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Little Red


8 replies to this topic

#1
Dave Dark

Dave Dark

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Give your fears a face and ears, a rhyming tongue and a style quite queer; a cane profane, dark suede shoes. Hearts and necks it will chew, ride your back, shiver through and through. You know not what you do.

big bad

Chump.

I can see him from my dank corner. His words are greasy like his hair.

Chump liver.

Sniffing the air reveals the faint aroma of onions. His talk stinks and makes my eyes burn.

Chump suey.

In pieces he's much slimier than I imagined. I don't need to make the broth I bought earlier.

a wolf at the door

Bomb.

My ears perk up. Some woman with a webbed tongue has piqued their interest.

Bombshell.

Her sticky turns of phrase make the man across from her squirm and flap like a fly. He sees her through shards so he can focus elsewhere – more interested in breaking into the lobster meat on his plate.

Bomb shelter & Bomb squad.

Flyboy orders dessert and speeds off to the bathroom. I use this break in the program to preview my own. I reach the table as I hear the sink turn on.

"You get off in an hour."

She lets loose a snarling laugh, meant to remind me of my place and shock my neckhairs. I like this one.

"Not if you do."

I point to the men's room.

"He pay you for the whole night or something?"

Her fingers sting my cheek. The game is on.



Red wire.

I settle down the manager so I can avoid interruptions. She orders ice cream. I bring her strawberries. I watch her from behind his head as he feeds her one. Wrong.

Blue wire.

Flyboy's buzzing and waves like we're old friends. She looks me up and down as he counts out his bills. I lick my lips until he jabs me in the chest with the check. Wrong.

Yellow wire.

I bring back his change with sweaty hands. His wallet comes out and I spill my guts. Then his fist c0cks back and he's ready to fight—until her lips touch mine. She loves to run the show. His shock is directly proportionate to my arousal. Right.

the honeymoon is over

Chomp.

I kiss the bite marks on her neck as she reclines.

Chomp.

I pat her stomach.

"Too bad you didn't pass on those strawberries."

Chomp.

I shower, dress and exit while she slumbers. Before I close the door behind me, I slip the spare key I expected out from under the welcome mat.




the waltz

Moving the brass key between my fingers I smile to myself. The daisies do little to distract me—her scent approaches. She ignores my bench and drinks from a fountain. I can hear her swallow.

Ring.

Oh hey! I didn't see you this morning.

(1) Well I was gone before you woke up. I had things to do.

I watch her bite her tongue into submission. The desperation spurs me on.

(2) But I'm coming over later to make up for it.

Great! I'll make dinner.

(3) I bet your cooking is fantastic.

She giggles and we exchange schedules and goodbyes.

Knock knock.

"You know, to be honest… not that I think you'd do this… I was just worried you wouldn't… I was afraid you wouldn't come."

(1) "Is that all you're afraid of?"

"Well, no. But that's hardly dinner conversation."

(2) "I've always been afraid of fire. And loud noises."

She laughs. "Wow, really?"

"Goddamnit, yes really! Why else would I say it!" A slip. This could cost me.

"God, I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd be sensitive about it. It's okay. Me, I'm claustrophobic. And I guess I really hate the dark. Not being able to see things, y'know? I don't really think about it, but I always turn a light on right when I get home at night."

Almost too easy.

(3) Oh dear. We can leave the lights on, then.

And we did.




no no no no no no no no

Who's afraid of the big bad wolf, baby?

When key turns, so do I. Lilacs and Lever 2000. An oven and dirty dishes. Her excitement.

My, what ears.

She turns and sighs. Her breath goes ragged when I enter the room.

"I own a gun!"

The fear draws me. Webs worked on Flyboy—I have no wings.

"Just… take what you want, just don't h… hurt me."

"Hurt? Why, what did you think I was here for dear?"

My, what eyes.

Her body begins to tremble. My snarl makes it worse. I watch her neckhairs stand on end.

A tear trickles down her face, drips onto her hand.

It tastes like red wine.

My, what teeth.

Breasts and ears, chewy thighs and crunchy spine.

I tower over what's left, even on my knees—smother it.

Darkness hides the messy bits.

#2
Brando

Brando

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Good. I like it, very interesting and a nice take on an old story.

#3
Nixie

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i like it! a lot. which should mean a lot after i tell you that im really tired of these retellings and reimaginings of old stories. so you did good. :)

it was a little incoherent in places. but maybe you wanted that i dont know. it was just hard to follow what was going on in the beginning who was speaking and exactly what happened. was she on a date with someone else and the wolf came in and ended up dating her instead? was the wolf a waiter? it was just confusing. and again at the end i didnt understand how they went from being lovers to her being scared when he comes in. it was good but it was also hard to follow what the heck was happening.

#4
Dave Dark

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Brando: thanks for reading and I like that you liked it. haha.

Nixie: okay first, it didn't start off as a retelling. I got inspired by a painting that justsohappened to be of a big bag wolf-type character. by the time I got towards the end of the story I had my heart set on him actually being a wolf, and I needed a creepy way to end it... so I stole wholesale from the old moral-type story. haha. I was hoping it wouldn't come off as a full-on retelling but it's cool, especially since you liked it despite your initial feelings.

and I totally agree. writing this was one of the most painful experiences I've ever had. I'm a much wordier writer so to come up with something like this I really had to force it out.... practically yank it out of my head sentence by sentence. so, it came out choppy and jagged and pointy and half the stuff that happened in my head didn't make it onto the "paper". but, you just so happen to be spot on. she was indeed on a date with another man (Flyboy), when the main character (I've been calling him Big Bad since I started writing) swoops in with his smooth talk and attempts to disarm her while he calmly waits on their table.

as for the ending, I think I just left too much up to the imagination. but here's my defense:

When key turns, so do I.


was meant to signify his change into full-on Big Bad. he's more wolf than man now and he's completely unrecognizable. his mind revolves completely around his wolf senses and he's on the hunt. he's got the nose, the ears and the teeth and it's time to chow down. I'm now regretting not hitting the enter button and making that a standalone sentence. gives it more weight.

#5
Sonny

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I don't know if this is good or bad but your writing style is probably the closest to mine of anyone who posts here. I tend to write unconventional stories from unconventional points of view. So I for one loved this and I would not have changed a single word. I liked that you gave the reader room to let his imagination run and fill in some of the pieces.

Good work! And this is my honest opinion. Haha.

#6
IMericka

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I so completely appreciate this story, at least halfway because I know what an effort it is for you to try to be so minimal.

My main criticism is that it feels a bit forced, almost like you yanked it out of yourself word by word. I think style kinda got in the way of story here, and that's why instead of straight-forward and minimal it reads as kinda complicated and cryptic. When you're going for a minimalist story the main thing is to be really selective with your words... it's a good idea to choose words that have more than one meaning because they're so economical, but you kinda take one step forward and two steps back when you get overly metaphorical.

The few other issues I had can really be blamed on the style thing, so I don't really count them as added criticisms. Other than that, just a formatting question -- is your enter button stuck? ;)

I'm sure you'd rather not, but I'd like to see this reworked... or at least see you try this style again. I know you've got it in you and if it's a muscle you're interested in toning it would definitely be interesting to see you work it out.

All criticisms aside, this was still a really good read, and I totally love that you approached it from a dark place. I liked that the wolf was consistently sinister from beginning to end, and "darkness hides the messy bits" is a fantastic line that I am way jealous of.

#7
Copper

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I found this endlessly entertaining, and much more comprehensible with an ending. (heh, compared to last time I read this, it's a masterpiece!)

After I read it through this third time, I agree with nixie AND with sonny- it's kind of incomprehensible in places, but I like that. I like the reader to take their own interpretation of the story and make it creepier for themselves. Good job Dave.

#8
Guest_gloryforixseal_*

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I have done something bad to my pc. The darn white box with the red x happens everwhere. Even here

At the moment all the little icons showing under Font and Size above are all white boxes with red xs. I am going insane

What have I done? Does anyone know?
me

#9
Antilla

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What have I done? Does anyone know?


I no know

Edited by Antilla, 28 November 2009 - 12:54 PM.




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