How to relax when you have no time?

[Guest]

So, company restructuring has left me with a less than desirable work atmosphere until the end of June. Starting in July, I'll have free time again.

 

In the meantime, I barely see my family. A little bit in the morning, I get to have breakfast with my son before I leave for work, I get home in time for bedtime. Then I try to clean up the kitchen and help around the house, then go to bed where I'll maybe talk to my wife a little. The commute home ALWAYS involves a call from my very needy mother, so I get a total of a 35 minute commute each day to myself, and that's it. Weekends provide a little free time, but still not much and I don't get to see my family during the week so I try to spend it all with them.

My job is stressful, and I don't really have downtime or much of a real support system in place. I work homeowners insurance claims, and a lot of the stuff I deal with it so hard that nobody wants to hear about it, aside from a paid therapist, but who has time for that? So... what would you suggest for relaxation? Drugs/alcohol are not an option, even legal prescription drugs, due to the fact that I don't have time to deal with the effects.

[Burt]

I've been in a similar situation off and on, and I just put the phone down in the passenger seat and only answer it for emergencies. I put on some music and enjoyed my solo commute as much as possible.

 

This sounds a little silly, but at night when I got in bed, I would go on vacation somewhere. Instead of laying there thinking about work, I'd think about being somewhere more relaxing. Walking through an aspen forest, that sort of thing.

 

Hang tough.

[Ms. Spam]

I've been telling my Mom that it is illegal to drive and talk at the same time in San Antonio. Fortunately she does not understand handsfree technology.

[monkeygirl]

HOT TUB. Find yourself a hot tub. Seriously.

[Cashmere]

So sorry to hear things are tough, Fozzie. No suggestions, but I wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

[The Human Torch]

I live the mom's life in this situation, umm not literally Fozzie's wife, so my perspective is different. However I tell my wife when we feel "imprisoned by duty" we have to breathe and steal time. By this I mean go Batman... or more accurately go Kung Fu Master. Close your eyes and focus inward for a few moments a day. Double up activities; bathroom break? Sit down and close your eyes, just don't breathe too deep. Getting ready to commute? Two minutes sitting in the car, eyes closed, focus inward. Now crank that car on, assuming you own a Model T, and drive. I find that starting focus on a single color helps the push inward to a calm moment. I use blue, because I can conjure the sky or ocean and then be encompassed by them. Always remember the stress you feel is likely the stress your partner feels as well. Time apart or together is fine, both can be accomplished by a trip to a grocery store. Leap at the opportunity for earned leave, but in the meantime remind yourself in your own way you are a hero, doing what's needed for those that need it most; you and your family.

 

P.S. I sometimes substitute Batman Time for music therapy, don't stop believin'! From Mozart to Ludacris. Often times a song or two jammed along with can feel like an eternity alone.

 

P.S.2 Sometimes I'll skip an hour of sleep to play video games before the day starts. Basically it just comes back to finding a way to steal a moment from your schedule.

[DANA-kin Skywalker]

Have you considered massage therapy membership? An hour a month isn't a large time investment, and a steady membership helps with the price some.

[Guest El Chalupacabra]

Kind of hard to make a suggestion because I am not totally with your job, and I am assuming you have a packed schedule.

 

Maybe you can schedule time throughout the day to take breaks. I mean set them as appointments, so that you are not disturbed for 10-15 minutes, and during that time, step outside, go to the break room, get a drink from the water cooler, or whatever. The point is to take a break once every 1-2 hours, and set your appointment schedule as busy during those times.

[Odine]

Have you considered massage therapy membership? An hour a month isn't a large time investment, and a steady membership helps with the price some.

Plus happy endings take the stress out of any day.

[Driver]

I've been struggling to think of a non-sarcastic response to this that was helpful. I don't have one.

 

BUT!

 

Here's something to try and keep in mind. This is temporary.

 

I've definitely been here. 7-8 years ago I had an hour morning commute, 8-9 hours working at a desk, another hour home, dinner, time with wife and kid, then another few hours working on writing projects. It felt like an uphill battle.

 

Really the only two pieces of advice I have are either learn to sleep less or be patient. Massages, a cocktail after work, vacations, xanax-- all great for recharging the batteries. But I don't know if you are looking for a quick fix relaxation technique, or a way to actually have more life back. Cause al the things mentioned here are great-- but you'll still have to go back to the grind.

 

Sleeping less, if you can handle it, lets you get more done, gives you more personal time-- but may not help in the relaxation department.

 

I think you have to just be patient-- eventually the kid will require less constant attention, relationships will adjust, work always changes up. Right NOW your schedule is packed, but it won't always be that way-- especially if you start taking action to now with a plan to have what you want.

 

So yeah... patience. Crappy answer, but probably the most realistic one.

[Guest]

I've been struggling to think of a non-sarcastic response to this that was helpful. I don't have one.

 

[. . .]

Really the only two pieces of advice I have are either learn to sleep less or be patient. Massages, a cocktail after work, vacations, xanax-- all great for recharging the batteries. But I don't know if you are looking for a quick fix relaxation technique, or a way to actually have more life back. Cause al the things mentioned here are great-- but you'll still have to go back to the grind.

The grind is the grind. It's going to change in June, guaranteed. I'll be able to start leaving the office at 5:30 instead of 7:00, which is a huge change. Really it's just about surviving the next 2 months and not being a jerk the whole time or gaining a million pounds from stress eating.

 

The weather is nice today, so I did take a 15 minute break and took a walk outside. I've also been filling a Thermos with hot water so I can drink tea throughout the day. Small changes. Also trying to take Torchie's advice as well, in finding moments of quiet.

 

I'm pat of a group of about 45 people handling theft claims for a large section of the South, so it's always busy and I can't fix everything for everyone. I'm thinking the secondary trauma is starting to get to me, too, because insurance is all about trauma and I think theft, especially burglary, is one of the most emotionally traumatic things I've dealt with, and that includes death claims and auto accidents. People just don't feel safe in their homes anymore after that happens, and since I can't drive to Atlanta to put an old woman's door back on for her, I feel rather impotent in my ability to really help.

 

And please, offer some non-helpful sarcastic responses as well.

[Destiny Skywalker]

Is it mandatory overtime because they said you will stay until 7, or that's how long you have to stay in order to get your work done? If they're just making you stay until 7 BECAUSE EVERYONE NEEDS TO, screw them, take some breaks like you did today. I hate when companies demand you work x number of hours a week extra just because others are running behind. If you are getting your work done, you should get to go home. So if you're getting your work done, I think you're justified in taking some short breaks to refresh yourself. But I know it's hard when you'd rather be at home with your family.

 

I'll second Tank that the kids do get less demanding. I'm hoping baby isn't showing up before June. But prepare yourself for starting over on the kid thing. It's a little bit of a hard adjustment for both parents when you get used to the easier older child.

[Jaycie]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Balancing things, especially when you have other family (like your mother) also adding to the noise, can make it hard to prioritize. Cause you want to be there for all of them at once but you really can't. It may be worth talking to your mother about your drives to and from work being a time for you to mentally prepare for work and to decompress before you get home. It may be a really difficult conversation though if she is very needy so I understand if you don't want to do that but I would hope she'd understand given the stress you're under right now. Just try to explain it won't be forever and you'll find a better time to call her regularly as things settle down. Even though I work from home it takes me a good half hour to get out of work mode and feel like I can be part of the family sometimes, I imagine it's even harder on you. At the very least as everyone else has said, you know it's just for now, so I guess the best thing I can say is "hang in there buddy."

Personally when I'm very stressed or feel like you're describing I make sure to have "now don't go mental" time, even if it's just simple quiet meditation for only ten minutes a day. Sorry I know I'm like coming out of lurkville out of nowhere but I felt for you.

[Guest]

Yesterday my son slept in until 7:30, so I got to have some relaxing time with Mrs. Fozzie in the morning. Then after work I selfishly took some time to go hang out with a friend and drink beer and play board games.

 

It was nice.

[The Human Torch]

It is only selfish if you don't return the favor. Don't guilt yourself for finding time, that defeats the purpose of finding time. :-)

[Destiny Skywalker]

Yes, make sure both of you get the time that you need. It's ok for you to do some stuff for yourself, so long as you let her do that every once in awhile, too. Neither of you should feel guilty for wanting and needing that, and especially not for taking it.

[Guest]

Yeah, I know. And I actively encourage my wife to go out, and she also has other stay-at-home mom friends who get together and also help each other out with babysitting so they can get some time. I get that she doesn't get a break at all, because her job is our house and our son. So I try to make sure she gets what she needs. I just need to do the same for myself.

[Jacen123]

 

 

And please, offer some non-helpful sarcastic responses as well.

 

[Guest]

I swear I +1'd that post a week ago. I wish I could give more.

 

My mom's been on vacation this week. It's been amazing how much that 40 minute commute is better, and my entire life is better, not having to talk to her. I need to find a way to tell her that I'm not capable of talking to her as frequently, which to most people would be reasonable, but to her will result in me being the worst person ever, threatening to never see my son again and other insanity.

[Destiny Skywalker]

My mom and her family operate similarly. They do not like boundaries. Hence, I'm an asshole. Just do it. She'll eventually get over it (and if she doesn't, well, you get a breather for awhile).

 

What I find that works best is to set a schedule. Tell her you will talk to her, say, 3x a week, Monday, Thursday, and Saturday. Tell her you're just very busy at work and her grandson needs you, too. If something emergent comes up, you will talk to her, but it means she will miss her next "day".

[Driver]

I'm not saying this to sound like a tool-- but I am having the reverse problem as Brando. I have a little too much free time and quiet on my hands and it makes me really uneasy and anxious. I should be used to being a freelancer cause I've been doing it for years, and I'm not in immediate financial danger-- but when I don't have a project or job I have a hard time relaxing.

 

I can read and watch movies for awhile, but feel antsy. I go for bike rides and that helps, but also tires me out. In the mornings I snap awake around 7 whether I need to or not and am instantly amped and slightly on edge.

 

Video games help too-- but after an hour or so of playing them I start to feel really guilty, like I am wasting time.

 

I don't tell anyone about it because it feels like the whitest most first-world problem ever to have and I am super grateful for being where I am now in life. I just thought once I got here I'd be able to relax a bit, but I'm as anxious as ever.

[Darth Ender]

I work full-time, working on my dissertation, and building my own business. I feel your pain 100%. There are two things that come to mind. First, schedule time for yourself and make it a priority on the same level of everything else. For me, I play soccer. Game times are both regular and fixed. I feel accountable to others to be there. Is there something similar you can get yourself into? Second, when you do good to bed, have a definite and relaxing procedure. Give yourself time to unwind. Have a drink, read, I listen to podcasts...whatever calms you down and takes your mind off things. I always try to go to bed with my mind in a good place.

[Cerina]

Seth. No.

[Darth Krawlie]

Yeah I love you but fuck off bro.

[Tex]

I'm not saying this to sound like a tool-- but I am having the reverse problem as Brando. I have a little too much free time and quiet on my hands and it makes me really uneasy and anxious. I should be used to being a freelancer cause I've been doing it for years, and I'm not in immediate financial danger-- but when I don't have a project or job I have a hard time relaxing.I can read and watch movies for awhile, but feel antsy. I go for bike rides and that helps, but also tires me out. In the mornings I snap awake around 7 whether I need to or not and am instantly amped and slightly on edge.Video games help too-- but after an hour or so of playing them I start to feel really guilty, like I am wasting time.I don't tell anyone about it because it feels like the whitest most first-world problem ever to have and I am super grateful for being where I am now in life. I just thought once I got here I'd be able to relax a bit, but I'm as anxious as ever.

I can totally relate to this. I have nothing but free time, yet I find it harder and harder to relax. I rarely mention it to my friends, because most of them have the opposite problem, but it really does get to me. It used to be that video games and movies were enough to keep me entertained, but over time they've lost their luster and often seem downright silly.