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Holy Day


13 replies to this topic

#1
Kung Fu Jawa

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Holy Day.


Adam woke up. He didnít need an alarm to break into his dreams, he rose before the dawn. Today was his Holy Day and he hadnít missed it in 20 years.

Adam rose from his bed. His eyes were shut, but having them open in the total darkness wouldnít have helped. He walked easily through the house unclothed and blind. Rarely did today fall exactly on the same calendar date every year. It was generally around April 1st, but could vary a week or two in either direction. When asked, Adam couldnít tell how he knew what day it was going to be, but you knew he was never wrong. He would say that everyone knows when it happens; they just need to stop and listen.

Adam slipped quietly through the back door and stepped into the back yard. The dew was cool and made the grass feel like silk on his bare feet. Only the Starshine was there to reveal his unvarying tracks across the lawn and into the open field. He stopped at the top of a gentle rise and breathed.

The air was soft with only a whisper of wind. It lazily wound itself around his naked body and he welcomed it into his nose. It shared secrets of ripe honeysuckle buds and infant lilies ready to burst open.

Atoms of dirt squeezed between his lips lodged themselves in the bumps and crevices of his tongue. He could taste its richness and energy; taste the Earth that was about to birth the crop planted a score ago. He savored his breakfast.

Finally, Adam gracefully slid his eyelids up. Ten thousand dots of light from the early morning sky flew through his cornea and implanted themselves on his retina. There, the gods played out their stories. He faced the bluing East and watched. His feet were rooted to the Earth as the East grew brighter and bluer. The birds were waking and telling each other the good news. He took a sharp breath as the Sunís corona broke the horizon.

The world woke with a roar and came crashing to his ears. The flowers exploded from their pods like newborn volcanoes, spewing scent instead of lava. The corn, long struggling to reach to air, made last lurches and cried out as their fingers found no more resistance. The birds flew and sang in ecstasy in the new day. Adam smiled broadly and stretched his arms out wide in welcome as he offered his prayer:

ďThank You.Ē

#2
Richcelt

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Spring has sprung. :D

Short but sweet. You definately captured the theme of the senses. Great visuals. :thumbsup:

#3
Copper

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First of all, bravo. This is quite short, but it doesn't need another word. It's a celebration, and it makes the readers heart warm with a smile and understanding. You chose an excellent name, Adam. It helps to root him to this exaltation of spring because of the biblical reference.

There, the gods played out their stories. He faced the bluing East and watched. His feet were rooted to the Earth as the East grew brighter and bluer. The birds were waking and telling each other the good news. He took a sharp breath as the Sun's corona broke the horizon.

Excellent imagery. I not only saw this, I felt it.

The flowers exploded from their pods like newborn volcanoes, spewing scent instead of lava.

Good use of similie.

Nice job, Carl. :thumbsup:

#4
ShadowDog

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WOO HOO!! I was disappointed when I heard a rumor that you wouldn't be participating in this particular contest because you needed to recharge your creative batteries. So I'm very glad that you got recharged in time because this was fantastic. :P

This was my favorite part:

Ten thousand dots of light from the early morning sky flew through his cornea and implanted themselves on his retina. There, the gods played out their stories.


Just as a purely technical note, having the first three paragraphs start out with the same word was a little distracting to me personally. I seriously doubt anyone else even noticed it and it's a completely retarded observation, but there it is. :blush: And it doesn't detract from a great story one little bit.

#5
Kung Fu Jawa

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Thanks guys. Sorry about the triple Adams, there Shadowdog. I was tought that you shouldn't start talking about someone in a given paragraph by using a pronoun. You had to say their proper name. Even though I have eschewed most of my education, this stuck with me for some reason. It is a bit jarring, I'll fix it after the contest. Thanks for the pointer.

#6
ShadowDog

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I wouldn't have even brought it up had this been written by anyone else. But I've noticed that you really like to get into the nuts and bolts of the writing process.

Here's something that really bugs me, to show you where my mind is usually at:

"I'm going to be fine, Mother." Andy said.

"Your father just said some things. It made me a little paranoid." I replied.

"You have nothing to worry about, I only have six more months of duty left."

"I know. Let's talk about something else." I whined.


After a while everything starting with a speech begins to bug me and I'd prefer people break up the monotony with something like:

"I'm going to be fine, Mother." Andy said.

"Your father just said some things. It made me a little paranoid." I replied.

"You have nothing to worry about, I only have six more months of duty left."

My voice was falling into a whine. "I know. Let's talk about something else."


Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled story replies! :lol:

#7
Kung Fu Jawa

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Yeah, I get what you're saying. When I write dialog I tend to do stuf like that too. Mostly, I try to go back and fix it, but sometimes it stays. I also hate ending everything with ",he said."
One of the other things I've retained from High School is the not start consecutive sentances with the same word. I probably wasn't paying attention when they said to not do it with paragraphs either.

#8
ShadowDog

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I got into a long argument with author A. C. Crispin ("V" novelizations, some Star Trek novels, the Starbridge series) at a DragonCon one year on this very subject. She believes that the word "said" is something the eye just passes over. "It's a generic word and no one pays attention to it." I disagreed strongly saying that it's better to change it up so that your writing doesn't get stale. But she argued that changing it up is distracting. Using words like "replied," "whined," "challenged," etc slow people down and distract them. We parted company with both of us still strongly believing what we believe. :lol:

What can I say? Each to his or her own. :shrug:

#9
Doomtrain

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I got into a long argument with author A. C. Crispin ("V" novelizations, some Star Trek novels, the Starbridge series) at a DragonCon one year on this very subject. She believes that the word "said" is something the eye just passes over. "It's a generic word and no one pays attention to it." I disagreed strongly saying that it's better to change it up so that your writing doesn't get stale. But she argued that changing it up is distracting. Using words like "replied," "whined," "challenged," etc slow people down and distract them. We parted company with both of us still strongly believing what we believe. :lol:

What can I say? Each to his or her own. :shrug:



I'm with you on this one. I spend more time figuring out how to use something besides 'said' in my writing than I do on the actual dialog, most of the time. It bugs the hell out of me when a good writer has two or three solid pages of 'said' in every other line. Some people might skim over it, but I can't.

#10
Mara Jade Skywalker

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Very good!

Just as a purely technical note, having the first three paragraphs start out with the same word was a little distracting to me personally. I seriously doubt anyone else even noticed it and it's a completely retarded observation, but there it is. :blush: And it doesn't detract from a great story one little bit.


I thought the same thing.

Another "editorial" comment:

Atoms of dirt squeezed between his lips lodged themselves in the bumps and crevices of his tongue.


You have two verbs here: squeezed and lodged. Are you trying to say that "atoms of dirt squeezed between his lips AND lodged themselves in the bumps and crevices of his tongue," or "atoms of dirt, squeezed between his lips, lodged themselves in the bumps and crevices of his tongue"? The way the sentence is written now makes it read as a fragment.

I like your imagery. :thumbsup:

#11
Nixie

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we just talked about this in school! this is more of a character sketch than a story right? i just had to do one of these. this one would have gotten 100 for sure. :) i like it. :)

#12
Kung Fu Jawa

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Actually, it has very little to do with character. Buddhists believe in living in the present, this one point of time. It's all that ever exists; there is no future and no past. My story is how every day would be if we really practiced that and how hyper-aware we would become to our surroundings.

Mara... I had that sentence worded differently, and then went back and changed it. I guess I overlooked something. I'll fix it after the contest. Thanks for pointing it out.

#13
LadyGuinevere

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I didn't read this, I saw it :) You have a wonderful descriptive cabability :thumbsup: Great piece!

The starting of the first three paragraphs with the same words/name was something that caught my eye also, but not as much as it usually does for some reason.

Dex, I think we've discussed the 'said' thing before - I wholeheartedly agree with you. I hate the overuse of the word by some authors. My eye does not read over it, it picks it up when used more than a couple of times close together. It's something I go out of my way to avoid, and also the starting of too many paragraphs in a row with speech. Sometimes it's necessary, but there's usually a way around it.

#14
Nixie

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i understand now thank you. :) i cant do that but it would be nice and make me happy wouldnt it? :P



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