Not Dating Somebody Because of How They Choose to Appear

[Pong Messiah]

So I think everybody can agree that people are for the most part attracted to what they are attracted to, and this includes traits that can't be helped.

 

There are a ton of inherent things that can be dealbreakers: facial symmetry and shape, height, complexion, bone structure, ass/weener/bewb dimensions, hairline, jawline, etc. (I'm sure there are way more); while you personally might call some of these "superficial" or "unimportant," or whatever, you're not the person making the dating choices here, and generally speaking we forgive people for "liking what they like."

 

But what about being turned off to the point of "dealbreaker!" by traits that are (at least for the most part) personal choices?

 

1. Specific clothing (fedora, religious garb)
2. Smoking status (duh)
3. Weight (shut up, people can control this to at least some extent)
4. Not shaving armpits/legs (primarily women ofc)
5. Tattoos and piercings (is it sexy or is it "self-mutilation")
6. Unnatural hair coloring (personal statement or a cry for attention?)
7. Being over X age and not "dressing like a grownup" (primarily men; I'm sure there's a better term for this)

As with the inherent traits, these are just things I can think of off the top of my head that I've heard people go on about. But as far as it being simiply "liking what you like," the issue doesn't appear to be as settled.

 

Do you think that losing interest in a person who is otherwise interesting and attractive to you if they display one of the above "chosen traits" (or a similar one that isn't listed) makes you shallow/superficial/etc... or is it common sense to write off people with acquired appearances you don't like just as you would inherent appearances?

 

[Odine]

yes

[Pong Messiah]

Elaborate please? And are there any "acquired appearances" you'd think somebody especially shallow for viewing as a dealbreaker?

 

 

(also, do you think people are shallow/superficial in regards to their inherent appearance?)

[Destiny Skywalker]

I think I've always taken things on a case-by-case basis, and I dated a lot when I was younger. To me, the only dealbreaker on that list is smoking. And yes, that is because I think people who smoke are morons. And it smells awful. Before I started dating my husband, one of his friends hit on me and it was NO WAY because he had terrible breath. Otherwise an extremely charming guy who I consider a good friend now, but I sure as hell wasn't going to make out with him with that breath. Somehow he dated a lot of girls who were willing to overlook it, but I just couldn't do it. His new wife made him go to a dentist and get that fixed. That's real love.

 

I would probably also add extreme obesity. If you weigh 500 lbs, I'm not going to be attracted to you. Sorry. I can take a little bit of pudge (although, have you seen my husband?), but not gross negligence. To me, that means you are either incredibly lazy or love food more than you love yourself, or other people.

[Pong Messiah]

I think I've always taken things on a case-by-case basis, and I dated a lot when I was younger. To me, the only dealbreaker on that list is smoking. And yes, that is because I think people who smoke are morons. And it smells awful. Before I started dating my husband, one of his friends hit on me and it was NO WAY because he had terrible breath. Otherwise an extremely charming guy who I consider a good friend now, but I sure as hell wasn't going to make out with him with that breath. Somehow he dated a lot of girls who were willing to overlook it, but I just couldn't do it. His new wife made him go to a dentist and get that fixed. That's real love.

 

I would probably also add extreme obesity. If you weigh 500 lbs, I'm not going to be attracted to you. Sorry. I can take a little bit of pudge (although, have you seen my husband?), but not gross negligence. To me, that means you are either incredibly lazy or love food more than you love yourself, or other people.

Q: that dude smoked so much it affected his teeth/breath permanently?!?

 

Agreed on extreme obesity, too. After a certain point, it seems more like just giving up on life than a "lifestyle choice."

[Guest]

I think that all of those are valid. You aren't obligated to date anyone, and each of those reflects on personality.

 

I wouldn't ever date, marry or knowingly befriend a Phish fan. That isn't shallow, it's intelligent and shows that I care about myself enough to use soap.

[The Kurgan]

Lookist. Check your privilege.

[Burt]

I make a reasonable effort to take care of myself, I would expect a mate to do the same. A gal not brushing her teeth was a dealbreaker for me. She was cute otherwise, but I always liked capable, independent women. I don't want to be the dad to a significant other.

[Guest]

1. Specific clothing (fedora, religious garb)
2. Smoking status (duh)
3. Weight (shut up, people can control this to at least some extent)
4. Not shaving armpits/legs (primarily women ofc)
5. Tattoos and piercings (is it sexy or is it "self-mutilation")
6. Unnatural hair coloring (personal statement or a cry for attention?)
7. Being over X age and not "dressing like a grownup" (primarily men; I'm sure there's a better term for this)

1. I have no interest in dating someone from another religion. It's hard enough to be in a relationship without that major of a difference, and religions with specific clothing requirements have the least in common with mine.
2. If I wanted to date an ashtray, I would.
3. I'm not going to date a whale or someone who's going to break when she sneezes.
4. If I wanted to date a hippie, I'd just kill myself and be done with it.
5. I find tattoos to be ugly. Same with most piercings. Don't care about self mutilation, they're just ugly.
6. I like honest people. Not into dye.
7. I know plenty of adult women who dress like teenage girls and they're even more pathetic than men who dress like teenage boys and both show extreme childish behavior in other areas.

[Pong Messiah]

I make a reasonable effort to take care of myself, I would expect a mate to do the same. A gal not brushing her teeth was a dealbreaker for me. She was cute otherwise, but I always liked capable, independent women. I don't want to be the dad to a significant other.

If you can tell from somebody's appearance that they don't brush their teeth, that screams "mental issues leading to physical issues." Good call.

 

• I have no interest in dating someone from another religion. It's hard enough to be in a relationship without that major of a difference, and religions with specific clothing requirements have the least in common with mine. Fedora is a religious requirement for some people?
• If I wanted to date an ashtray, I would. Oh burn! (get it?)
• I'm not going to date a whale or someone who's going to break when she sneezes. Body shamer
• If I wanted to date a hippie, I'd just kill myself and be done with it. Rude.
• I find tattoos to be ugly. Same with most piercings. Don't care about self mutilation, they're just ugly. Agreed most of the time. Have seen some really amazing tattoos and piercings though, too. Including full sleeves and the more extreme stuff.
• I like honest people. Not into dye. More like "lie," am I right?
• I know plenty of adult women who dress like teenage girls and they're even more pathetic than men who dress like teenage boys and both show extreme childish behavior in other areas. True. There is a gender difference for me, though: a soccer mom dressed like a teen is usually sad, a full grown man dressed as a teen is pathetic and/or creepy.

By the way, I started this thread cause some lady I have always found attractive was wearing a sleeveless shirt today and it became obvious very quickly that she has way more underarm hair than me. Shouldn't have been a surprise, as she's full Italian and i'm half Leprechaun, but still kinda made my eyes pop out... and if I'm being completely honest, it was an instant turn-off.

 

Anyway, always prided myself on being laissez-faire about that sorta thing -- being turned off by women not shaving was only an issue for other guys -- you know, superficial, backward, patriarch-informed frat boys -- not enlightened, radiant folk like me. Plus, I have dated a few women who didn't shave and it didn't bother me one bit. But now that I think back, they were blondes, so maybe it didn't count? Maybe the dirty, hairy truth is that I was giving myself too much credit for being progressive and open-minded in this regard.

 

Oh well, I like what I like, even if I'm not proud of it.

 

[Ms. Spam]

Some deal breakers for me in the past were bad breath due to smoking. A animal hater - like really thought of an animal as this thing to be owned. He left his dog chained outside in the heat. Overly opinionated and had an answer for everything. And lastly I could not accommodate a giant dick literally. Vagina's are stretchy but not meant to be poked to death into beyond the uterus.

[Destiny Skywalker]

 

 

I think I've always taken things on a case-by-case basis, and I dated a lot when I was younger. To me, the only dealbreaker on that list is smoking. And yes, that is because I think people who smoke are morons. And it smells awful. Before I started dating my husband, one of his friends hit on me and it was NO WAY because he had terrible breath. Otherwise an extremely charming guy who I consider a good friend now, but I sure as hell wasn't going to make out with him with that breath. Somehow he dated a lot of girls who were willing to overlook it, but I just couldn't do it. His new wife made him go to a dentist and get that fixed. That's real love.

 

I would probably also add extreme obesity. If you weigh 500 lbs, I'm not going to be attracted to you. Sorry. I can take a little bit of pudge (although, have you seen my husband?), but not gross negligence. To me, that means you are either incredibly lazy or love food more than you love yourself, or other people.

Q: that dude smoked so much it affected his breath?

No, something was up with his teeth. But I can't handle bad breath, whether it be from smoking or some other issue. I think he was also a heavy coffee drinker, which didn't help.

[Odine]

Elaborate please? And are there any "acquired appearances" you'd think somebody especially shallow for viewing as a dealbreaker?

 

 

(also, do you think people are shallow/superficial in regards to their inherent appearance?)

Yes. I mean, there are certain attributes of the fairer sex that I find attractive that the more of those attributes one has the more I'm attracted to them. And some of those things I'm aware are superficial like dress sense and the like. Didn't mean to give such a short answer to your question, but yeah there are deal breakers for me which are superficial and I'm totally aware of that. I also think it's totally normal for people to have superficial appearance based criteria in regards to people they're romantically involved with. It's kind of disingenuous to suggest the opposite IMO cause we all do it.

 

My list is rather long which is why i haven't bothered to go into it.. Not that I actually have a literal list..

[Guest]

The fedora depends on how many jazz albums she owns compared to indie rock. If the hat is worn ironically, we have little in common.

 

My wife doesn't even wear makeup, and I have never been in a relationship with someone who did wear it regularly. I just find it to be unappealing. When I kiss my wife, I like kissing her and not a layer of junk. I realize that it may be offensive, but I probably will not change.

 

My wife is attracted to men with beards, and fortunately I snagged her before they became fashionable, since she is way out of my league. But all of these things are physical signs of personality, so pretending they don't matter is stupid. Maybe some fashion choices can be be forgiven or ignored but if it extends to everything they own, it's probably a sign.

[Odine]

This is probably rather judgemental and offensive but whatever, it's the internet... I can't stand it when women wear Fedoras or Trilbies or pork-pie hats ala Pete Doherty or MJ. Makes all women look like second-rate bar managers who take their shitty job waaay to seriously, love Jaegermeister, and they can't wait to go see Alien Ant Farm play their surprise reunion show. Barf. Why don't you just put on a pin-stripe waistcoat and some bootleg jeans that scuff the pavement while you're at it and we can time travel back to 1998 when time forgot all taste.

[Odine]

Double up.

[Guest]

I don't get why being judgmental is considered a bad thing. We're not talking about refusing to hire a woman because she wears a fedora, so who cares? If anyone is offended by what you said, they need to get over it.

[Guest El Chalupacabra]

So I think everybody can agree that people are for the most part attracted to what they are attracted to, and this includes traits that can't be helped.

 

There are a ton of inherent things that can be dealbreakers: facial symmetry and shape, height, complexion, bone structure, ass/weener/bewb dimensions, hairline, jawline, etc. (I'm sure there are way more); while you personally might call some of these "superficial" or "unimportant," or whatever, you're not the person making the dating choices here, and generally speaking we forgive people for "liking what they like."

 

But what about being turned off to the point of "dealbreaker!" by traits that are (at least for the most part) personal choices?

 

1. Specific clothing (fedora, religious garb)
2. Smoking status (duh)
3. Weight (shut up, people can control this to at least some extent)
4. Not shaving armpits/legs (primarily women ofc)
5. Tattoos and piercings (is it sexy or is it "self-mutilation")
6. Unnatural hair coloring (personal statement or a cry for attention?)
7. Being over X age and not "dressing like a grownup" (primarily men; I'm sure there's a better term for this)

As with the inherent traits, these are just things I can think of off the top of my head that I've heard people go on about. But as far as it being simiply "liking what you like," the issue doesn't appear to be as settled.

 

Do you think that losing interest in a person who is otherwise interesting and attractive to you if they display one of the above "chosen traits" (or a similar one that isn't listed) makes you shallow/superficial/etc... or is it common sense to write off people with acquired appearances you don't like just as you would inherent appearances?

 

Simply put, I think you have the right to date, or not date, someone based on your personal preference. And it really doesn't need to be any more complicated than that.

[Darth Krawlie]

STOP TRIGGERING ME!

 

 

And I can't find an image of it my work won't block, but here's some copypasta that originated from tumbler:

 

Listen up, men. If a fat woman approaches you and wants to have sex with you, YOU HAVE SEX WITH HER. No ifs ands or buts about it. First of all, you should be ****ing honored as **** to have the opportunity to have a sex with a big beautiful goddess.

More importantly, you have to oblige as she says because if you say no, you are actively oppressing her with your bull**** ridiculous standards of beauty and lets face it, what YOU think is beautiful doesn't matter because she can be as fat as she wants. It's HER body, not yours.

By oppressing her with your fatphobic bull**** though, you are likely going to be triggering her and are thus violating her and her identity and by violating her so viciously like that, you are in fact, committing rape.

[Pong Messiah]

Simply put, I think you have the right to date, or not date, someone based on your personal preference. And it really doesn't need to be any more complicated than that.

Totally agree.

 

That said, it's interesting to me that I feel guilty over rating some things as dealbreakers on otherwise highly attractive women (e.g. copious armpit hair), whereas I have taken pride in being icked out and full-on judging otherwise highly attractive women in tacky, oversized sunglasses who carry around those ridiculously overpriced handbags.

 

I mean, with the pit hair, I'm not judging the person as a bad human being, I just found it unattractive -- and I somehow feel awash with guilt for this feeling. Yet I'm actually judging other people for their choices in attire and internally smug-patting myself over my clear superiority.

 

Hypocritical, and there is surely some cultural thing going on: progressive, semi-hippy feminist chick is part of "my tribe" so don't judge her choices; rich bitch is clearly shallow and vapid and a sign of all that is wrong with this world. This isn't something I'm gonna change about myself, ofc, just a weird realization I came to over beverages and hairy underarms.

[Cerina]

Everything listed so far is a perfectly reasonable reason to not be attracted or lose attraction to someone. However, nothing listed would change my feelings towards or attraction to my husband. So make of that what you will.

[Pong Messiah]

He's... a warlock?

[Cerina]

Must be.

[DANA-kin Skywalker]

Pong, I'm kind of disappointed in you. You aren't asking the tough questions! examples:

 

If I find Asian women unattractive, does that make me a racist jerk?

If I only date black men, does that make me a racist jerk?

If I don't find little people attractive, am I mean to people with disabilities?

If I find little people attractive (and aren't one myself) am I wierd?

If I broke it off with a woman because I later found out she is transgendered, am I a homophobe?

[Pong Messiah]

Pong, I'm kind of disappointed in you. You aren't asking the tough questions! examples:

 

If I find Asian women unattractive, does that make me a racist jerk?

If I only date black men, does that make me a racist jerk?

If I don't find little people attractive, am I mean to people with disabilities?

If I find little people attractive (and aren't one myself) am I wierd?

If I broke it off with a woman because I later found out she is transgendered, am I a homophobe?

Those are all inherent traits, though, which I was clear were not on the table about at the beginning of this thread. In my opinion, if you find Asian women unattractive, it could be because you are a racist jerk, it could be just a personal preference. Mostly dependent on your mindset going in, I think.

 

That said, don't take my word for it; some people would argue that no matter how you sweetly you frame it, simply having the generalization in your head that "I tend to find Asian women unattractive" makes you a supra racist ****lord and you should be ashamed of breathing.