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Those of you who follow me on Facebook already know most of this. Some of you may not, but I'll keep it short (also because I'm on my phone).

 

July 11: Got liquored up and took a couple of months worth of pills in a suicide attempt. Wife came home and I was still unfortunately breathing and coherent. She accused me of being messed up and a fight ensued. A domestic spat is alleged to have taken place. The police came and arrested me. Then I was carried to the hospital where they figured they'd just pump my stomach and take me on to jail.

 

My body had other things in mind, as I started pissing and convulsing and just losing all control. I was on a ventilator for three days and in the ICU for 5 days. I was then discharged to the local psychiatric hospital. I was there for more than two weeks.

 

July 23: Went to the hearing for the restraining order my wife filed. I negotiate keeping residence at my home, otherwise I would now be homeless. She gets full custody of our son with no visitation rights. I cannot speak or see them for two years.

 

I'm eventually discharged from the psych ward into police custody. I spend four days in jail, until my parents can post bail. I'm kept in solitary lock down the whole time. My sanity slips even more under these conditions. When bail was posted I was released.

 

I lost everything meaningful to me. Hope is a fool'a delusion. Decades of therapy and meds are not working. If life gets better and brighter, I have no interest in doing the work to get there. Life sucks and then you die-- sooner than later if you're lucky.

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Guest El Chalupacabra

Ev, I am very sorry to hear you've been having such a hard time. You've been posting here as long as I can remember. I don't want to say anything hollow or stupid, but please know that my thoughts are wit you and I am pulling for you and hope things get better for you soon, my friend.

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Jesus. I don't wish to sound hollow either, being that I don't really know you that well and all, but I am thinking of you and really hope things get easier. Don't know what to say really.....life......hugs XO

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All BS aside I can totally relate to what you're going through man. My childhood abuse pretty much made me incapable of sustaining long term relationships so about ten years ago I finally stopped trying and haven't dated since.

 

Nobody loves me and never will. I'm going to die alone and unloved and barely remembered.

 

Those are cold, incontrovertible facts. When I finally came to terms with them I wasn't exactly suicidal but I didn't particularly want to live either.

 

But I got through it by devoting my life to work. I work 14 hours a day most days. It hasn't been particularly rewarding so far but it passes the time. And along the way I've taken comfort in small things here and there. My sense of humor making people laugh; the rare good TV show, movie, or book; good food, etc.

 

And I discovered something crucial. Without the highs you don't really have the lows. I don't experience joy but I also don't experience crushing loss. My life is pretty even from day to day. It's literally been almost ten years since I've raised my voice to anyone. Without meaningful relationships you never have gut wrenching screaming matches.

 

The point is, I speak from a position of authority when I say this: if you can face up to the brutal reality that is your life, the stone cold facts however horrible they are ... you can get through this. I think its Hope, more importantly the loss of it, that drives people to suicide. Unrealistic hope caused by the bullshit most of us tell each other and ourselves on a daily basis. "There's somebody out there for me." "I'm not growing old." "Once I get this promotion my debt problems will go away." Or whatever. Face reality and own that shit and you'll eventually be okay.

 

If I can do it, you can too.

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Basically would mean life dealt you hardships, usually unsolicited but not necessarily. You feel broken or at a point of no return, with no hope. Three options then present themselves as the only truths; Death. Being walking dead. Living. Then with a bit of levity and as Q said to Indy, "Choose wisely." Not at all saying it's that easy, anyone with even a passing knowledge of how our brains work knows that, but there is always a catalyst decision.

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Hey man, I just want you to know that you aren't alone. We're not going through even half of the mess that you have, but my wife and I made the hard decision in the past few days that we're going to counseling together very soon. We're very cool in our marriage, but the both of us are just having trouble coping with a lot of the same things together. It's a shame that it's taken us so long to know that we needed help, we finally realized that being severely depressed every day and just wandering through life wasn't normal and we needed a little help. I won't go into the gritty details because this is about you and not me, but we halfway joked about having a suicide pact. It was then I realized we needed to see someone and reach out. I'm glad you have too, at least by talking with your nerdy online friends here and opening up about it. That's a big step.

I know it's a whole other ballgame, but please know that a lot of people are messed up and fighting their battles too. I don't think us humans are meant to deal with the stuff we put on ourselves these days, but we are designed to help each other out. Don't go at it alone, bro. Many others, including me, are around to help when you need it.

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