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Try the PIE
Posted 29 April 2010 - 10:24 AM
“But I TOLD you we weren’t getting back on the same highway! I TOLD you this!” Sandra hissed.
The waitress, a super pale and skinny young woman with jet black hair and red rimmed eyes, approached them with a faint smile. “Welcome to Lugosi’s! Try-.”
George swept past her as if she hadn’t spoken. “No you didn’t! You were too busy bitching about the brand of coffee I got because you were too ****ing lazy to get off your fat ass at the last pee break!”
George attacked a booth seat with his own ass.
Sandra followed suit, her eyes locked in on his face. “Oh there you go. THERE YOU GO! I knew this was coming!”
The cook, super pale and skinny with red rimmed eyes, appeared in the window between the kitchen and the front counter. He nodded eagerly from the waitress to the couple. The waitress rolled her eyes and nodded back.
George picked up the menu and ducked behind it. “I’m not starting anything! I’m just saying you WERE bitching about that the whole time I was getting back on the highway which is why I got distracted and went the wrong way!”
George’s eyes scanned down the menu items (blood pudding, blood gravy, blood soup, chocolate blood shakes, vanilla blood shakes …) without really seeing them.
Two teenagers, both wearing Team Edward shirts and large black sunglasses and sharing a massive brown and red milkshake, glanced over at the fighting couple and bared their fangs.
“You only ever shake me once at rest stops, George! You KNOW it takes at least three shakes to wake me up from a snooze!”
The waitress approached them. “Would you like some PI-?”
“A snooze?” George laughed rudely and violently. “A snooze? Honey, you sound like a runaway freight train that’s fallen asleep and is snoring when you sleep!”
“That doesn’t even make any sense!” Sandra shot back. “If the train is running away, how is it asleep?!?”
The cook, who had just finished injecting something the color of chloroform into two slices of key lime pie, hissed at the waitress and nodded towards the couple. The waitress rolled her eyes again and gave him a look that clearly said what the **** do you think I’m trying to do?
“Trains don’t sleep anyway, dumbass!” George shot back. “It’s a metaphor!”
“You wouldn’t know a metaphor if it leaped up at you and sank it’s fangs into your throat!” Sandra screeched.
The only other customer, an older pale man with red rimmed eyes and a trucker’s cap, licked a single drop of blood from his lips and fangs at this.
“Welcome to Lugosi’s.” The waitress repeated gamely. “Would you like some PIE?”
“Metaphors don’t have fangs! Jesus Christ, what the hell was I thinking bringing you on this trip? Separate vacations from now on! That’s the only thing that’s going to save this marriage!”
“The only thing that could save this marriage is you having the balls to stand up to your boss!”
George sputtered in fury, sounding like a chainsaw eating through a brick wall.
Sandra laughed, sounding like a chipmunk luckily finding a full pecan pie in the dead of winter.
“Would you like some PIE?”
George found his voice. “If I had your father’s white cane right now, I’d-.”
“You’d what?” Sandra hissed in warning. “Lean against it because your limp dick is weighing you down so much?”
“I don’t have to sit here and listen to this ****!” George suddenly shouted, leaping up so suddenly the waitress took a step back.
“Fine! Just leave me here! I’ll get a ride with Hitcher here!” She gestured at the truck driver looking guy sitting near them.
Truck driver looking guy licked his fangs again.
“Fine!” George shouted, storming out.
“Fine!” Sandra shouted, following him.
Within a minute, their black escalade was burning rubber out of the parking lot.
The cook finally broke the blessed silence that had fallen. “Why didn’t you just mesmerize them into ordering pie?”
"Like I could get a bloody word in edgewise!" The waitress snapped. "Besides, I didn’t see you jumping out here to try it!” The waitress snapped.
“I think we’re better off not eating them, O-M-F-G.” One of the teenagers observed.
The rest nodded in agreement.
Posted 02 May 2010 - 10:03 PM
Reminds me of Mulder and Scully arguing in Bad Blood.
SCULLY: Well, I can neither confirm nor deny agent Mulder's version of events which occurred outside my presence. MULDER: And I can neither confirm nor deny agent Scully's version of events, but, um...
SCULLY: Anyway... I was drugged.
MULDER: That is ... essentially, exactly the way it happened.
[Fade to black]
MULDER VOICE OVER: Except for the part about the buck teeth.