there is a dark side to this.

 

Curating a kid's childhood to the point they are being programmed.

 

I have friends, and friends of friends, who have scheduled their kids to death. Special classes and activities every day, every weekend.

 

Then there's the mom that wants her kid to be cultured, so since the age of four he's been learning classical piano and she takes him to art galleries every weekend.

 

Then there's the superfanboy friends who have assaulted their kid with Star Wars since the day she was born leaving her no choice but to be a giant Star Wars fan. It broke my heart when my kid told me he wasn't into comic books or the X-Men-- but at the same time, good for him for being his own person. Nerd-programming actually bothers me more than anything else.

 

My generation is one of missing father figures and Baby Boom selfishness, and our response has been to helicopter parent and over-do it. Myself being no exception.

 

I've really tried to find some sort of balance with my kid. We make him take some lessons and do some things, but at the same time I don't want to force anything on him and I want him to find his own passions. I like to stay out of his way.

 

But I worry when I don't see passions developing in him. By the time I was my kid's age I was starting to be a story-teller. It manifested in the form of RPGs and pretend play-- but looking back I was doing it. Oliver enjoys playing the bass, and is really good at it-- but he doesn't want to make his own songs or be in a band. If he stopped lessons he wouldn't be heartbroken. He was super into skating but got bored with it.

 

If left to his own devices he'd play video games all day-- and I am NOT going to raise a video game slug. I know too many of those.

 

OR-- am I being silly? I encouraged skateboarding and bass, neither of which is a stable career path. Maybe knowing video game slugs has tainted me-- there's programming and development classes for kids his age. His professional idols are video game reviewers on youtube who make millions. Maybe this is the same as my dad telling me I'd never feed a family if I went to art school.

 

But again-- I don't want to over-curate. On a level playing field, my generation of roaming kids was not consistent in producing contributing members of society so determining my level of life direction is really hard.

 

Obviously, I'm not talking about one issue here, but several. Any opinions?

[Poe Dameron]

Sounds like you're fairly well-balanced as is. You're exposing him to the good stuff, willing to support him if he finds a passion, but not overly pushing him if he doesn't.

 

Video games you do have to be careful about, because pretty much any electronic can become an addiction (why most parents let their kids bring a phone to school is beyond me). You seem to be looking for a way to be cognitively stimulating for your child, but video games tend to serve more to fix the basic stimulation to feed the addiction, but generally don't add much globally to development.

 

You didn't say whether your kid actually was interested in programming or evaluating the games. It's like the difference between a kid that fights other kids in the neighborhood and one that gets a black belt in karate and assists in teaching classes. Those types of things would lead to growth, even if he abandoned them by the time he graduated from high school. But he may not be interested in doing that either. He could just like vegging out in front of the TV and playing the games. I don't know, you'd have to check and see for yourself. Maybe ask him to write a 1,000 word review for every new game you buy him and see if he takes to that. At least if he were doing that, you'd know that he's really thinking about things instead of turning his brain off while he plays.

 

Finally, it's very possible your kid's just going to be, well... normal, and not have an artistic passion that they can make a career out of. It wouldn't be a failing on his part if he just ends up like most of us, gets a degree, and finds a career that fluctuates between fulfilling and moderately tolerable for the next 45 years until retirement. Not everyone has a calling and kids pick up and drop hobbies all the time. Maybe he'll find something and chase it in college. My basic point is, all you can really do is present options which you seem to be doing.

[Odine]

Also I wouldn't worry too much about the gaming. I played a lot when I was a tween/teen but pretty much gave up by the end of high school in favour of other pursuits. All through my twenties I didn't play any games and have only gotten back into it since I settled down a bit more at 30. Now gaming is a favorite past time again.

I would say restrict the hours he can play a day though.. Like only in the evenings or whatever. It sucks that he can't roam, cause from the age of 13 or so I would leave house all day (on the weekends) go visit friends, go into the city or whatever and only come back for dinner. But like you say, that's not safe anymore.

 

I played guitar when I was a teenager but had no interest in starting a band then, either. A lot of that had to do with confidence and figuring out what music I really liked, and how to play well enough. And really I was just happy jamming in my room. Again it was only when in my twenties that I got a band together and gave being a musician a crack.

 

I always liked drawing and did that on and off throughout my childhood and now it's what I do with my life. But I had no idea it would even be a thing when I was a teenager.

 

Point is, kids shouldn't be under pressure to find their passion or figure themselves out, or have a career plan and days filled with scripted activities. That shit is good every once and a while.. But if there is a passion inside your kid it will find it's way out naturally.

 

All I know is being a teenager is supposed to be shitty and boring. And teenagers are supposed to be disinterested and jaded and hormonal. All that life stuff will sort itself out if you keep on being a rad dad and stable force In his life. An it's cool you take an interest in what he does. That will mean the world.

[Driver]

Video games you do have to be careful about, because pretty much any electronic can become an addiction (why most parents let their kids bring a phone to school is beyond me). You seem to be looking for a way to be cognitively stimulating for your child, but video games tend to serve more to fix the basic stimulation to feed the addiction, but generally don't add much globally to development.

Letting him have a phone was a long and drawn out thing-- ultimately we decided to do it because it's the modern world and eventually he's going to have one. If I denied him until he was old enough to have one, he'd get it and run wild and show his junk to the internet. I figured letting him have one now, while he still hasn't realized he can get away with stuff, I can make sure he knows how to use it responsibly. He isn't allowed much social media, but having it has been great for him as a responsibility test. We only just now, after a year, let him take it to school-- but it stays in his bag and off until school is out. And we're doing that because we have also started to let him roam a little-- I'm now meeting him two blocks from school instead of at the front door. We also are letting him stay home alone when making quick runs to the store or bank. Having the phone lets everyone feel a bit better.

 

It's been a great tool to give him some independence in the helicopter age.

 

But yeah-- it's addicting. It's been banished from the dinner table.

 

You didn't say whether your kid actually was interested in programming or evaluating the games. It's like the difference between a kid that fights other kids in the neighborhood and one that gets a black belt in karate and assists in teaching classes. Those types of things would lead to growth, even if he abandoned them by the time he graduated from high school. But he may not be interested in doing that either. He could just like vegging out in front of the TV and playing the games. I don't know, you'd have to check and see for yourself. Maybe ask him to write a 1,000 word review for every new game you buy him and see if he takes to that. At least if he were doing that, you'd know that he's using really thinking about things as he plays.

He definitely has an interest-- he's become very proficient with Scratch, a programming language designed for kids. But he certainly also zones out just playing too though. To be fair, it may not be different from me watching/reading comics and movies as tax-write off research as a writer.

 

again though-- like you said. It can be addicting. It's very easy to get wrapped up in screentime.

 

Finally, it's very possible your kid's just going to be, well... normal, and not have an artistic passion that they can make a career out of. It wouldn't be a failing on his part if he just ends up like most of us, gets a degree, and finds a career that fluctuates between fulfilling and moderately tolerable for the next 45 years until retirement. Not everyone has a calling and kids pick up and drop hobbies all the time. Maybe he'll find something and chase it in college. My basic point is, all you can really do is present options which you seem to be doing.

I just have one too many no-job video game slugs in the family, so video gaming is a trigger. It's also something I have to be careful of myself-- I get obsessed with games way too easily. I only let myself play them after finishing a project.

 

But yeah, for sure, I'm totally fine with normal.

 

I actually meant to say that initially, that in addition to curating a childhood, I know far too many people raising beautiful special snowflakes. I certainly don't want to give him a sense of entitlement. But I can see how it happens. I grew up pretty poor, and my kid wants for nothing. I don't spoil him, but I'm ready to drop $2k on a 2 week summer programming camp because I never had opportunities like that.

 

I need to find balance here too. I make him give cash to homeless people every chance I get!

[Pong Messiah]

Regarding video games: if a kid's interest extends well beyond just playing them, but into how they are made, how they relate to other titles and the form itself, their aesthetic and technical attributes, how they are received culturally, etc... it's different than being a video game slug.

 

A lot of people who get really, really good at what they do are obsessive about it, and to others who don't have the interest or can't relate to having "the bug" for anything, it might seem like there's something wrong going on upstairs, but that's not necessarily the case.

 

Now, if somebody just comes home from work or school everyday, puts on the headset, and plays CoD for 6-8 hours straight every day and nothing else (like a former roommate of mine), I'd say yeah, sure, that's sluggy behavior.

[The Choc]

This is less to do with your kid and more to do with the whole thing about planned activities, playdates and all that.

 

The biggest problem is that when kids don't just go out their front door and play with whoever else is out there with no parents around is that they don't ever figure out how to deal with problems with their peers. When you just go out and play and there are a group of kids, you may have a disagreement about what you want to do. This has to be worked out somehow. One kid may be a jerk, this has to be worked out. Hell, a kid may get hurt while playing and the other kids have to figure out how to deal with this "emergency" on their own.

 

When you go to a planned activity none of this happens. You are going to a certain place, at a certain time to do a certain thing and there are no disagreements about this. That's why you are there. If some issue arises, the authority figure handles it immediately. Kids don't learn how to function in a group. Leaders don't emerge because the adult who is there is the leader. Kids who may be good at finding compromises between different groups don't emerge, because the adult just decides for them.

[Driver]

The biggest problem is that when kids don't just go out their front door and play with whoever else is out there with no parents around is that they don't ever figure out how to deal with problems with their peers. When you just go out and play and there are a group of kids, you may have a disagreement about what you want to do. This has to be worked out somehow. One kid may be a jerk, this has to be worked out. Hell, a kid may get hurt while playing and the other kids have to figure out how to deal with this "emergency" on their own.

No lie-- this is what I have personally found to be the hardest part of parenting. Example-- yesterday after school my kid had a meet-up with a couple friends online on a private Minecraft server. I let him use my computer and after an hour I came out to the office to get something and I found him sitting and crying in a corner. Apparently the other two kids ganged up on him (in the game) and were laughing at him via speakerphone.

 

He was crushed.

 

I know that's life and everyone has to learn to wrangle shitty friends. Getting your feelings hurt happens. But you know-- part of me wants to go up to this kid's dad after school and tell him his kid is an asshole. Or skip the middle man and just tell the kid he's an asshole.

 

Obviously, I can't do that-- but it's hard not to.

[Poe Dameron]

If I denied him until he was old enough to have one, he'd get it and run wild and show his junk to the internet.

 

I've never really believed in the theory that delaying kids leads to them "going wild" when they finally get to do stuff. I mean, it happens, but I usually think it's a positive to be more cognitively developed as possible when you start dipping your toes into potentially harmful stuff.

 

Of course, this is the first time naked selfies has been a part of it. Usually it's straight-up sex and alcohol/drugs.

 

Anyway, I wasn't saying not to let him have a phone at all until he's older (though a non-smart phone would give you pretty much all the benefits you listed without most of the negatives). I pretty much just meant school. I believe your kid's in middle school, and they probably do a good job of keeping them off their phones there so keeping it off and his his backpack is easy enough to do. But high schools find it nearly impossible. You'd be shocked how blatantly students there text, listen to music, play video games in class, and copy each other's work with pictures of other students' papers and look at the teacher in annoyance when told to put it away.

 

I tend to think that school should be a safe zone AWAY from electronics in the same way that it's been banished from your dinner table. Yeah, some classes it will be necessary (including some programming classes), but for the most part it's best if they have a portion of their day disconnected from their texts and various other distractions.

 

I'll get off my soapbox now.

 

 

 

He definitely has an interest-- he's become very proficient with Scratch, a programming language designed for kids. But he certainly also zones out just playing too though. To be fair, it may not be different from me watching/reading comics and movies as tax-write off research as a writer.

 

Yeah, that seems positive to me. I understand your concerns, and you should definitely monitor his time playing, but as long as he's flexing creative muscles, using skills and logic, and is actually invested in something, I'd mark this as a good sign.

 

Is it worth dropping $2,000 on a two week course? Well, if it's not a hardship for you, then I don't see why not. I mean, my parents sent me on a two-week baseball camp once that probably wasn't too much cheaper and we were hardly rich. I'm sure he'll get more lifetime skills out of learning to program than I did out of learning to hit a ball slightly better (though I'm not sure how much programming can really be learned in only two weeks). My niece's gymnastics camp costs about $100 a day when she comes to visit (though in fairness, her grandma really does spoiler her first grandchild when she's down here). I'd say that's more of a judgement call based on whether you think you've been coming close to spoiling him lately otherwise and this big ticket item is just too much right now.

[Driver]

I agree-- the GOIN WILD theory isn't all that realistic... but I still think that me teaching him to use it and be responsible at an age where he'll listen to me as opposed to when he'll do the opposite just because is probably smart.

 

He starts middle school next year, and they are pretty strict about the phones as an only after-school allowed situation.

 

I also really like the "find my iPhone" feature to be able to see where he is. His mom and I have his phone totally big-brother'ed out. A fact he'll be unaware of once he's old enough to realize he can change his passwords to ones we don't know.

[Cerina]

I have a LOT to say about this. But no time at the moment.

 

We're slowly but surely becoming radical unschoolers. Basically it means that we let Noah run his own life. He's in the driver's seat and we're here as guides, mentors, and support. We trust him to make sound decisions (with guidance) but we aren't trying to control him. We want him to have autonomy and agency.

 

We do a lot activities, but only the ones Noah chooses and asks for. If and when he wants to stop something, we do (with a few exceptions.)

 

We also don't regulate or control many other parts of his life not just extracurriculars and academics. We want him to live an authentic life - free to be who he is and not who we want him to be.

[Driver]

The age he is now is a great one because they are curious. But what about when he is a preteen/teen. At what point do you intercede if he begins to lack the self-motivation to direct himself?

[Cerina]

Why would someone who's spent their life being self-directed suddenly stop? Do you think it's a natural part of development to stop or do you think it gets trained out of them after over a decade of being forced into activities, studies, and other things they did not choose?

 

Teens and preteens are plenty motivated, but they're usually rebelling against what they're "supposed" to be doing in an effort to push for some independence and autonomy. But frankly, I don't buy into the idea that my child is naturally going to be lazy. Plus, I know many families doing the same and their teens are not aging any issues either. People are naturally driven to learn and do. The problem is when other people project their own ideas of what someone is supposed to be doing instead of allowing that person to be authentic.

[Driver]

I think that's a little idealistic. I'm not saying IT WILL HAPPEN, but I think there's more of a chance of it that you think. When I was 12 I was in acting classes, I skateboarded constantly, I filled sketchbooks with art and I wrote a lot of RPG stories for my friends.

 

When I was 15 I had quit doing all of those things in favor of skipping school, sleeping in, and reading comic books.

 

It didn't last forever, by the end of high school I had new passions and interests, but it did happen.

 

I'll use my kid as an example-- like I said, if left completely to his own devices I don't trust that he wouldn't just play video games all the time.

[Cerina]

Believe it or not, it's a common fear. But, like I said, I know many unschoolers and I can't think of a single one who doesn't do anything but play video games all day. There are days, weeks even, where it seems like all Noah does is play video games or watch TV all day, but he always puts them down. And he usually comes out of it with a new passion.

 

As for your example of from your youth, were you ever completely allowed to run your own life? Or were you also stuck in a building all day with hundreds of people your own age having all your time and actions scheduled and assigned by adults in charge? But regardless, you snapped out of it, and eventually found your passion. A passion that you've worked hard on and have found success in. I don't expect my kids to be productive every single day. That won't change as they age. I trust that they'll find something to drive their adult lives. I mean really, how many people do you know who never grew up and took charge of their own lives? How many were truly happy with the lack of independence?

 

The reality of unschooling is far far removed from the fear and misunderstanding that most people have.

[Destiny Skywalker]

You know what I struggle with the most? It seems like there are no kids Quinn's age in our neighborhood. It was built in 2005 so I think a bunch of people bought high and can't afford to sell them for a loss still (although we're almost back up there). So I think there's just not enough turnover yet for new families to move in. The kids are a few years older and they are total a-holes. They are also super weird and socially inept. Quinn is super outgoing, though. But I do like how the parents let the kids roam the neighborhood without being up their butt. Quinn is only 4, so she's not there yet, but I'm glad no one is going to call the cops on us for letting her cross the street.

 

I feel strongly about not forcing her into activities she doesn't want to do. We also just don't have a lot of time and energy for that. Seriously, that's stay at home suburban mom crap. You know what they really want? A break from their kids, but they can't admit it. That said, my kids are total couch potatoes. My husband is, too. They're happy to go out and do stuff when I make everyone go do something, but they default to the magical glowing box of light so easily. I have Quinn in an extracurricular music and soccer class at school because she likes it and it's good for her, and it's one less activity I have to shuttle her to.

 

We're talking about putting the kids in an activity. The vision therapy people suggested gymnastics for Ethan to develop his hand-eye coordination, and I want Quinn to learn how to swim (and she enjoys it). But the commitment for toddler gymnastics is ridiculous. 13 weeks at a time, and only one "make up" per session. Wtf, he's 2. This isn't semi-pro. So we've put it off because I don't want to make that commitment.

[Driver]

Believe it or not, it's a common fear. But, like I said, I know many unschoolers and I can't think of a single one who doesn't do anything but play video games all day. There are days, weeks even, where it seems like all Noah does is play video games or watch TV all day, but he always puts them down. And he usually comes out of it with a new passion.

 

As for your example of from your youth, were you ever completely allowed to run your own life? Or were you also stuck in a building all day with hundreds of people your own age having all your time and actions scheduled and assigned by adults in charge? But regardless, you snapped out of it, and eventually found your passion. A passion that you've worked hard on and have found success in. I don't expect my kids to be productive every single day. That won't change as they age. I trust that they'll find something to drive their adult lives. I mean really, how many people do you know who never grew up and took charge of their own lives? How many were truly happy with the lack of independence?

 

The reality of unschooling is far far removed from the fear and misunderstanding that most people have.

 

I hear you-- I'm not challenging unschooling at all. In fact, I wish it was feasible for us to do sometimes-- like right now as I reach my utter limit with public school bullcrap.

 

And I also don't deny that Noah is clearly a born-scientist.

 

This isn't about your method-- this is about the fact that a LOT of teenagers have a drop out phase, whether its rebelling, boredom, or something else. There's been countless movies, songs, books and real life frustrations about OMG TEENAGERS ARE THE WORST for you to say it's not a possibility.

 

Again-- not about your method-- I'm just curious with your method what would have to happen for you to take charge and make him do something. Like, what if at 15 he gets a girlfriend and loses interest in all things not that girlfriend.

 

Minimal intervention isn't fullproof. I'm just curious when you'd get worried and step in.

 

You know what I struggle with the most? It seems like there are no kids Quinn's age in our neighborhood. It was built in 2005 so I think a bunch of people bought high and can't afford to sell them for a loss still (although we're almost back up there). So I think there's just not enough turnover yet for new families to move in. The kids are a few years older and they are total a-holes. They are also super weird and socially inept. Quinn is super outgoing, though. But I do like how the parents let the kids roam the neighborhood without being up their butt. Quinn is only 4, so she's not there yet, but I'm glad no one is going to call the cops on us for letting her cross the street.

We have this problem somewhat too. He's got plenty of friends at school, but he's never been around a lot of kids outside of school. He's jealous of his cousins who have grown up in a big family. Now that he and his friends have phones, I am telling him to plan more playdates. Interaction and playing with kids is something I'm not worried about making sure he does.

[The Kurgan]

Back in the 1980s, high profile child abduction cases led to more parents bringing their kids indoors, or at least under much more stringent supervision.
Today, high profile social service interventions over frivolous reports are preventing more parents from letting their kids outside of the house to "free range", so to speak.

Thing is, I wonder how much both were, to some extent at least, just media hype. Yes, they happened, and could result in a parent's worst nightmare coming to pass. But on the grand scheme of things, how common were they?

[Destiny Skywalker]

Statistically, child abductions happen much less often than they did 30-40 years ago. But is that because we're keeping kids inside? Personally, I don't think so, I think we do a (slightly) better job of identifying crazies, and I think it's harder to get away with because of how high-profile it is. You know the media is going to be all over that shit, and your face or license plate is going to be all over the regional, if not national news.

[Driver]

I think that bad shit happening comes and goes-- crazy kid killers have always been out there. But the internet and a ratings-driven media sensationalizes and fear mongers.

 

I think the internet probably gives crazy people ideas, and a lot of sociopaths like attention, so they see one crazy get the news and they decide hey I wanna eat kids too!"

 

Living in LA, I'm honestly mostly worried about my kid getting hit by a car more than getting kidnapped.

[Cerina]

 

Believe it or not, it's a common fear. But, like I said, I know many unschoolers and I can't think of a single one who doesn't do anything but play video games all day. There are days, weeks even, where it seems like all Noah does is play video games or watch TV all day, but he always puts them down. And he usually comes out of it with a new passion.

 

As for your example of from your youth, were you ever completely allowed to run your own life? Or were you also stuck in a building all day with hundreds of people your own age having all your time and actions scheduled and assigned by adults in charge? But regardless, you snapped out of it, and eventually found your passion. A passion that you've worked hard on and have found success in. I don't expect my kids to be productive every single day. That won't change as they age. I trust that they'll find something to drive their adult lives. I mean really, how many people do you know who never grew up and took charge of their own lives? How many were truly happy with the lack of independence?

 

The reality of unschooling is far far removed from the fear and misunderstanding that most people have.

 

I hear you-- I'm not challenging unschooling at all. In fact, I wish it was feasible for us to do sometimes-- like right now as I reach my utter limit with public school bullcrap.

 

And I also don't deny that Noah is clearly a born-scientist.

 

This isn't about your method-- this is about the fact that a LOT of teenagers have a drop out phase, whether its rebelling, boredom, or something else. There's been countless movies, songs, books and real life frustrations about OMG TEENAGERS ARE THE WORST for you to say it's not a possibility.

 

Again-- not about your method-- I'm just curious with your method what would have to happen for you to take charge and make him do something. Like, what if at 15 he gets a girlfriend and loses interest in all things not that girlfriend.

 

Minimal intervention isn't fullproof. I'm just curious when you'd get worried and step in.

My goal is not to. I know it sounds strange. I get what you're saying though. A lot of adolescents do go underground in various ways for various reasons, but it's rarely permanent. If it happens in 6-10 years, then I'm hoping I'll be able to keep the fear at bay and trust him. I think pulling away a bit is a normal part of human development. I don't plan on kicking him to the curb the day he turns 18 either. So I'm confident he'll still be a productive adult. If it takes until he's 20, oh well. I'm not one to think my parenting has an expiration date. Not that I'm planning on supporting him forever either. Basically, I'll cross that bridge when and if we get there.

 

This is something I'm currently struggling with, but I really want to adopt the mindset that I'm nurturing a child, not a future adult. I mean, obviously, I am raising a future adult, but I think focusing on who he is now without expectations for the future should be my priority. Otherwise I think parents fall into the trap of expecting too much too soon. I constantly remind myself (and Trevor) that Noah is still a young child and though we hope to raise him to be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent he's only capable of so much right now. He's a work in progress so to speak.

[Driver]

I don't know if you're dodging the spirit of my question, or if I'm not asking it properly, but I think I'm getting frustrated. I get your point, and your method--

 

But something doesn't compute for me. This is like the time I was talking about being frustrated with his homework and you questioned why I was helping him when it was HIS homework and made me feel like I was doing something wrong for not just walking away while my kid is crying as he's into his third hour of his homework and not getting it.

 

I know you aren't kid-comparing or anything, but when I say if I left my kid to his own devices he'd just play video games all day so I feel the need to direct him somewhat, I feel like you think I'm not doing the right thing. Maybe I'm projecting.

 

Maybe I'm worked up because my kid has problems managing some aspects of life and when I ask you how you'd handle it you say that it's not a problem that exists... I don't know. That's frustrating.

 

Not every plan work for every kid obviously but I have the constant fear I'm failing my kid who is clearly not a born academic.

[Destiny Skywalker]

I never had help with homework growing up. My parents would answer a question, maybe, about what a word meant, but that was the extent of it. But I hear people my age saying their parents had to sit there and make them do their homework, or help them with it. I want my kids to succeed, but they're going to have to be responsible for their own success, because the moment I'm not there, they'll be on their own. I can't pass tests for them, I can't go to work for them.

 

That said, I think Quinn is going to struggle more academically than I did, and it's going to be hard to remind myself to help and teach and not do things for her. I'm in the rare position of probably being able to help her with any level of math, science, or language that she needs. With my luck, she'll be an artist and I can't draw anything better than a stick figure.

 

Does Oliver truly struggle academically, or is it a matter of focus? My husband is very intelligent, but he struggled academically growing up. ADHD diagnosis, held back a grade, etc. Looking back, he thinks he just wasn't interested. Somehow, he turned out ok. He's very driven now, and I don't know what got him there. I think he needs people to depend on him for it to matter. He doesn't do it for himself, if that makes any sense.

[Driver]

It's a focus thing, he's ADHD but I don't feel right medicating it until he's old enough to understand and be a part of the decision to do so. And I'm not saying I do his homework for him, but if he wasn't focused during the instruction, or even if he was but doesn't recall it, he gets frustrated. He also gets very impatient and starts to just guess with fill in the blanks.

 

I don't have to sit there and tell him what to do, but sometimes I have to either get him to calm down and have him explain to me how to do the work, which often reminds him how to do it-- or if he's really at a loss I'll work through a problem with him to help him get it, then leave him to do the rest on his own.

 

I check his homework frequently-- not so make sure it is all done correctly, but to make sure that he is actually putting in the effort to do it and not rushing through it.

[Cerina]

I don't know if you're dodging the spirit of my question, or if I'm not asking it properly, but I think I'm getting frustrated. I get your point, and your method--

 

But something doesn't compute for me. This is like the time I was talking about being frustrated with his homework and you questioned why I was helping him when it was HIS homework and made me feel like I was doing something wrong for not just walking away while my kid is crying as he's into his third hour of his homework and not getting it.

 

I know you aren't kid-comparing or anything, but when I say if I left my kid to his own devices he'd just play video games all day so I feel the need to direct him somewhat, I feel like you think I'm not doing the right thing. Maybe I'm projecting.

 

Maybe I'm worked up because my kid has problems managing some aspects of life and when I ask you how you'd handle it you say that it's not a problem that exists... I don't know. That's frustrating.

 

Not every plan work for every kid obviously but I have the constant fear I'm failing my kid who is clearly not a born academic.

Ok. I'm going to tackle this in the morning. But the video game thing is literally something I've read from other parents dozens of times. I'm going to try to find some blog posts I've read about it that explained things pretty well. I don't think you're doing anything wrong, but I do think you're worrying too much and letting (unnecessary) fears get to you. I know that doesn't help you right now. I know a lot of parental anxiety comes from worries about poor academic performance and poor executive functioning. I don't know that I can offer advice about that, because I've made a conscious decision not value academics over other aspects of life. To me, academics have no more intrinsic value than any other interest, because it's interest that drives action. Academic success doesn't guarantee adult success (no matter how you measure success), and it definitely doesn't guarantee happiness or satisfaction.

 

What other things is he having trouble with?

 

Homework in elementary is stupid, btw. It's been proven to be pointless academically and potentially damaging emotionally.

[Odine]

I don't know if you're dodging the spirit of my question, or if I'm not asking it properly, but I think I'm getting frustrated. I get your point, and your method--

 

But something doesn't compute for me. This is like the time I was talking about being frustrated with his homework and you questioned why I was helping him when it was HIS homework and made me feel like I was doing something wrong for not just walking away while my kid is crying as he's into his third hour of his homework and not getting it.

 

I know you aren't kid-comparing or anything, but when I say if I left my kid to his own devices he'd just play video games all day so I feel the need to direct him somewhat, I feel like you think I'm not doing the right thing. Maybe I'm projecting.

 

Maybe I'm worked up because my kid has problems managing some aspects of life and when I ask you how you'd handle it you say that it's not a problem that exists... I don't know. That's frustrating.

 

Not every plan work for every kid obviously but I have the constant fear I'm failing my kid who is clearly not a born academic.

The fact you're even stressing about this, and have started a thread at nightly asking for advice, suggests to me you're doing a fine job as a parent. I feel like people who wouldn't worry about this stuff might be seeing things with rose tinted glasses.

 

As for academia.. Well being good at it might make life a little easier or smoother. But being stoked on coming out of the sausage factory the right shape never made much sense to me. And still kind of doesn't though I see the advantages.

 

How old is your son?