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My Step Dad died today.


Ms. Spam
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I am posting this here too because I may need to vent about family things I can't post on FB. My mom has no clue about the funeral arrangements as she either doesn't want to talk about it or she is not being included. I don't know because the only information I get is a voicemail where she says "He's dead!" Then she hangs up.

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Thanks guys.

 

Destiny. I think it was expected. Karl was older than my mom by 10+ years. He beat cancer once but this time I think he just sort of gave up. The whole house has been depressing for years. No one really goes out. This past year Karl's older son and his wife have come to visit for holidays but they stay at a local resort and do not invite my Mom over. Karl gets a car sent for him and they have meals and visit with his grandkids there at the resort. This time Karl called his sons and they've been there in Tucson for about 5 days prior to his passing because he knew I think. I think they blame my Mom for his deterioration. Plus she is extra embarrassing when she has had a bit too much to drink.

 

Tami! Thanks for offering. I have been kind of making plans for a few months. I've been looking into homes for my Mom and brother and sister to move into and was hoping Karl would at least go until summer break so I could go out and help them with the change. At this point they may end up either living in a really bad house as Karl was too old to take care of it and my brother who lives with them as their caretaker is not an adult so they only have hot water in the mainhouse and no heat. Karl just stopped caring. He tried to get my brother involved in doing things around the house to help with its upkeep but Timmy just wanted to smoke pot and play video games. Then Karl just go too old and gave up. I think Karl left my mom his house but I am not real sure. They may have to move in with my Grandma. Not even I would consider that if I was an alcoholic. My grandma is a super nag. Even when she's blind. So until June we'll have to see about a kind of band aid thing. It would help if they would just talk to me.

 

I can't even get my Mom to stay on the phone long enough to see how she's doing. I have a feeling that Karl's sons will want to sell the house with the apartment and second home and cut my mom out.

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Guest El Chalupacabra

I am very sorry for your loss, Spam. Dealing with step-family members is tricky in situations like this. AZ is a community property state, so if your step dad and mom were still married at the time of his passing, the house should go to her, unless there is some will that says otherwise. Even then, I think your mom might have ultimate say, so I think the important thing is not to let your step siblings bully her into selling, until details like that are known. That is all legal stuff I don't know much about, but you can PM me and I can ask some people for you, if you like.

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Yeah. I can't even imagine right now for you because of your son's impending eye surgery.

 

So.... My brother and I were looking to go out this weekend and stay from Mother's Day weekend until the following weekend. The memorial service for my step-dad is on May 15. This would have been covered with HR so no issues with time off. My grandmother called my brother and told him it was his duty and basically guilted him into going. He has two sons and a job and just got a divorce and one son has to stay in the state because he's on probation. So my Dad and step mom found a time share we could stay at in Tucson and we were going to go. But suddenly Matt backs out because Mom pleaded with him not to come. I was going to drive out so I didn't spend money on a ticket so I'm like okay. We'll go after school lets out.

 

My Mom's a drinker and her marriage hasn't been great the last two years. Basically they just laid around the house, her and Karl, racing to see who could die first. Karl gave up trying to get her help. She hasn't paid any attention to anything he's told her. Basically she was shocked he had no money and left her penniless (the house is paid off and goes to her but she's getting pressure to sell). She didn't maintain any relationship with her husbands kids from another marriage and they've been doing all the work arranging for things. She needs the death certificate which is going to be issued tomorrow so she can file for spousal social security as well as get power and electricity done in her name because I'm pretty sure Karl's sons will just cut these off. They can't even find the deed to the house.

 

So I can't say I blame my brother for getting talked out of going. He knows it is bad. My Mom met her grandsons just twice in their lives (they're in high school). She's never left home to travel to see them and the one time we were all together Matt and I wanted to cook for her and take her with my brothers kids to do things and she would just give us money and close the door. That was 5 years ago. She's been hiding how sick she is. Pushing people away.

 

Well now she's getting the help she needs. She fell today and broker her hip. She's in the hospital.

 

I don't know where to even begin with a suicidal alcoholic. My sister brought her the wine yesterday. Both of my younger brother Tim and sister Tina live within 100 yards of Mom. The house that Karl left her is big. 4 bedrooms and an apartment with a second house attached. Tina lives in the apartment off the garage and Tim lives in the house in the backyard. No one will stay with her to make sure she's okay? Tim says it is too hot but really he just wants to be a 40 year old teenager playing video games and smoking pot until 4 AM and Tina's sleeping all the time and staying up late to hang out with a guy who deals drugs. It's the end of the school year and I can't just leave at the drop of a hat. I have so much anger over to people who are 40 years old that can't supervise someone who's husband just died and they gave alcohol (after she's stopped drinking for a few months) because it inconveniences them? Mom stayed with Karl because Tina and Tim had a place to stay and live and they have not paid not one dime for it. Sure both are unhealthy. Tina has kidney and high blood pressure and Tim has gout and stage 3 kidney failure.

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Yeah. For sure. I've been having a few already.

 

I have to long distance this thing until Memorial Day. It tore me up to know my mother had to crawl into the kitchen to call for help from the kitchen telephone - she doesn't own a cell phone and the portable is god knows where. I've told Tim he had to stay in the house with her. She's super weak as she had fallen twice already and was using an old wheelchair to get around. He was high and playing video games when she called. He couldn't drive so they had to call an ambulance. I love my brother. I did the tough love thing years ago to him when he lived with me. But I am like WTF? She was married to this dude for 20+ years. I know it was husband number 9 but this is all she knows.He wants to move out of the paid off house and move into an apartment. I don't think he can even conceptualize what a move entails. She has no money. Even if they sell the house there won't be enough money to live with or buy another house with as much land and space. An apartment will kill mom. Hell I'd want to strangle all three of them if I had to live under one roof with them. You can't even make plans. And they expect me to drop EVERYTHING and come.

 

Nope.

 

This maybe the best thing ever. Mom will get double rehab. They're going to teach her to walk again with her hip replacement, but some meat on that skinny 90 pound frame if they have to do it through liquid diets like they do old people who forget how to eat and they're going to possibly get her a psych eval. No more hiding your craziness. And my brother and sister are so scared because this is change but they will need to finally grow the hell up. The hardest part is setting out the law like I'm the parent. GOAWD. I am trying to see it as a positive thing.

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Guest El Chalupacabra

Man, sorry to hear all that is going on with your family, Spam. I hope things get better for you and your mom.

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The hardest part is setting out the law like I'm the parent.

That really is the worst part, at least in my experience. Hopefully it gets better for you, my experience has been that I'm the parent of a 68 year old for as long as she's alive.

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