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Work Funny: An Essay


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I don’t want to sound too much like I’m bragging, but I’m pretty average. I mean, sure, I’m a little overweight, and a little too handsome, but overall I’m pretty average. The area where I excel, though, is being Work Funny. Being Work Funny is a lot like just being funny, only it only works at your place of employment. It’s similar to being Work Smart, Work Hot, or Work Friends. I think that last one is something everyone can relate to, so let’s start there.

 

Work Friends

 

Work Friends are very similar to real friends, only they only exist at work. The second you hit the door, you say good night and don’t think about each other again. You might have a drink after work once, but it never goes beyond that. You know about each other’s kids and spouses, or video games, or whatever matters to you that you talk about non-stop in a way that would annoy anyone except your closest friends and your Work Friend, who is just happy to talk about something other than work. These are friendships that you want to extend, but never enough to actually make it happen. Eventually one of you will probably leave the company or move to a new area, and you’ll never speak again until you’re being investigated by the Federal Trade Commission for that wacky embezzelment scheme you decided to implement.

 

Work Hot

 

Work Hot is when you see that really attractive person at work. She’s short, blonde, athletic and a great cook, or he’s slightly taller than average, slightly wider than average and has a beard that needs trimming and shaves irregularly. No, wait, that’s a description of my wife, Laura, and I. You can decide which is which. Work Hot is the woman or man at work who just looks better than everyone else. Once you’re away from the forced interaction of work, away from the glaring fluorescent lights and blinding computer monitors, the Work Hot really doesn’t even reach Grocery Store Hot, which I have always found directly linked to the amount of ice cream in the person’s cart. The more ice cream, the more attractive.

 

Work Smart

 

Work Smart is like the know-it-all in elementary school that nobody liked because he always got straight A’s, had the right answer, and smelled like Brussels sprouts. The difference is that as an adult, Work Smart knows all there is to know about work stuff, which makes her a valuable resource. Again, taken out of the work environment, Work Smart goes back to being an annoying know-it-all that can tell you about the space program, why the Democrats are going to win the 2020 election, and the entire discography of Blondie. Away from work you will also notice that Work Smart still smells likes Brussels sprouts, but that’s from hanging out at hipster restauarants.

 

 

Work Funny

 

Jim Carrey used to be funny. Adam Sandler used to be funny. David Spade used to be a guy who hung around a lot of funny people. These are the really funny people. You also know them in your real life, outside of work. Funny people are a blast to be around, they tell good jokes, they don’t take themselves too seriously and they always seem to laughing. Work Funny is different. Work Funny just pulls out the right zinger at the right time, but it works because at work you’re there to talk, you’re there to work. So that joke that was really funny at 2:30 when everyone’s thinking about second lunch isn’t really funny at 7:00 when everyone’s thinking about second dessert. This is where I fit in. I’m not really funny, I don’t tell good jokes. If anything, I tell Dad Jokes. My favorite is: “Where does the king keep his armies? In his sleevies!” Sometimes I just sit and chuckle to myself about that one. But I’m really good at reacting to something with a funny quip no more than 4 times a day. Now, to some people that may seem like an amazing ability, because you still haven’t gotten the joke about the sleevies, and I understand. It’s a sad statement of our modern culture that we don’t really take time for great humor; it’s not your fault. Sleevies is a cutesy way of saying sleeves, so the joke is that armies is a cute way of saying arms. You’re welcome. Now, for those of us with the quick wit to realize that on our own, 4 quips a day is really manageable. Given a typical 8 hour work day, that’s one quip every two hours. When you realize that 80% of our daily productivity takes place in 20% of our time, meaning that the other 6.4 hours a day we’re doing the other 20% of our work, that’s a lot of down time to think about being funny. A real comedian, a Richard Pryor, Robin Williams or Jim Gaffigan could easily come up with 8 really funny quips and probably at least one REALLY good joke in that time frame. They would make people pee their pants in a typical work environment. Work Funny makes people laugh, but there’s rarely urine involved unless someone just had a baby and happened to sneeze while Work Funny was making a joke.

This is me, I’m Work Funny. I come up with motivational slogans like “If you try hard enough, any day can be Monday.” I tell my coworkers that I’m still Jenny from the block. It’s not really funny, but again when you’re thinking about second lunch anything that isn’t TPS reports is hilarious. In fact, just saying TPS reports around anyone in an office environment is funny, as long as they have been alive long enough to watch Office Space. And if they haven’t been around long enough to watch Office Space, why is there a toddler working in your office? You should call Children’s Services.

I enlighten my coworkers with ideas like Work Hot, and Work Smart; I make them think AND chuckle. I’m not going to get my own HBO special, though. I’m not even getting my own PBS special. I’m average, but at least I don’t smell like Brussels sprouts.

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