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Panic attacks about death


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Destiny, I try to live my life such that every interaction is a goodbye. My grandfather is old-- he will probably die sooner than later. I may go to the funeral, I may not. It doesn't matter. Honestly, I've said everything that needs to be said between us. Trying to say more isn't really necessary. He knows I love him, I know he loves me. The same with other people in my life. As cheesy as it sounds to quote Star Wars about a sensitive topic such as this, I actually get a lot of solace from Yoda's advice to practice losing that which you are most afraid to lose.

I think that's a good attitude to have. My family is a bit complicated in that I live very far from my parents and grew up far away from my grandparents as well. I didn't have the benefit of seeing them every week like my cousins did. I'm sad that my children will also have to grow up like that, but it's the unfortunate reality of the geography of my career path. My parents stayed in Chicago because the health care for my mother would be better than it is in Nebraska (and oh boy are we living that reality now). Spending time with my family has always been a rare treat instead of the mundane or routine. I think that may be why I have this particular attitude. I knew both times that the last time I saw each of my grandfathers that it would be the last. Unfortunately, my dad's mother passed away rather unexpectedly, and it hurt to lose her because of that, and I had just reached a point in life where I realized how special of a woman my grandmother was (other than just being my grandmother). She is pretty much what I aspire to be as a woman, and I wish I had more time to relate to her as an adult. My mother's mother is definitely declining, I'm trying to get out there soon so she can meet her great-grandson, she gets so much joy out of her great-grandchildren. (I'm old news lol.)

 

We found out last night that my husband's grandfather probably isn't going to make it through the weekend, not even sure if he's going to get to come home. The second opinion also decided he was too weak for surgery. His mom is scrambling to get on a plane to fly out here tomorrow (2 days earlier than she had planned on), still no idea if her brother decided to get his butt in gear. We're considering taking the day off tomorrow, not really sure what to do. I know my husband is afraid to see him in bad shape, I'm pretty much just supporting my husband in any way he needs it. The last time we saw him, he was very tired and pretty much sat in his chair the whole time. I expect him to be about the same or a little worse.

 

Edit: Unfortunately, grandpa passed away this afternoon. I'm glad our last visit with him was a pleasant one. His mom is a mess, she will be out here tomorrow afternoon.

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I'd have sex on April.

I went through something like this when I was about 23. I had my first real job, and I lost 3 out of 4 grandparents in 18 months (last one is still kicking 9 years later, and she's the unhealthiest of

You are super inspiring, Rock. I really respect the way you are open and keep fighting, even though things aren't going well.

Rock, you just need to rent yourself a classy hooker. Trust me, they are a lot less complicated than relationships. If you pay them enough, they'll even hang out with you and make you feel loved too.

I've thought about it... just to get it over with, but I just can't.

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Tomorrow morning I'm seeing a psychiatrist to get treated for the panic attacks. I'm sure they'll give me meds or something. I'm hoping for xanax. I've had it once and it worked really well.

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Don't tell them about any substance abuse / addiction history and they might. If you level on that, they're a lot more likely to give you something less effective and non-addictive.

Will do - excellent tip.

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I didn't give dying a second thought until I became a father. My mother lost her dad at a very young age, and it really screwed up her life. I love my child more than anything else on the planet, and I abhor the thought of not being there to guide them through the first stage of their life.

 

Rock- If I may...I understand some of what you're saying in regards to relationships. The biological drive to be one half of a whole is immensely strong. I was never really happy in a relationship until I figured out how to be happy with myself. I learned through a few rough lessons that I need to create and maintain my own happiness. For me, that involved pursuing my hobbies, taking care of myself, and going after my career.

 

My mind is sometimes a "torrent of white noise", and I suspect you're similar. If you have a few minutes, check this out:

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I don't believe that all people go to heaven, either. Boiled down, I think heaven is eternity in the presence of God and hell is the absence of God. Whether the immortal soul is conscious for an eternity without God, I can't say.

It's funny I understand what you mean when you didn't explain it more than that. Isn't it disturbing the only way to call it is a 'presence of God'. Who the hell can agree what God is anyway? But I understand why you had to put it 'conscious for an eternity without God'...

 

If I could attempt to rephrase it myself, I'd call it 'reading.' Reading keeps you invested. It would be nice to return to the earth, and as the earth, keep reading what's going on in the universe. That's my idea of heaven. My idea of hell would be dying and not reading, just 'being read'....if that makes sense?

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Hey where are all these pigeons, squirrels, rats and hares that are dying of old age? Has anyone ever noticed this?

 

We see birds dead when they get in accidents (hit by car, fly into window) and mice dead when they get into accidents (roadkill, traps)

 

But WHERE THE HELL are all these wild city animals corpses- the ones that live full, graceful lives? Have you ever seen an old bird die of old age?

 

HAVE YOU EVER?

 

What do they do- fall out the sky when it's their time? Where are all these pigeon and squirrel graves? There are lots of these guys and the ratio of dead ones found outside is small for the amount that there are.

 

It's 4am and this is FREAKIN' ME OUT.

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Hey where are all these pigeons, squirrels, rats and hares that are dying of old age? Has anyone ever noticed this?

 

We see birds dead when they get in accidents (hit by car, fly into window) and mice dead when they get into accidents (roadkill, traps)

 

But WHERE THE HELL are all these wild city animals corpses- the ones that live full, graceful lives? Have you ever seen an old bird die of old age?

 

HAVE YOU EVER?

 

What do they do- fall out the sky when it's their time? Where are all these pigeon and squirrel graves? There are lots of these guys and the ratio of dead ones found outside is small for the amount that there are.

 

It's 4am and this is FREAKIN' ME OUT.

You HAVE to be a troll/alias.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burying_beetle

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_carrion_beetle

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turkey_vulture

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_vulture

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calliphoridae

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Opossum

 

It's not a mystery.

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Hey where are all these pigeons, squirrels, rats and hares that are dying of old age? Has anyone ever noticed this?

 

We see birds dead when they get in accidents (hit by car, fly into window) and mice dead when they get into accidents (roadkill, traps)

 

But WHERE THE HELL are all these wild city animals corpses- the ones that live full, graceful lives? Have you ever seen an old bird die of old age?

 

HAVE YOU EVER?

 

What do they do- fall out the sky when it's their time? Where are all these pigeon and squirrel graves? There are lots of these guys and the ratio of dead ones found outside is small for the amount that there are.

 

It's 4am and this is FREAKIN' ME OUT.

You HAVE to be a troll/alias.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burying_beetle

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_carrion_beetle

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turkey_vulture

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_vulture

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calliphoridae

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Opossum

 

It's not a mystery.

 

Those links don't answer my question. And why are you so freakin' mean for?

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The links DO answer-- all of them are scavengers. I live in the middle of LA and I've got feral cats, possums, raccoons and coyotes in my neighborhood and they pretty much eat anything, including baby and/or old and dead versions of every other animal.

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I adore the fact I could be part of the ecosystem when this body goes. 'could be' meaning it probably depends on death; falling into molten lava probably removes the ability to be fuel for a circle of life. Even then however I'm fine with it, that'd be a pretty spectacular way to check out.

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Those links don't answer my question. And why are you so freakin' mean for?

You're right, I could have been more courteous. I apologize for being mean.

 

I very much appreciate that. So seriously, though, let me elaborate. I see hundreds of small critters PER DAY. Why do I barely see a hundred dead critters in a MONTH? It was mentioned that they eat eachother, but in all honesty I think I've seen an animal eat another animal just a few times in my life. Where are these scavenger activities happening in the city?

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Just because you don't see something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Of course that is often used as a Faith defense, but it works with Science! as well. Now to flip it sillier; Disney Imagineers have a paint color called No See-Um Green. It does not make things invisible, but our brains ignore it, allowing us to gloss over areas of the park that they don't want us to focus on. In our daily lifes we have a version of a No See-Um Green happening with various things. It is possible that you miss seeing various dead critters because your brain has already deemed them unimportant or at least not dangerous/unusual.

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Those links don't answer my question. And why are you so freakin' mean for?

You're right, I could have been more courteous. I apologize for being mean.

 

I very much appreciate that. So seriously, though, let me elaborate. I see hundreds of small critters PER DAY. Why do I barely see a hundred dead critters in a MONTH? It was mentioned that they eat eachother, but in all honesty I think I've seen an animal eat another animal just a few times in my life. Where are these scavenger activities happening in the city?

 

Most every urban scavenger is nocturnal, mst of the animals you talk about hide from people.

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Those links don't answer my question. And why are you so freakin' mean for?

You're right, I could have been more courteous. I apologize for being mean.

 


I very much appreciate that. So seriously, though, let me elaborate. I see hundreds of small critters PER DAY. Why do I barely see a hundred dead critters in a MONTH? It was mentioned that they eat eachother, but in all honesty I think I've seen an animal eat another animal just a few times in my life. Where are these scavenger activities happening in the city?

 

Would you like me take pictures of all the decomposing animals I find in my park? I can do day by day analysis; show the different stages of larvae, beetles, bird scavenger activity etc.

If you live in an urban area and you stick to the urban parts of it, the animals that die there are often scooped up by animal control and tossed somewhere delicate folks like yourself won't see them.

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Oooh, I love rotting corpses. The best are when they are photographed in continual time delay. Actually, I'll one up that previous statement. The best is when shot in time delay, and then projected in reverse (like NIN did in their Hurt video).

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