Hero or Villain: "I wish I'd aborted my son."

[Pong Messiah]

I'm sure most parents feel this way after a few weeks, but this lady's brave enough to actually say so. Apparently, it is hard to raise a child with Down's Syndrome, and she wishes she had either aborted him or let him die back when something was wrong with his spleen. The "child" is 47 years old now, btw.

 

According to the article (which provides no citation), 92% of women choose to abort their babies after discovering it has Down's Syndrome.

 

How do you feel about this?

 

Hero or Villain?

[Guest El Chalupacabra]

I would say aborting a fetus you know is going to have Down syndrome before it is born is actually a more valid reason than simply aborting a normal fetus because it is just an unwanted pregnancy. But I wouldn't say it's either heroic or villainous. I would say its pragmatic, possibly even merciful.

 

Someone who decides to keep a Down's syndrome baby out of love, despite the hardship, is the real hero, IMHO.

[Burt]

I would consider it a burden and would abort, but I respect others' individual rights and feelings on it all the same.

[Destiny Skywalker]

Someone who decides to keep a Down's syndrome baby out of love, despite the hardship, is the real hero, IMHO.

this x 1000

 

Make that decision before they're born. But to wish you had after you've had 47 years to love them kind of makes you a horrible person, in my mind. Especially given that he himself hasn't done anything wrong other than exist and therefore inconvenience her.

[monkeygirl]

yeah, this is tough. ALL terminations are. No villains, no heroes. Bravery for admission, but I don't like her tone. Although caring for an adult child with his needs must be soul-crushing at times, she says some things I find really distasteful. It's all about her and her suffering-one line about her child's pain.

[Odine]

Eh... women have been aborting for thousands of years. So I don't see the moral indignation as justified. Its probably saved me from fatherhood a few times without my knowing Im sure. However to say you wish you aborted your kid 47 years after the fact is kind of ****y. (that began with a C).

 

I mean shes probably talking in hindsight about how hard the situation was, and not "yeah he kind of wasnt worth the hassle really"... but still. Way to go.

[Burt]

Well, in her defense, her doctors completely failed her. She never had the chance to abort. This all reminds me of a similar story in 1930s Nazi Germany. A woman in a very similar situation wanted her adult son with Down's Syndrome to be euthanized, and the story became a big Nazi propaganda and eugenics success.

[Pong Messiah]

Well, in her defense, her doctors completely failed her. She never had the chance to abort.

Yeah, if she was told he was normal and not to worry, and discouraged from testing... bigtime fail on the doctor's part. Villains there, fo sure (assuming they able to test for Down's in the womb prior in the 1960s. Too lazy to look it up).

 

But I do agree, once the child is born, you either take care of it or put it up for adoption. A hero doesn't blame a child for their life being ruined, especially when they chose to keep him.

 

[Evolence]

I think you'd be a villain to NOT abort.

[The Kurgan]

I would say that this is NOT MY F****g choice to make, nor my place to judge one way or another.

 

Raising regular children is hard work. Raising special needs children is an absolute ball-breaker. I'm midway through raising two myself, though they are high functioning autistics rather than Down's Syndrome, and the difference is considerable. My children are, for their age, independent. I have a niece who is severely delayed due to chronic, intractable epilepsy and the drugs required to control that. Any semblance of a life outside constant hospitals, doctors, medication, therapy and all that for my sister in law is thus impossible.

 

Do I have the right to judge someone for aborting a child if they knew ahead of time it would be that hard? In my opinion, if and ONLY if I'm prepared to do all the work and foot the bill for it all. If I'm not prepared to do all those things, I don't get to make the call.

 

As such, I'm choosing to conscientiously abstain from the poll.

[Tex]

Kill it. Just kill it.

 

I feel for this woman, and I admire her for her honesty. Life is too short and she found out the hard way.

 

Anybody judging her should A) ask yourself what you would do in her boots and B) picture what your life would be like after caring for a retard and finally C) wondering what life could've been like if had aborted it. Imagine the daily torture.

 

I think she's totally exhausted and unhappy after years of trying to do the "right" thing. She deserves the right to vent.

[pavonis]

I wonder, if she had aborted, would she now have written an article describing her regrets about doing so? Regretful people regret sh!t; if not one thing, then another.

[Ms. Spam]

What Kurgan said. I'm a teacher and have never had kids. Next year I will be 44 and the baby factory is closed in this house because the risk is too high. I'm okay with that. Spoiling cats is a good way to go. I don't want to make that decision if the time came. And I don't want to judge others.

 

There's a girl I went to school with that is kind of like the Duggar version of adoption. She has like 13 kids, three of which are Downs Syndrome. All of them adopted. The three with Downs she will have for her whole life. Not just until 18. And she willingly adopted these kids. She is their biggest cheerleaders at school functions like Special Olympics and she buys things for the class, not just her kids that are in the disability unit at her kids school. Like she bought everyone bowling shirts for the Bowling Special Olympics or she remembers every kids birthday. I think it's great now for her because the oldest is 21 but there is more years of the same and their development is going to stay in the mental age of a 12 or less year old. That's like having kids ruining your **** for life. When you're old, when you're feeble, you won't be singing "Will you still feed me when I'm 64!" You'll be like "JESUS H CHRIST! Why can't he make his own breakfast." I think this girl that adopted all these kids is amazing. Hopefully one of the other adoptees will want to stick around years from now to help. Her and her husband are good Christian people because they actually help the least of humanity.

 

I subbed one year in the special needs class and that was work alone. The class used to walk to the library and one time this girl with Down's just sat down on the grass and shut down. I couldn't get her to budge. The class kept walking on to the public library but I had to stay and see if I could get her to get up and follow or just stand with her until she decided she wanted to go. The build of a teenager with Down's Syndrome makes it so they are solidly there in place and you can do what you want but they're not moving. They don't know their strength. They can genuinely hurt an older person later in their years trying to take care of them.

 

Doctors will tell you something but they view it through their own version of what they think is appropriate. They may think there's a cure that could happen or don't believe in abortion but really you have to look at yourself as a person and regret is just as bad as guilt.

[Yeahhh buddy]

My opinion is similar to that of Kurgan's. I feel their is neither a heroic nor a villainous answer. I would imagine it would be miserable either way. It's either regret or hardship, take your pick, and nobody should judge you one way or the other since the only person with a qualified opinion is someone who has had to make that very same choice.

[Guest El Chalupacabra]

yeah, this is tough. ALL terminations are. No villains, no heroes. Bravery for admission, but I don't like her tone. Although caring for an adult child with his needs must be soul-crushing at times, she says some things I find really distasteful. It's all about her and her suffering-one line about her child's pain.

Well, as for her tone, I saw it more in the context of her trying to tell (or warn) mothers with unborn Downs kids that if they are considering abortion, to go ahead and do it, because it won't ever be an easy, or a good life for the parents. I think one can infer that she herself is conflicted. Obviously, she loves her son (or was it out of guilt?), at least enough to not have institutionalized him at any point in his life. She could have rid herself of her Downs syndrome son at any point in her life, including now, and signed him over to the state. In fact, she goes on to say she is concerned what will happen to him, after she and her husband die (or physically are unable to care for him).

 

As Kurgan says, kind of hard to judge someone, unless you've both walked in those shoes and are willing to step up and take on that burden yourself.

 

I think that sums up my whole position on abortion, in general, too. I personally don't like it being used as a means of retroactive birth control (am talking about someone who irresponsibly and consensually gets pregnant, not extenuating circumstances like medical reasons, rape/incest, etc), but I don't judge people who do it themselves, because I am neither one who has been in that position, nor am I one who is willing to adopt others' kids.

[Destiny Skywalker]

Being a caretaker is extremely hard. I watched my parents marriage crumble because of it. But as a mother and as someone in a caretaker role, her tone is abhorrent, and I noticed it as well. She mentions hee concern for his long-term care almost as an afterthought, after paragraphs of bitching about how he's ruined her life.

 

I dated a guy with a sister with Down's, and his mother's attitude was very different. They ended up going with a similar long-term housing solution as this family, but I never heard her or my boyfriend speak poorly of her like this woman does. It was a fact of life and not a happy one, but they accepted it and loved her in spite of it.

[Copper]

After taking care of my Mom through only 9 months of chemo, I can tell you right now I'm not even prepared to be a parent, let alone a parent for a special needs kid. Way too exhausting. I'm entirely too selfish and prone to panic attacks!

 

but if I got pregnant you can bet I'd test for Down's, and I'd abort that baby if it had it. I wouldn't feel good about it, but I'd feel better about that than the fear of not knowing what would happen to my handicapped child after I passed away.

[Guest El Chalupacabra]

Being a caretaker is extremely hard. I watched my parents marriage crumble because of it. But as a mother and as someone in a caretaker role, her tone is abhorrent, and I noticed it as well. She mentions hee concern for his long-term care almost as an afterthought, after paragraphs of bitching about how he's ruined her life.

 

I dated a guy with a sister with Down's, and his mother's attitude was very different. They ended up going with a similar long-term housing solution as this family, but I never heard her or my boyfriend speak poorly of her like this woman does. It was a fact of life and not a happy one, but they accepted it and loved her in spite of it.

I can definitely relate to that, DS.

 

I have been, and to a point, still am in a caretaker situation, myself. Both my parents have\had serious disabilities, my mom (who has since passed away) having had multiple mini strokes over the years, along with a plethora of health and memory issues. My dad having severe neuropathy that effectively has left him crippled (he can't walk without a walker), and having other health issues, and mini strokes, himself. I could go on about things I have had to do to help them over the years, including having lived with them for a time to help, and I know all that still doesn't compare to raising a child, and definitely not for a special needs kid.

 

In fact I am sure raising, and then later caring for an adult special needs kid on a good day, is like 10 times what I have do deal with on a bad day. I am just saying I understand it takes a lot of heart to deal with caring for people, even when they aren't disabled, let alone a kid with Downs syndrome. While I can see how some of the things this woman said can be taken as terrible things to say and definitely understand why it would be offensive to a caretaker like yourself (being a parent is a caretaker), someone who can "opt out" of that in the first place (IE abortion, adoption, or institutionalizing someone with special needs after attempting to care for them), shouldn't be bashed over the head, nor should someone who later in life, in retrospect, wishes they had. Not everyone is built to be a caretaker.

[Destiny Skywalker]

No, I agree, not everyone is meant to be a caretaker. That was definitely my biggest takeaway from the article, was that, all things considered, she was not the right person for the job. My dad is a caretaker at his heart, and that is what has shaped my perspective on issues like this. Even when my parents were separated and he still had legal decision-making rights, he said to do everything possible to help my mom. "Letting her go" would've meant no costly divorce, no alimony for him to deal with, a lot less emotional baggage, etc. He could've even justified it by saying he wanted to save me the heartache of being my mom's caretaker (something he's told me he put off the divorce as long as he could to avoid that outcome for me). And my mom is unfortunately one of the most ungrateful people I know. Despite many character flaws, my dad took care of her with very little complaint for 24 years, all while raising a child and being a not-so-successful small business owner. Maybe that light at the end of the tunnel is what made him get through it, but he did more than the bare minimum. My mom and I owe him everything.

 

It's hard being a caretaker and not being able to hear thank you. But I think the issue here is that her son is the real victim. He's severely disabled, and from what I can tell, his own mother provides the bare minimum of warmth and support. That's the real tragedy.