Jump to content

Needing more than other people can deliver


Evolence
 Share

Recommended Posts

I have come to the conclusion that in my new found single status, I need more than what any friend or combination of friends is able to provide. It is so incredibly lonely that I find myself wanting to just go-go-go. The reality is, other people have lives outside of me. They have families and jobs and whatnot. My constant neediness I fear has been overbearing. And my wallet doesn't support unlimited going and doing.

 

So the other weekend I asked about doing something with one of my friends. She had already booked up all her free time for the whole week. So as that week came to a close I again asked and didn't get a response. So I've put the ball in her court. Now it has been nearly two weeks and I haven't seen her. I've tried to back off and not text or call either-- I've gotten a whole three lines of text from her this whole week.

 

It's very frustrating to feel like you are the only one that ever initiates anything with friends, but then you feel overbearing for doing it at the same time. So I'm trying to just step back and say, "fuck it, I don't need you people." Yes, my life is lonely. Yes, you make it more bearable. But I won't be that needy little bitch always calling and proposing things. I need to just become at peace with my loneliness. Become at peace with the fact that 90% of the time if we are going to be engaged with each other, it's because I'm making first contact. fuck that, I'll just sit at home in silence. Maybe I can take up meditating, or some other hobby where solitude is encouraged.

 

Sorry, my mood is heading south.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Kurgan, funny you should say that-- because high school is almost exactly what this reminds me of. In fact, high school morphed into me meeting my ex and then us (both being lonely, codependent types) just falling head over heels for each other. Honestly, I'm not sure if it was because we really loved each other or if it was because we were so in love with not being alone for the first time in our lives.

 

So I see that loneliness just manifesting itself all over again. In fact, most sensible people would not even be able to think about jumping into a new relationship after the dissolution of a 14 year relationship. Me? I was ready to jump to the next thing almost as soon as I found out the old one was gone. Not healthy I'm sure. But I've got no relationships on my radar unfortunately-- the one boy I went out with never called again. So fuck it. Friends are nice. But fuck them too.

 

In a way, I think I HAVE to get comfortable being lonely. Part of it is the cognitive distortion in the sick old brain of mine-- the part that says, "You're unlovable; nobody would want to get involved with you. You'll be all alone the rest of your life." I can acknowledge that thinking may be distorted, but I think it's probably accurate. But even beyond that, I think that whether I'm all alone the rest of my life or not-- I NEED to learn to like being alone. Because you know the old saying about not being able to love until you can love yourself. I've made a lot of progress on the self-love front of late. But I feel like learning to be comfortable being lonely is one of those dragons I'm just going to have to learn to slay. I can't let happiness for myself always depend on outside people performing to my expectations or needs. I've got to just learn to generate it from within.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am totally comfortable counting on me alone. I guess for me it was because I had five high schools after being in the same school district for grade school and middle school. I've been living alone for 6 years now and can't even imagine bringing people into my life to actually live with me. It helps that I am a sex camel and also that I've chosen to go back to get my Masters which has forced me to get a second job. So pretty much I interact with people online just as much as I am required to interact with people at work or at school. So minimal contact. Unless you call me, or I am teaching a student or arranging a parent teacher conference or going to Church, I'm pretty much reading on my porch or talking to my cats.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Because you know the old saying about not being able to love until you can love yourself. I've made a lot of progress on the self-love front of late. But I feel like learning to be comfortable being lonely is one of those dragons I'm just going to have to learn to slay. I can't let happiness for myself always depend on outside people performing to my expectations or needs. I've got to just learn to generate it from within.

There's definitely a yin-yang, Tao-ish element to all this. Relationships are meaningless agony if you cannot stand to be alone - you are imprisoned by your need for what the other person/people provide and do for you. Solitude is a meaningless agony if you cannot stand the thought of intimacy and closeness - you are like a fugitive constantly fleeing from the love and good will of others.

 

You are not truly free until you are at peace in either situation. Leastwise, your preference for one over the other will not be driven by neurosis or anxiety and will therefore not end up causing more misery than it was intended to prevent.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.