PSYCHOLANAZLYZE ME , for free, please.

[DANA-kin Skywalker]

Monkey girl:

 

Why do you want the intranets to think you are crazy? I feel we should explore this issue a little more.

 

My neighbor likes to play yoga/meditation Enya-esque music on repeat. I can hear it through the wall and it sounds like a DVD menu on repeat and recycling the same annoying hypnotic hippy refrain over and over again. I can feel that vein in my temple throb.

 

You're just jealous that you aren't invited to their drug-enhanced hippy orgies.

[monkeygirl]

No offense, but I think you're pretty simple MG. You're a huge spaz; sometimes you intentionally do it for effect on the board, sometimes you don't realize you're doing it, but either way, simply being a little scatter-brained is not that unusual of a trait. Also you have a bit of a masochistic streak with men; not exactly sure why, but like most people, it probably comes from a latent immaturity in one of your character traits that you never got past, perhaps stemming from an insecurity from long ago. Who knows, who really cares- at this point in your life, you ain't changing, so why worry about it.

 

There you go. You can go see a therapist, waste a few months and pay a few thousand $ for him to tell you what I told you in two sentences. But hey, at least maybe you'll score some meds to 'cure' whatever 'disorder' happens to be in vogue at the moment, so maybe it's worth the $ after all. Unless you get addicted. That would suck I guess.

 

As far as the anxiety thing, my goodness, whatever. Everyone has little random anxieties about irrational things here and there, just do a few shots of whiskey- problem solved.

None taken; I've never thought I was complicated.

 

Thing is, I think it's much more than 'a little scatter-brained'. I do not realize I'm doing it when I'm not doing it on purpose-so you nailed that. I don't get meds from my therapists-they can't dispense in this state, has to be a psychiatrist and my psychiatrist won't medicate me (Anxiety).

 

The "masochistic streak with men" I'd LOVE to have anyone speculate on-I think that "latent immaturity" is the result, not the cause of something. I have the same daddy issues every female with a missing father early in her life has-but I"d like to understand more about this so if I DO end up in another relationship, it has a chance of being a healthier one. With this last round of marriage and therapy, I know I 'chose' my second ex because of his emotional unavailability; mimicking the absent parents in my kidhood. I'd like to learn enough to see this crap going IN next time.

 

And I DO WANT to change-so I have incentive.

 

REESE-seriously, I'd never heard of any of that and it's pretty clear to me I'm on that spectrum so yeah-THANK YOU.

 

If it means anything to anyone-my GP recently remarked that he needs to spend more time making sure I'm on the right path-he said something to me I've heard so often in my life, something like "you're so smart, but you're so dumb"....when it comes to figuring out what my problems are. He says he initially feels a mere mention of something may seem like enough for me to research and correct my own issues, but that in some cases, I really need a BASIC primer or I'm lost.

 

If I could just fix THAT...

[monkeygirl]

Monkey girl:

 

Why do you want the intranets to think you are crazy? I feel we should explore this issue a little more.

 

My neighbor likes to play yoga/meditation Enya-esque music on repeat. I can hear it through the wall and it sounds like a DVD menu on repeat and recycling the same annoying hypnotic hippy refrain over and over again. I can feel that vein in my temple throb.

You're just jealous that you aren't invited to their drug-enhanced hippy orgies\

 

That's not me, that was ONDINE

[Cerina]

 

No offense, but I think you're pretty simple MG. You're a huge spaz; sometimes you intentionally do it for effect on the board, sometimes you don't realize you're doing it, but either way, simply being a little scatter-brained is not that unusual of a trait. Also you have a bit of a masochistic streak with men; not exactly sure why, but like most people, it probably comes from a latent immaturity in one of your character traits that you never got past, perhaps stemming from an insecurity from long ago. Who knows, who really cares- at this point in your life, you ain't changing, so why worry about it.

 

There you go. You can go see a therapist, waste a few months and pay a few thousand $ for him to tell you what I told you in two sentences. But hey, at least maybe you'll score some meds to 'cure' whatever 'disorder' happens to be in vogue at the moment, so maybe it's worth the $ after all. Unless you get addicted. That would suck I guess.

 

As far as the anxiety thing, my goodness, whatever. Everyone has little random anxieties about irrational things here and there, just do a few shots of whiskey- problem solved.

None taken; I've never thought I was complicated.

 

Thing is, I think it's much more than 'a little scatter-brained'. I do not realize I'm doing it when I'm not doing it on purpose-so you nailed that. I don't get meds from my therapists-they can't dispense in this state, has to be a psychiatrist and my psychiatrist won't medicate me (Anxiety).

 

The "masochistic streak with men" I'd LOVE to have anyone speculate on-I think that "latent immaturity" is the result, not the cause of something. I have the same daddy issues every female with a missing father early in her life has-but I"d like to understand more about this so if I DO end up in another relationship, it has a chance of being a healthier one. With this last round of marriage and therapy, I know I 'chose' my second ex because of his emotional unavailability; mimicking the absent parents in my kidhood. I'd like to learn enough to see this crap going IN next time.

 

And I DO WANT to change-so I have incentive.

 

REESE-seriously, I'd never heard of any of that and it's pretty clear to me I'm on that spectrum so yeah-THANK YOU.

 

If it means anything to anyone-my GP recently remarked that he needs to spend more time making sure I'm on the right path-he said something to me I've heard so often in my life, something like "you're so smart, but you're so dumb"....when it comes to figuring out what my problems are. He says he initially feels a mere mention of something may seem like enough for me to research and correct my own issues, but that in some cases, I really need a BASIC primer or I'm lost.

 

If I could just fix THAT...

 

Did he say that you're "too smart for your own good"? Because I swear I hate that. Been hearing it all my life and it makes absolutely no damn sense. What's that even supposed to mean??

 

But, hey, while we're playing doctor here...

 

Tell us more about your childhood. Specifically your parents, your relationship with them then and now.

 

I also want to hear about your experience in school. What was that like? Did you have many friends? Did people think you were weird? Nerdy? Popular? Average? Artsy?

 

Would you describe your emotions as constantly "too much"? Do you sometimes feel that maybe you just experience the world with more intensity than others? Maybe there's something wrong with you because nobody else seems to be as affected by certain events?

 

Does your sense of justice and equality sometimes overwhelm you and bring you to the brink of insanity?

 

Has anybody ever described you as "just too...emotional/hyperactive/excitable/worrisome/anxious/intense/creative/curious/whatever"?

[Driver]

It means you get caught in the head loops. I've been guilty of that in the past, where you cannot stop over processing the same idea in your head. It's a problem that overly intelligent people have-- they see a problem, and think that seeing it means they can logic wrestle it to the ground. But unfortunately neuroses are too strong for logic to beat.

 

Tami-- my guess is that most of your stuff is a byproduct of having a period of life at a young age of feeling either unsafe or unsecure. Maybe you moved a lot, maybe a parent detached from your life, maybe things were so turbulent you never felt safe.

 

As a result, as an adult, you covet stability. Your nesting instinct seems pretty intense-- be it a humorous obsession with pillows to the fact that you loved painting rooms, decorating, doing your own repairs, etc. This extends to things like money and jobs too. The day I met you for drinks your radio station had just flipped formats and you weren't sure what that meant for you and that was a big deal.

 

You NEED stability and security, and without it you start to spiral into uncertainty and anxiety. Your fear of CHANGE is the biggest roadblock you have as a result of this, Anything that is a threat to your security, you go into denial about. You stayed married too long and put up with some **** because you couldn't handle the idea of not having your house. You've been willing to put up with abuse (conscious, subconscious, physical, mental, emotional) because you'd rather deal with short term crap than to deal with the bigger problem that would arise if you dealt with the bigger issue because it would likely force life changes.

 

Now that you've had no choice but to readjust your nest and everything in your life has flipped, you're spiraling again because you haven't adjusted to the new normal. Which means, it doesn't take much to set you off. Even the simple things like a neighbors noise level are processed by your brain as somebody intruding into your bubble and threatening it.

 

The fix/answer is to accept that you cannot control the universe and finding a way to be okay with that. It's a decision you have to make, and depending on how you feel about various treatments there's different ways you can go about it. People may poo poo therapy, but at the end of the day, therapy is just talking to somebody who lets you talk it all out and gives you tools to recognize it. Depending on how woo-woo you like to get guided mediation, yoga, hypnosis, or other versions of spiritual healing actually can work-- so long as your brain accepts them. I'm not overly spiritual, but i do think that there's plenty of ways the brain can be retrained away from counterproductive thoughts.

 

As for pills-- anyone going through this stuff should use a temporary low dose of anti-anxiety meds to take the edge off. Xanax is non-habit forming and helps you chill. That said, true chemical imbalances in brain chemistry can 100% cause depression, dysfunction and all other stuff, so it's important to have a doctor who is willing to really look into the issue and not just throw pills at your face. No one should take crazy pills that doesn't truly need them-- but some people do need them and I don't think there's shame in that. I take daily meds to keep my asthma in check. My dad takes pills for blood pressure. My GF takes pills because no matter how great things are for her she will have severe depression without them. There's some sort of public shame in taking things like prozac because they have been abused by doctors as a fix-all, but for some people, there is a legit need for them.

 

Anyway.. thats my armchair internet diagnosis...

[monkeygirl]

O.M.M.F.GGGGGGGGGGG, REESE!!! I haven't heard that in about 10 years but I SWAER TA GAWD THIS is the phrase OF. MY.LIFE. I cannot overtstate this enough. By the time I was 14, I could picture myself in a bell tower, sniper-style shooting everyone, individually, who said that to me. And they said it to me ALL the ****ing TIME LIKE I COULAD DO somthing about it!

See, this is just it-until my last 2 therapists, noboday had EVER tole me what to DO about it-they just said things like that with a look on their faces

like I SMELLED and dismissed me as a trouble-maker. Then I learned hot to be a trouble-maker because it shut it all up, finally.

 

On one hand-thanks a LOT, because I had successfully buried that. On the other hand, THANK you.

 

Why do you want the intranets to think you are crazy? I feel we should explore this issue a little more.

Okay! I'ma need some refinement on this from your POV-depends on exactly the behavior you mean by that.

 

I have 3 of me that run my life-a 4-year old, a 16-year old and an adult. I THINK you're talking about my 4-year old. Much like schizophernics compartmentalize,

I had pivotal moments in my life at those ages and they each stunted me, emotionally in a sepcific way, at those ages. I now know I allow those 'personas'

to react to situations that threaten me in those areas and am just getting a handle on recognizing them as they occur and handing the situation over to my adult.

It sounds very hippie but it works for me. Anyway-if that's what you mean? My 4-year old craves attention more than anything and learned to get it by making

Mommy laugh or yell. She doesn't care if she's making sense or not-she JUST WANTS the attention. I want to find a way to keep this one's positive traits and

put a muzzle and leash on her.

 

BTW GUYS-I want you to know I'm doing things to move forward, not just asking for free advice then ignoring it. I made a couple inquiries today.

[monkeygirl]

Seth-THANK YOU. I appreciate every word. Of course, you nailed me. You didn't tell me too much I don't already know, but hit every important issue.

I've spent a long time trying to figure out what causes me to do all these things, hoping understanding them would be the key to getting rid of them.
Therapy I got while I was still married-therapy YOU suggested-was the key to really learning that the looping was simply caused by my own brain. I have tools
that help now. If I haven't before, let me thank you separately for that.

Answering Reese will fill you in;

My Mom was an only child, like me. Her parents were CRAZY in love/lust with each other from the day they met-to the point my Mom often felt a little excluded. My Grandmother had a bad heart, was never supposed to have kids, it was so bad.
Mom met my Father when they were in their late teens, her Dad hated him so much, he tried to have him killed. My parents got married 2 months after she turned 21 and she had me
10 months later. He flaked, started drinking, staying out-I don't think cheating was a part of it- and they'd have pushy/shovey fights when he did come home.
One night, he hit her, she called home and my Grandfather and his friend came to get us. We lived with my grandparents and my Mom worked 2-3 jobs.
My Father never sent any money-rarely came by (with my Grandfather threatening him, still). I remember my Grandparents as nice to me, sweet. My grandmother was nicer to me
than my Mom was. My Mom was constantly stressed, even when she was home.
When I was 4, my Grandmother died. I remember it all so vividly, I can recall what people were wearing, the weather, the funeral. If this were a movie of
my life, this part would play as Asian or Scandanavian; slowly paced, pretty, lingering, thoughtful shots-icicles melting in the sun...
Then, life started sucking. I was sent to Catholic School after having to enroll for a little while in public school because of placement. I don't recall this,
but my Mom tells me she was called in constantly because I wouldn't sit at my desk or keep to myself. My first memory of Catholic school was having the backs of my knees whipped with a
pointer stick because I was telling a classmate she had too many books in her desk (we had a limit).
My mom, unknown to me, dated a lot during this time...dated and..."dated". I didn't figure this out until adulthood-I would just spend nights and weekends with
relatives and friends.
When I was 8, my Mom met the man I call my Dad now-I call bio Dad my Father; they married when I was 9. My Dad is the ****, I love him to DEATH. He saved me. My Mom and I really clashed
when I got to be about 12-she'd been verbally abusive before then. My Dad made me feel that maybe it WASN'T all me-that maybe I wasn't the crazy one.
He stuck up for me in front of her, which made me feel GRAND but, in retrospect, probably wasn't a great marriage-bonder. Anyway, we moved in together downtonwn
and that's where I met all the worst influences in my life. I started smoking cigarettes when I was 12, pot when I was 13-everything else by 14, when I was raped by my friend's "babysitter".
Got an illegal abortion, moved out of the house when I was 17, moved back at 19, when my parents left town. Moved to Seattle at 25.

I think that's everything that's reveleant.

[Cerina]

Holy hell. No wonder you have coping issues.

 

But really, I really want to know more about YOU, not things that HAPPENED TO you. That sorta crap will fuck with anyone, but I'm asking about how you respond naturally to things. Some of your issues may very well be a case of your brain simply being wired differently than most people's. Should you be focusing on therapy to "cure" or "get past" and "move on" from this stuff or should you really be focusing on "coping" and having more control over your internal responses to external stimuli?

[Driver]

Seth-THANK YOU. I appreciate every word. Of course, you nailed me. You didn't tell me too much I don't already know, but hit every important issue.

 

I've spent a long time trying to figure out what causes me to do all these things, hoping understanding them would be the key to getting rid of them.

Therapy I got while I was still married-therapy YOU suggested-was the key to really learning that the looping was simply caused by my own brain. I have tools

that help now. If I haven't before, let me thank you separately for that.

 

Like I said, I think where most people, especially smart people, get tripped up is that we think just cause we can track down the root that means we've beat it. We like to think we're smart enough that if we say "AHA-THAT'S IT! I won't be tricked by that again!" But neuroses are tougher than logic. Having the tools and knowledge isn't enough, it has to be a constant state of upkeep and work.

 

Just like an addict, even sober, is still and addict. They have to deal with their addiction for the rest of their lives even if they never had a drink. Some days it won't be an issue, some days they reaaaally want to hit their vice to numb it.

[monkeygirl]

B-my answer is B, right? And Seth's PLUS ONE is acknowledgement that he was on the right track, right?

OH-okay, let me give this another shot now that Ive put in writing my life's worth of shame on the internet.

I FLIP OUT at everything I can't control.


Like Seth said, I have a strong desire to make my environment pretty and mine-beyond what is average nesting. It's likely where my perfectionism comes from; if I can make mt paint borders perfect, maybe I can make my life perfect?
I've been working on finding that place at which I start to flip out over nothing and logically talk my way through it and that's working great in the day-to-day.

I totally over-react to change, sure it's impending DOOM. I have severe abandonment feelings. I feel lonely to the core of my soul every day, regardless of any true interaction I have with loved ones. I can't understand how anyone could LOVE me. LIKE me, sure- I LIKE me,. but LOVE? EEEYEW.

I feel like I experience pain different than most humans. Forever, i thought I did this normally. Over the years, friends and exes have asked me "REALLY? I mean, right now, it hurts THAT bad??" and YEAH, it does. I try to tell myself pain is just a response to stimuli but things that most people seem to blow off really ****i hurt me a lot longer. I don't WANT to be like this. I want to be stoic.
I feel far too sensitive for this world. When I start talking big-picture stuff, I get overwhelmed with emotion: nobody and nothing can fix ISIS and GLOBAL WARMING and HATE. I ACHE for what people do to each other and to animals.

I'm easily confused by simple things at times-it seems I 'can't see the trees for the forest' but I test as wicked smart on all sorts of aptitude and IQ tests-always have.

I also feel detached from some human rituals-death rituals, in particular, mystify me-I feel like I'm from another galaxy when discussing what different peoples do with dead. Just confounds me.

Is THIS the sort of stuff you're looking for?

[Driver]

Have you taken an HSP test?

 

http://hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/

 

I scored really high on this and read the book and it helped a lot. It's not pseudo-sicence or woo-woo-ery. Just an insight into how some people process outside stimuli.

[Cerina]

Yes. Has anybody ever told you that you're gifted? Moreover, do you have any idea what that actually means?

 

Does any of this sound about right?

 

Gifted adults demonstrate:

1. Qualitative differences in information processing -- characterized by: unique perception and awareness; a sense of humor and creativity outside the norm; questioning, searching for truth, intuitiveness; insightfulness; comfort with both divergent thinking (breaking things into components) and synergistic thinking (putting things together to form something new and different); relentless curiosity and heightened creative drive; more process-oriented than product-oriented; hold divergent values compared to mainstream culture.
   
2. High sensitivity -- characterized by: sensitivity to others often combined with a sense of personal alienation and loneliness; acute awareness of complexities and consequences; heightened responsivity to expectations of others.
   
3. Intensity -- characterized by: high excitability; high energy level; emotional reactivity; high arousal of central nervous system.
   
4. Multipotentiality -- characterized by: having capabilities in many areas and domains of talent; can move fluidly from one pursuit or interest to the next; have the ability to juggle many things at once.
   
5. Idealism -- characterized by: striving for moral integrity; interest in social reform & service; extraordinarily high standards; low tolerance for mediocrity and frustration.
   
6. Perfectionism -- characterized by: self-criticism; labeling themselves as "scattered"; having a lowered sense of entitlement to make mistakes; identifying easily with failure; thinking they are more likely to blame than others; difficulty taking credit for achievement and abilities ("imposter" phenomena).
   
7. Internal locus of control -- characterized by feelings of: being out of step and on a separate path; being "Other"; not fitting in; striving for Inner Authenticity may experience deep conflicts between needs for self-actualization and maintaining traditional relationships.
   
8. Strong entelechy (from Greek for "having a goal") -- characterized by: the need for self-determination, for self-actualization; leadership qualities; achievement-oriented; interested in non-traditional careers and professions.
   
9. Intense moral commitment -- characterized by: seeing injustice and doing something about it; willingness to stand up for one's beliefs; outrage at moral breaches that the rest of the world seems to take for granted.
   
10. Global view -- characterized by respect for all human beings; a greater capacity for empathy; concern for others--especially children; sensitivity and warmth.

 

The good news? You're totally not alone, and you're not crazy. The bad news? Being gifted is not the "gift" the name implies, and support for adults is far behind the support you find for children which is itself severely lacking. It also means that finding a therapist is a bit more difficult because so many gifted traits seem too much like different disorders and pathologies that you probably don't really have.

[monkeygirl]

YES AND YES AND I do NOT feel "gifted". That list defines me.

 

I was put in ALL AP classes from 4th grade on. Aptitude tests suggested I'd do better at a higher grade level but I was already place a year ahead-16 in my senior year-so the school kept me where I was for social reasons.

 

Seth-thanks. Never heard of this, either- says 'If you answered more than fourteen of the questions as true of yourself, you are probably highly sensitive.'

 

I scored 25.

[Driver]

I scored 22. The book is interesting. There's no meds or cures for it, but knowing why your brain works a certain way is helpful

[Guest]

Quiet by Susan Cain also discusses highly sensitive people quite a bit, and I found some of the things in that book to be helpful.

I have this one on hold at the library now.

[monkeygirl]

It feels as this all just popped up in the past 10-15 years for me, but when I look at it, I've been feeling this way since I can remember feeling.

I've always felt incredibly frustrated and angry because things just seem sooooooooo ****ing difficult-everything seems like it so often and I notice most

people don't seem to feel this way. When I was in my teens and crying for answers, my Mom would say "You're just not a happy person and you probably

never will be"-not really helpful or supportive. I've always felt like everyone around me expects so much of me and I can't deliver. Some days, I

feel like I've won, just because I'm still alive.

 

This just FEEL like something one should be able to 'get over'-you know? Made 3 more contacts about therapy today-hopefully will have professional

help again soon.

 

I'll look at that Fozzie-thanks

[The Kurgan]

Like I said, I think where most people, especially smart people, get tripped up is that we think just cause we can track down the root that means we've beat it. We like to think we're smart enough that if we say "AHA-THAT'S IT! I won't be tricked by that again!" But neuroses are tougher than logic. Having the tools and knowledge isn't enough, it has to be a constant state of upkeep and work.

 

Just like an addict, even sober, is still and addict. They have to deal with their addiction for the rest of their lives even if they never had a drink. Some days it won't be an issue, some days they reaaaally want to hit their vice to numb it.

I'd add to this that logic and rationality can themselves end up being the tool of neurosis. Logically analyzing ourselves can become a substitute for the actual work of recovery. Neurosis does not ultimately deal in rationality and is not rooted in logical errors. It's rooted in deep parts of ourselves that have been hurt. Getting to the root of the problem involves facing the things that make us seem powerless and small. I've got land in Florida for ya if you think that's easy. The issues that I had in my younger days with relationships and intimacy brought me to the brink of personal psychological annihilation.

 

I've since become a believer in radical self acceptance. Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is NOT to try to understand, dissect and above all, judge. Labels can become your enemy. Nobody's ever going to be completely rational, with no hang-ups, anxieties, compulsions or the like. Sometimes just reaching a point where you can accept yourself, flaws and all, is like turning the temperature of the pressure cooker down a few notches. I know, I know, easy to say, not so easy to do.

[Odine]

Monkey girl:

 

Why do you want the intranets to think you are crazy? I feel we should explore this issue a little more.

 

My neighbor likes to play yoga/meditation Enya-esque music on repeat. I can hear it through the wall and it sounds like a DVD menu on repeat and recycling the same annoying hypnotic hippy refrain over and over again. I can feel that vein in my temple throb.

You're just jealous that you aren't invited to their drug-enhanced hippy orgies.

 

Cause there was no sex noises. Even if they were having tantra I'd be able to hear something.. and at the very least be able to get myself off. Unfortunately their sounds were as dull as I described. Yoga Enya. On a side note.. Dylan Moran said that if a vagina could talk it would sound like an enya song. I dont know why thats relevant but it is.

[Evolence]

Chronic schizophrenia

[monkeygirl]

 

Like I said, I think where most people, especially smart people, get tripped up is that we think just cause we can track down the root that means we've beat it. We like to think we're smart enough that if we say "AHA-THAT'S IT! I won't be tricked by that again!" But neuroses are tougher than logic. Having the tools and knowledge isn't enough, it has to be a constant state of upkeep and work.

 

Just like an addict, even sober, is still and addict. They have to deal with their addiction for the rest of their lives even if they never had a drink. Some days it won't be an issue, some days they reaaaally want to hit their vice to numb it.

I'd add to this that logic and rationality can themselves end up being the tool of neurosis. Logically analyzing ourselves can become a substitute for the actual work of recovery. Neurosis does not ultimately deal in rationality and is not rooted in logical errors. It's rooted in deep parts of ourselves that have been hurt. Getting to the root of the problem involves facing the things that make us seem powerless and small. I've got land in Florida for ya if you think that's easy. The issues that I had in my younger days with relationships and intimacy brought me to the brink of personal psychological annihilation.

 

I've since become a believer in radical self acceptance. Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is NOT to try to understand, dissect and above all, judge. Labels can become your enemy. Nobody's ever going to be completely rational, with no hang-ups, anxieties, compulsions or the like. Sometimes just reaching a point where you can accept yourself, flaws and all, is like turning the temperature of the pressure cooker down a few notches. I know, I know, easy to say, not so easy to do.

 

I know exactly what you mean. I just want to live a better life. I just want to be able to rinse my brain in cool, clear, fresh water. It's crammed with so much crap, so much junk, that I can't use it properly, it feels.

I don't really ultimately care if getting at the core is difficult-if it works to clear the crap now, I'd do it, hard as it sounds. I don't know how and don't know it it's necessary-as you seem to be saying-maybe it isn't?

 

I accept my faults. I accept there are certain things about myself I'd likely never be able to make a significant, radical change to even if I could. But I don't care to live more of the life I've had so far-it's too painful. I have to try to make things easier on my own psyche because almost every day for me is a slog. I know it doesn't have to be this way.