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Panic attacks about death


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The kid thing still terrifies me. Almost losing Ethan was the worst thing I've ever been through, hands down. Last night he was choking on a big of sweet potato, and I felt all that fear coming back. He is going to be my special kid, I swear. Do you still worry about Olivier like that, or not really?

It comes and goes. He's really independent-- and also pretty fearless. He has his meltdowns, but it's never over the stuff you'd expect. I don't worry about his safety when he's with his mom or at school that much any more. I know it sounds crazy, and he's never been in a situation to test it-- but I feel like he is a survivor.

 

His mom has a lot of the problems you have-- but that might be a mom thing. Really, the only way we differ in our parenting plan is that she's a lot more protective of him in terms of what he can see/do/experience. I certainly can't fault her for it. But if it were up to him, he'd be skateboarding to school.

 

But I watch him and sometimes he's on another planet, I don't fully trust him to not wander out against a red light because he's staring at a stick he just picked up.

 

I'm really weird in that I don't dream about my kids. I've had precisely one dream about Quinn, ever. And in it she was running away from me because she didn't want to do something and ran out into the street and almost got hit by a car and I had to tackle her to get her to stop from running out in the street again because she thought it was funny. I think my brain knows I'm not equipped to handle bad dreams about my kids and just shuts that stuff down and doesn't even allow me to go down that path. Quinn is kind of crazy but I think she's one of those kids who is probably going to end up with a broken bone one of these days, hopefully nothing worse than that.

This literally happened to us. When Oliver was thee, he would sometimes just bolt-- because he has always liked to run. We were at a restaurant on the sidewalk eating areas and he just decided to peace-out and run. His mom was closer and she took off after him and grabbed him by his hood and yanked him back out from between two parked cars. The car in the street would never have seen him. If he hadn't been wearing a hoody that would have been it.

 

I've actively trained myself to wake up if I start dreaming about Oliver-- I don't want to risk a jacked up nightmare or weird shit with him involved.

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I'd have sex on April.

I went through something like this when I was about 23. I had my first real job, and I lost 3 out of 4 grandparents in 18 months (last one is still kicking 9 years later, and she's the unhealthiest of

You are super inspiring, Rock. I really respect the way you are open and keep fighting, even though things aren't going well.

I'm the less protective parent. My husband often states he'd like 3 bubbles, one for me and one for each kid. But I think worrying about your kids is standard issue for moms. The parking situation at work is insane and I have a death grip on Quinn when I walk through the parking lot with her to drop her off at daycare. She knows she needs to hold my hand in parking lots OR ELSE. But if she wants to climb up to the top of the completely enclosed play structure, I'm not going to sweat. But my husband is right there, hovering. (She's just like me, I think that's why I don't worry about her as much. On the other hand, that may mean I should worry about her more...) She's the kid that likes to wander off if you're distracted for a second or bolts if she sees something she wants. Not going to lie, we have a monkey leash for really crowded places when I'm by myself with the kids, because trying to corral her and a baby is not the easiest.

 

Like I said, though, Ethan is my hot mess kid. Apnea issues, reflux, torticollis... I don't want to baby him just because he's the youngest, but I feel like I have to worry about him so much more than Quinn. Funny enough, my husband takes a "toughen up" approach with him, I think because he's a boy. You'd think Quinn would've broken him of that sort of gender bias, but no.

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Gender bias is really deep. I don't think most people even realize when they're doing it. We argue about this a lot. Noah has overexcitabilites, particularly sensual and emotional OEs. So he feels most everything more acutely than normal. Strong odors, noises, and tastes can bring him almost to tears, and he feels emotions on a level Trevor doesn't understand. You'll hear a lot of "stop crying, it's not that big a deal" and "he can't help it, leave him alone" around here. I'm actually strongly considering finding a family counselor to help us all. Plus, I think Noah also has sensory processing disorder. Poor kid is all sorts of sensory screwed.

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http://www.deathclock.com/

 

 

This says my death date is Saturday, October 8, 2005

 

ALSO, once again, am SOOOOO glad I didn't reproduce. SO. GLAD.

Those stories are utterly terrifying to me.

 

 

And also, one of my BFFs-she's 10 years older than I am-had DVT a couple years back. She got it on a flight to LA. That night in the hotel room, noticed a hot lump on her thigh that had traveled, called her Mom (ex-nurse) who ordered her to the ER.

 

She said 2 things occurred to her that night-that they treat you a lot differently in the ER when you have something like DVT than they do if you have a cut that needs stitches and that she'd be okay dying when it's time. They kept her in the hospital for 4 days and she couldn't shave her legs for a year (mega blood thinners). She said she thought of missing seeing her grandkids as adults but was fine with everything else. She's been a LOT different since that happened-a lot more **** it about stuff that really doesn't matter in the long run.

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From prior conversations I knew that only Rock and Mara had this kind of thing in common with me, which is one reason I have so much affection for them both. They're the only two people who can really relate to what I go through. Waking up in the middle of the night in a full panicked contemplation of the endless eternity of NOTHING to awaits us. We had such an eternity of nothing before we came into existence and that's what's waiting for us to return to in a few short years. It's pure Hell.

 

Like Mara, I try not to indulge it, I do everything in my power to distract from it, and most of the time that works. Only about 4-5 times a year am I really fully in its power. Then life moves on until the next time.

 

It's a very weird, very specific thing. I don't think anybody who hasn't endured it can really understand what it feels like or how it's always waiting in the shadows.

All of this. I often tell myself, "Everyone else dies, too." But even so I still feel like this is such a singular thing and nobody understands. Like, I want to shake people and scream ONE DAY I WILL STOP EXISTING DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT FEELS. And yes, of course they do, because they will die too. But it doesn't matter to me. It's not even a huge fear when it comes to other people. I was very sad my grandmother died, but thinking of her free from pain and in heaven made me feel better. But I cannot think of my own death in the same manner.

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From prior conversations I knew that only Rock and Mara had this kind of thing in common with me, which is one reason I have so much affection for them both. They're the only two people who can really relate to what I go through. Waking up in the middle of the night in a full panicked contemplation of the endless eternity of NOTHING to awaits us. We had such an eternity of nothing before we came into existence and that's what's waiting for us to return to in a few short years. It's pure Hell.

 

Like Mara, I try not to indulge it, I do everything in my power to distract from it, and most of the time that works. Only about 4-5 times a year am I really fully in its power. Then life moves on until the next time.

 

It's a very weird, very specific thing. I don't think anybody who hasn't endured it can really understand what it feels like or how it's always waiting in the shadows.

All of this. I often tell myself, "Everyone else dies, too." But even so I still feel like this is such a singular thing and nobody understands. Like, I want to shake people and scream ONE DAY I WILL STOP EXISTING DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT FEELS. And yes, of course they do, because they will die too. But it doesn't matter to me. It's not even a huge fear when it comes to other people. I was very sad my grandmother died, but thinking of her free from pain and in heaven made me feel better. But I cannot think of my own death in the same manner.

 

I understand, more than you know. I just get in, like you said, a downward spiral and I keep obsessing on it over and over. I have to try to force myself to think about something. Lately, I try to think about the girl in the Robin Thicke video and that usually works for a while. Then I realize that I'll die and never wind up with a chick like that and I'm back to square one.

 

That's a big thing for me too. Dying all alone, never having had a relationship or anyone love me. Ugh.

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People compare dying to the big nothing that existed prior to their birth. What is so terrifying about that? Were you in pain during this period? Were you in terror? So it will be when you pass. All of the negative human emotions cease-- there will be no YOU to feel fear, or regret, or longing, or to miss that which life has to offer. It is peace.

 

I have also read some literature written by terminally ill people. In some ways, a terminal illness is a gift, because instead of this ambiguous life span, you are acutely aware of your finite mortality. Thus, the time between here and there becomes something to savor and take in. Or so I've read.

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there will be no YOU to feel fear, or regret, or longing, or to miss that which life has to offer. It is peace.

 

 

That's what terrifies me. I don't want to die. As childish as that ****ing sounds, I do not want to not exist again.

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People compare dying to the big nothing that existed prior to their birth. What is so terrifying about that? Were you in pain during this period? Were you in terror? So it will be when you pass. All of the negative human emotions cease-- there will be no YOU to feel fear, or regret, or longing, or to miss that which life has to offer. It is peace.

 

I have also read some literature written by terminally ill people. In some ways, a terminal illness is a gift, because instead of this ambiguous life span, you are acutely aware of your finite mortality. Thus, the time between here and there becomes something to savor and take in. Or so I've read.

These are all valid points and questions ... but they entirely miss the point. Like I said, the only people who get this are the ones who experience it. That sounds dismissive and exclusionary, but maybe I'm just not smart enough to explain it in a way that makes sense to all.

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People compare dying to the big nothing that existed prior to their birth. What is so terrifying about that? Were you in pain during this period? Were you in terror? So it will be when you pass. All of the negative human emotions cease-- there will be no YOU to feel fear, or regret, or longing, or to miss that which life has to offer. It is peace.

 

I have also read some literature written by terminally ill people. In some ways, a terminal illness is a gift, because instead of this ambiguous life span, you are acutely aware of your finite mortality. Thus, the time between here and there becomes something to savor and take in. Or so I've read.

These are all valid points and questions ... but they entirely miss the point. Like I said, the only people who get this are the ones who experience it. That sounds dismissive and exclusionary, but maybe I'm just not smart enough to explain it in a way that makes sense to all.

 

I don't think Ev is being dismissive. She's being comforting using logic, which i appreciate, but it doesn't work on me right now because what I'm feeling is illogical. We all die, there's nothing I can do about it so the logical thing is to just say fuck it, accept it and just enjoy they the time I do have. But I just can't and it's getting worse every day. I hate this so much.

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I went through this at a very early age. As soon as I became aware of the concept of death I dwelled on it. For years. My mom tells me that I would wake her up late at night just to talk about it. I thought about that shit constantly, well into my college years.

 

Somehow I got the fuck over it. I think the key is to put your focus on things you can control and try not to dwell on things you can't. I also know that these are things we've all heard a million times, and the more you hear them the more frustrating it can be to shake the fear of death, but in my case I was finally able to let it go and just live. I just got tired of worrying about it.

 

Dont worry about dying alone. The fact is that we all die alone anyway. That's a door we all go through the hard way whether we're happily married or single and alone.

 

I also find that pride helps out a lot. Just get mad about it. fuck the world and be happy. These things that bring you down? They can all go fuck themselves. Think of depression as this beast that is constantly trying to kill you and you have to punch it in the balls again, and again, and again.

 

Just keep punching Apollo. Wanna ring the bell?

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Dont worry about dying alone. The fact is that we all die alone anyway. That's a door we all go through the hard way whether we're happily married or single and alone.

I worded it wrong... what I meant is that I don't want to die never being with anyone. Not knowing what it' like to have someone love you, etc. I just have these wants and they aren't complex, things normal people take for granted and for some reason I feel the need to experience them before I die, otherwise it would be a life wasted. Stupid, but it's what I feel. I wish I didn't feel anything,

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Honestly, this is one reason some people, (not all) turn to organized religion-- it offers them the peace and comfort that they are not alone in the universe and that there is a plan for life after death.

 

Not a negative statement or slam-- except for born agains, those people who you know your whole life without an ounce of religions then hit middle age, have a crisis about it, and are desperate to find a place in the world.

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As far as religion goes, I've always considered myself to be Christian, but I don't think I've ever had any comfort or confidence in any particular man-made flavor or interpretation of it.

Whether or not you believe in his super powers, Jesus is historically seen as a pretty chill, smart, loyal, and peace-loving guy. I don't mind at all seeing him as a role model in that regard. If that means there's some sort of end goal in the afterwards, great. If not, at least I'll know I lived a pretty good life. I can find myself at peace with death with all of that.

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