Copper Posted March 12, 2013 Author Share Posted March 12, 2013 I think it's a little cold toward her. I guess I feel like this was pretty hard for her to do too, and I'm sure she has her reasons for doing it. I thought the message from her was more about her reaching out and wanting to contact you, not him. I feel like that should be acknowledged one way or another. I don't really know how not to be cold with her. I mean, I don't want to be her buddy. How would you rewrite it in a way that's not cold but also isn't like HEY LETS GET SOME BREWS YO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Destiny Skywalker Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 Yeah, I'm really not sure how you write it, either. You sound guarded, but I think that is the appropriate response. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Driver Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 Just a line added to what you have that's along the lines of "I appreciate your need to want to reach out, but you have to understand I'm reticent to opening up to this sort of situation before I figure out where I want to stand with my bio-dad." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Krawlie Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 While I agree with Driver that this girl shouldn't be treated like **** and that his added line is nice, I don't think it's necessary and think what you wrote is just fine. Whatever you end up going with, good luck. It's not gonna be easy no matter how it goes down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danger Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 The only thing that sounded "cold" to me was the last sentence. I would change it to just say "My e-mail is __________." That puts the ball in her court to decide to tell your biodouche or not. The secret stuff... I don't know. I don't think I will tell my Mom that I was contacted by her, or that I replied to her. If my father does indeed want to contact me, and does so, then I might tell her. I really have no idea how she will react. When I asked my sister how she thought Mom would react she said that it would "wreck her". But I'm not so sure. My Mom still has a lot of love for my real father, despite everything that happened between them. She also has a great well of forgiveness in her, more so than I think I have, really. I agree. When I said don't keep it a secret, I meant if you do make contact with him, tell her. And even then, I would your tell mom before meeting up with him. Even though you're an adult and can do what you want, it would be a nice gesture to give her a heads up. It's something she'll just have to understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShadowDog Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 I just don't understand why there's any sense of obligation towards this woman whatsoever ... but maybe that's just because I'm an ***hole. I keep forgetting to factor that in when giving people advice. (I'm sincere in that, actually not being a smartass for once) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Driver Posted March 12, 2013 Share Posted March 12, 2013 I'm a golden rule sort of guy-- if somebody is polite and doesn't have an agenda, I am polite in return until they prove to be an ***hole. It's possible to be polite, and not a pushover at the same time. I agree with you, Copper has no obligation-- I was just surprised that you called the girl a bitch with an agenda on pure assumption. I don't buy into karma, I know too many douchenozzels with money and success to think karma exists,, but I do think that treating people the way you want to be treated is the best way to go. Why alienate somebody before knowing what value they may add to your life? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 ShadowDog calls everyone a bitch with an agenda. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Maker Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 Copper, whatever you do, don't be a dumbass and make snap decisions like ... Maker. Kinda harsh, but that's cool. It was totally a snap decision on my part, but I won't apologize for it--if I were faced with the decision April is facing, that's where I would land. I can admit that I was hasty to pass judgment on this girl and I'd honestly be far more likely to give her the 'thanks, but no thanks" version, I would never actually tell a well-meaning person to 'get bent' as I originally posted (even if I might be thinking it). I know people make mistakes and I'm usually all about forgiveness, but I also have a no tolerance for people who treat their family like **** and then try to get another chance. I've been on the receiving side of that and it sucks. I think April deserves far better, just as all of you do. If I come off as a dumbass in expressing that, I can live with it. This whole thread is filled with lots of great advice on how to handle this, almost all of it better than what I spat out. All that ultimately matters to me is that April knows I will back her on any decision she makes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chalcedony Posted March 13, 2013 Share Posted March 13, 2013 So. I've decided to reply to her. Here is my first draft: Hello Amy, I apologize for the late reply; I didn't even see this message until about a month after you sent it, and since then I have been mulling over how to respond to it. I have many questions but I don't really feel that you are the person I should be asking them to. You need to understand that I haven't heard from my bio-dad since I was four-years-old. So if, indeed, there is going to be any sort of communication between he and I then it needs to come directly from him. Feel free to pass on my email address to him. aprilvictoria@gmail.com April Schultz OR SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO YOU THINK??!? Wow! You sure have a heavy load on your mind right now. I think that's a great response, though. I mean, you don't know the woman, so what more can you say to her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Copper Posted March 14, 2013 Author Share Posted March 14, 2013 well wtf. I went to reply today and guess what message I see on her message? You cannot reply to this conversation. Either the recipient's account was disabled or its privacy settings don't allow replies. She no longer has a picture up so I'm guessing she deleted her account. WTF WTF Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pong Messiah Posted March 14, 2013 Share Posted March 14, 2013 WTF! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Copper Posted March 14, 2013 Author Share Posted March 14, 2013 WTF indeed! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NumberSix Posted March 14, 2013 Share Posted March 14, 2013 Evidently you imagined the entire exchange. Spookity! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Destiny Skywalker Posted March 14, 2013 Share Posted March 14, 2013 I would search for her on Facebook again. Maybe she created a duplicate account to send the message. Or it may come back. Something like that happened to a friend once. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danger Posted March 14, 2013 Share Posted March 14, 2013 You can "delete" your account yet be able to bring it back at any point. Although, WTF indeed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Copper Posted March 14, 2013 Author Share Posted March 14, 2013 I tried searching for her, but there a million Amy Lovett's and none of the ones I saw looked like her former picture. also nice AV danger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 14, 2013 Share Posted March 14, 2013 Maybe she was a ghost. And every time I look at this thread title I think of Major Dad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danger Posted March 14, 2013 Share Posted March 14, 2013 which one, copper? there were a bunch i was trying out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Copper Posted March 14, 2013 Author Share Posted March 14, 2013 The Fifth Element one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danger Posted March 14, 2013 Share Posted March 14, 2013 I never get tired of looking at Milla. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Copper Posted September 18, 2014 Author Share Posted September 18, 2014 omg you guys her facebook is back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Driver Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 I stand by what I said before. Especially thinking Dex was being way mean about her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Human Torch Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 Copper, Since her account is active again and you attempted to send the message previously, maybe send it again now. If nothing has changed since then well then it's still at that same point, the ball in your court point and the point where you decided to reach out. So you could now add a line saying you tried to send it last time but there was an issue with Facebook or whatever. Or whatever whatever don't send it and continue on as normal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Kurgan Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 The long period of her absense from facebook is raising a red flag with me. This Amy girl was raised by a man whom April's description makes clear was abusive, negligent, violent and an addict. Such people are prone to instability. Copper, you are caught in a difficult position. Your decision to try to contact Amy is completely understandable. But take the best advice that someone with addiction and family disfunction issues can himself offer you: absent some kind of recovery: counselling, psychotherapy, 12 step programs or whatever, you MUST expect chaos, unpredictability and dysfunction from both Amy and Bob. This is not harsh judgement. This is the straight goods from someone with 14 years sobriety and all the experience with both addiction directly and the indirect impact these problems have on family systems that this experience entails. Worst case scenario is that Bob is still using, and Amy is an enabler in some way or another. DO NOT think you owe these people a place in your life. If you act out of such a sense of misplaced obligation, then you invite destructive chaos into your own personal situation and quite possibly contribute to the further enabling of the sickness. What you must understand and accept is that Amy and/or Bob must earn and keep your trust fair and square. There is no need to be accusatory, stand-offish or confrontational from the outset. But I would recommend going slowly at first. Make sure that some kinds of long term positive changes - and my experience confirms their reality also - have occurred. Should you go through with this, do NOT ignore red flags that indicate imbalance and instability, such as chronic issues maintaining employment or the like. Keep them at arm's length until they have EARNED the privilege of deeper trust. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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