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The most wonderfully depressing time of the year


Evolence
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Yeah, I've held together pretty well until today. I had hopes of going to Vermont to meet a girl and her husband that I met over the internet (nothing romantic), but that fell through (no small thanks to bad finances and all the snow we're supposed to see tonight). And I guess today the reality has just hit harder than I'd like that I have nobody to spend the holidays with. Family is all far away and friends are doing their mandatory "with family" thing. So it's just me.

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So ignore the day and do something cool for yourself. Pretend you have a day off and you've engineered it spend totally alone doing only what you want to do. I've done this a few times with some success. Once, I took a hike. Another, I binge-watched Ghost Whisperer, had ice cream, a hot dog and Doritos for dinner and took a 2 hour long bath. Once, I went to a Catholic midnight mass (that one wasn't a great idea-cried the entire time).

 

I'm powering through this one by working and making money. Christmas this year, I may just shoot myself in the face.

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heh. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house and away from one of my cats. He's turned into a full on labor of love that I need a break from. He's toothless so he is on this food slurry diet. Every time he eats I have to clean his face like he's a toddler learning to eat because he drools and sneezes and spits up everywhere. He makes it even more challenging because he doesn't eat in one sitting. He'll slurp for about three minutes then walk into the other room and shake his head and sneeze if I don't catch him in time to clean him. Thus another room that needs to be cleaned. Then he gets wiped up he goes right back to the goddamned dish and eats for 30 seconds and trots off to another area to sneeze the food he's got stuck in his nose everywhere. When I am cooking in the kitchen he thinks it is for him even though there is food in the dish so he goes to my leg and tries to climb my pants. When he's not eating because he's blind he goes between the water dish, the litter box and front door howl-meowing. AT ALL HOURS. Non-stop. I get two hours of quiet because he's so tired from this regimen he sleeps. But then he gets hungry and it is food time again. And if the food dish is up the howl-meow is ten thousand times louder. Like a scream. I can't go anywhere in the house without him. Shower? He's in there. Toilet? He's between my legs looking up crying. Trying to sleep? Nope. You just hear the constant cry. Watching teevee? He's at the front door crying or trying to go out the closed window.

 

My neighbor says when I'm gone she can't hear anything. I come home and open the door and he's asleep in the bed.

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Well, a guy that I went on a date with awhile back texted me and we're going to get together. Then my girlfriend was able to break away from her married life for the evening, so we will have a little get together, so it's not as depressing as it was looking to be. This time of year still gets to me because biological family is so far away; it's been years since I've been able to spend time with them around the holidays. And with the family having moved south, this year stands to be lonelier than most.

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So ignore the day and do something cool for yourself. Pretend you have a day off and you've engineered it spend totally alone doing only what you want to do. I've done this a few times with some success. Once, I took a hike. Another, I binge-watched Ghost Whisperer, had ice cream, a hot dog and Doritos for dinner and took a 2 hour long bath. Once, I went to a Catholic midnight mass (that one wasn't a great idea-cried the entire time).

I'm sorry but that sounds infintitely more depressing.

 

I'm powering through this one by working and making money.

Same here. This won't be my first Christmas working. It makes me feel more Christmas-y in a way. It helps if you enjoy you co-workers an if you have a loving fam waiting at home. I have absolutely no advice for Evolence.

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Why did I have to read this? I'm dreading it already. I can pretty much mark my calendar - December 10th, typically. I start to get very dark and moody. It really starts to crest around the 23rd or 24th and peaks in the week of Jan 1 to 6. The more time passes between the times I'd rather not remember, the worse this becomes.

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We already got though Thanksgiving. Then, for me, the big one is Christmas Eve. I like it a billion times better than Christmas Day. So, I figure, if I work all jobs possible, then I only have to get through, like, 6 hours. (I can work Christmas Day and pretend it's New Years Day, which is generally really personal and low-key for me, so that won't count). I can see friends and stuff that can easily take up 4 hours-take a long shower-and really, getting 'through the holidays' can take 60 minutes of true effort. I can keep myself busy for 60 minutes with just about anything.

 

THAT'S MY PLAN.

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Well, in lieu of being able to celebrate Christmas Day with anyone, I opted to attempt to host a party at my place. I went out today and dropped some serious bling buying trinkety shit for my friends. Got some stockings to put their stuff in and am wanting to have a dinner party where all the girlfriends are invited. (Whoever said you can't buy friends?) We'll see how many of the 6 want or are able to actually show up. I basically spent the Christmas money that my parents mail me buying stuff for them, so they better be ****ing thankful or else.

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(Yes, even my mother calls me a scrooge. I wouldn't have thought to buy anybody gifts at all, except someone made the PAINFUL admission that they had already gotten me something for Christmas. It's like, DAMMIT, WTF did you have to go and do that? Now I feel obligated to have to go spend my time and money buying you something. I'd much rather you just not buy me anything so that I in turn don't have to buy you anything and can save my money.)

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I can't imagine spending the holidays alone, andI f eel for all who are. But at the same time, I can't imagine making the decisions you have made, Ev. Worshipping money to the point that you're too selfish to buy gifts? "Allegedly" having an altercation with your wife that lead to a restraining order and, it seems potentially never seeing your child again? I hope that the 3 spirits visit you and help you change, because I am worried about you. You've always been self destructive, but it seems to be escalating lately, and pushing people away.

 

I don't know what the point is, other than to say I've noticed and I care.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Well, I had my holiday party this weekend. It was a royal clusterfuck in the tradition that only I could throw them. I tried so hard for weeks going into this in terms of shopping, preparing, cleaning and decorating the house. And I just threw it all to shit. :( The day before I get a picture from my wife showing our son sitting with Santa and he had such a big, happy smile. And it reminded me of everything I threw away and how he's better off without me being in his life. Then the next day, she texts me and we talk awhile. She actually treats me like a human being for a change instead of just keeping it to the obligatory one-to-two word replies. But her point? To tell me she euthanized our cat. I didn't even like that cat that much, but I did love him, if that makes sense. Too many bad thoughts piled up on top of too many bad thoughts. It all just sort of melts away from there into this morass of psychiatric distress. I didn't get to see any guests open their packages, or eat, or socialize...Just too much. So Merry F-ing Christmas, just a few more days to go and we can be done with this shitty time of year.

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I'm sorry, Evo. I wish you better times and more emotional resiliance in the next year. Stay strong.

 

Me, I just got news I may be going blind. Been having issues with my left eye, it's kinda tender when I rub it and my vision's been getting a bit worse in it, especially when I stare right at something, plus getting a bit more bothered by bright lights. I'm over 50 now so wtf, I figure it's just age stuff. But had my annual eye appt yesterday and the guy says I have unusual hyper-pigmentation on my macula (the back of the eye) on my left side and I need to see a specialist. So of course I google it -- and find those are classic first signs of age-related macular degeneration leading to blindness, and pretty much nothing else.

 

AWESOME.

 

I'm trying not to freak out, but it's kind of useless. Merry f-ing Christmas...

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