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maybe i can think of something after all


12 replies to this topic

#1
Undome Telcontar

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here's what i'm managed to come up with so far:

I thought it had ended, but no; that imperfect cadence drew me back. Back into a wretched symphony of lives broken and dreams crushed beneath broken brickwork and flickering neon.

Just once, he thought bitterly, as he pulled a tin of baked beans out of the cupboard and flicked through the bread for a slice without green on. Just once, i'd like to think of a comeback to that bitch the same goddamn week.

He stood alone at the edge of the world, and gazed out into vast nothingness. Could steal inside a man's mind, that empty black; take his soul, reduce him to madness or worse. But he was no longer mere man.

"It's alright! I'm here for you. Just hold on, I can't hurry this!"

wish i could come up with something good, but i don't have time, i have multiple assignments to be doing.

edit: goddammit forgot formatting

Edited by Undome Telcontar, 04 December 2009 - 03:46 PM.


#2
Undome Telcontar

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Two huge dark eyes stared adoringly up at me, the last of her tears silently merging with the rivulets of blood running from her hairline, and dripping down on to the pale bluish swell of her right breast, as beautiful as the rest of her. As I gazed down in wonder, I could hardly believe she had finally reached fifteen today; it seemed only yesterday I had held her in my arms, tiny and so fragile, in the delivery room. Now she'd always be fifteen, always my little girl, she could stay protected from the horrors of the world in this room, here with me.

#3
Sonny

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That last one is really good. I am beginning to think I like the longer ones better. Which defeats the purpose of this exercise. Haha

#4
Undome Telcontar

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thanks, but i'm not so sure. to me, it's not so much the opening lines as the entire story.

#5
Undome Telcontar

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It's been eight years that the strings have been pulling on me from heights unknown, eight years since i felt human, or had any purpose or objective. Dear whoever's listening, for christmas this year I'd like a name, just a name. Is that unreasonable?

#6
Cashmere

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The daddy's little girl one is so creepy that it makes me squirm. My favorite is the moldy bread one because I can totally picture it.

#7
ShadowDog

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How did I miss giving feedback on this one? I thought I commented on them all.

Anyway, I agree, these were both creepy and good, with is a harder combination to pull off than some people might think.

#8
Sheep Murderer

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The daddy's little girl one is so creepy that it makes me squirm.

I like it, but it keeps giving me Sweeney Todd flashbacks.

#9
Undome Telcontar

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how so?

The daddy's little girl one is so creepy that it makes me squirm. My favorite is the moldy bread one because I can totally picture it.


that was pretty much the idea for both of them. excellent. :D

thanks dex! it took a lot of rewriting to get the creepy factor (i don't really have a line as far as these things go, so i can't judge very well) and keep it within the 3 sentence limit.

#10
Sheep Murderer

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Judge: "I have news for you my friend. In order to shield her from the evils of this world, I have decided to marry my dear Johanna."
He raised her from an infant after her mother went mad.

You just keep forcing Johnny Depp singing "epiphany" into my head, that's all.

#11
GreenLightBaby

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He stood alone at the edge of the world, and gazed out into vast nothingness. Could steal inside a man's mind, that empty black; take his soul, reduce him to madness or worse. But he was no longer mere man.

Out of all of them, this is what I want to read more about. I really like the way you crafted this one because it's more lyrical then the rest of them.

#12
Undome Telcontar

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that's my favourite too, a line i've had in my head for weeks/months now... i'm not sure i want to sully it by writing a potentially weak story from it. i'll probably give it a go at some point, but first i have like 4 other stories to start/finish. physics degree = not conducive to creative writing.

#13
GreenLightBaby

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that's my favourite too, a line i've had in my head for weeks/months now... i'm not sure i want to sully it by writing a potentially weak story from it. i'll probably give it a go at some point, but first i have like 4 other stories to start/finish. physics degree = not conducive to creative writing.


I go a BS in Biochem so yeah I understand where you're coming from. Don't you love scientific academia where they beat the creativity out of you? ;) Took me 10 years to get my writing mojo back.



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