Going To Therapy Next Week: (Or, how D-Ray and his wife almost offed themselves.)

[D-Ray Kenobi]

Thanks for the great words of encouragement everyone, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I'm unfortunately in kind of a stasis until I find out about the job I've applied for, it won't be until I know about the outcome for it that I can assess where I am and really go to the next step. I'm still kind of a nervous wreck just waiting it out in limbo, and I'm somewhat afraid I'll come crashing down if things don't work out. But we'll just have to wait and see how it plays out.

The good news to report is that my wife is doing a lot better She got a huge promotion at work recently which actually affirms that she hasn't been working her butt off for nothing, that was long overdue. That in combination with the new medication and a bit of the therapy is doing really great for her. I'm hoping I'll get similar uplifting news in the upcoming week or so as well.

[Driver]

Even if you don't, the key in a relationship is to never be on the same cycle. If she's doing good, that helps. If you're both happy, great, if just one of you is, they can be supportive of the other, if you're both down, that's where trouble sets in.

[D-Ray Kenobi]

Is there really anything that can be done about that though? We had a spell where we were both super depressed for over a month or so for a while there, but I felt like we got closer and better off because of it. We knew were in it together, which made it kind of easier to get through.

[monkeygirl]

WHATEVER works well for you works, you know?

[D-Ray Kenobi]

I fessed up to my wife and best friends, I might as well here too. I had a big setback the past few days.

I had a real bad severe panic attack at work yesterday, bad enough that my wife let me try some of her Lexapro this morning. I woke up by myself because she had to leave super early for work, and I briefly considered gorging on pills while I was at it. For a second or two I was actually about to do it, but I was able to quickly talk myself out of it.

I'm so sick and tired of this, I just really don't know what to do.

[ShadowDog]

You're doing the biggest thing you need to do ... Talking about it. That is huge.

[monkeygirl]

Yeah, yeah. DO NOT feel awkward about talking about it. You don't have to 'confess'- it's just verbalizing something you didn't verbalize right away. Confessing makes it sound to me like you think you did something bad/wrong and I don't see it that way.

 

I imagine there's also some misguided guilt or shame at work in your head, too? Neither of you have terminal illnesses, you haven't killed anyone and you're not hiding some huge secret so maybe you don't feel there's a valid 'reason' for feeling the way you do? IF SO-knock that shit off! Your feelings are valid no matter what's causing them. Don't stuff them-that just makes everything worse.

 

Everybody feel like swallowing a bottle of pills once in a while. YOU DIDN'T. This is a good thing.

 

This is the worst part of a crisis for me-the setback. I immediately go straight back to my deepest point, as if nothing has gotten any better. I just got back from this week's therapy appt. and we discussed this because TODAY, I'm okay. Friday, I signed my house over to my husband and I have a feeling if I don't move out soon, he's going to evict me legally. My therapist told me to get all my responses ready to go, as if this WILL happen next week. She said to get ready everything I'll tell myself to remind me that I'm NOT back to square one, remind myself of my progress and give myself the strength to move forward after the setback. She said the same thing Shadowkitten just did-continue to talk about it to dispell the power it has over me.

 

Are you a writer? If you can, journal the shit out of this. The mere act of writing takes up time and sometimes things you didn't even know you were thinking pop out of the paper and if you go back and re-read, you clearly see things you're burying or discounting. It can be a useful tool.

[Copper]

Also: seek help. immediately.

 

[Driver]

Also: seek help. immediately.

 

she means it in a non-flippant way, everyone needs help sometimes.

[Destiny Skywalker]

I would see if your therapist can squeeze you in during the next few days. Like Tami mentioned, I'm sensing a lot of guilt here. I think you expect a lot of yourself, and I think you might actually need to let yourself be vulnerable so someone can help you break down these walls of expectation you've built up for yourself.

[Copper]

 

Also: seek help. immediately.

 

she means it in a non-flippant way, everyone needs help sometimes.

 

Yeah, sorry if that came across as flippant. Wasn't my intention!

[monkeygirl]

My specific advice is get to your person soon and let them know you've had these thoughts. It's just raising a flag so they know what to do for you. A good professional will not over-react.

[D-Ray Kenobi]

I imagine there's also some misguided guilt or shame at work in your head, too? Neither of you have terminal illnesses, you haven't killed anyone and you're not hiding some huge secret so maybe you don't feel there's a valid 'reason' for feeling the way you do? I

I feel really guilty and shameful working a job that I don't give a shit about. Partially because I know I'd be far better utilized and more productive working at my university and actually making a difference for people there. For the time being I'm merely working a job for the money, and nothing I do is actually productive for anyone. It's just buying someone another BMW or adding figures to a bottom line, and I feel shameful, selfish and embarrassed to be doing little more than that.

 

The other part of it is that I keep second guessing myself and feeling like I'm letting everyone down. My wife, the group of friends a bit younger than me that look up to me, the students at my university that I could be around for more if I could get back there. I'm often feeling like I'm just not good enough for any of them and I'm failing them all by not being in a position in life to do better for them.