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"Tomorrow For Yesterday"


16 replies to this topic

#1
Richcelt

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Deleted

Edited by Richcelt, 16 August 2012 - 07:52 AM.


#2
Kung Fu Jawa

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Her hand found his face and moved to towards hers.

Say what?

as he heard Janet's footsteps cross from the bedroom to the front door. It took her one more step to reach it than it did for him, given their difference in height.

I really REALLY like that, but I think it might have more impact if you left off the height comment. But itís a really great sentiment and shows how well he knows her. Instead of remarking on her beauty like a sighted person would, this shows his intimacy with her on his terms. Good form.

I wish I had a keyboard handy so I could fiddle with the notes at the end. If Iím hearing it right in my head, the D minor is quite sad.

Stylistically, the interspersion of his song throughout the piece is a nice touch and paves a path to the end.

You seem to be the only writer here that researches for his stories. OR maybe you already know this stuff. Either way, imbuing your character with the knowledge of 440 being the standard, concert pitch grounds your story and gives it sincerity. Tom is an utterly believable character.

Good work. :thumbsup:

#3
Richcelt

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Her hand found his face and moved to towards hers.

Say what?


Ah, for want of an "it". Fixed. I'll address the rest at a later time.

#4
LadyGuinevere

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Either you do a lot of research (as before), or you're a pretty good pianist of your own accord :) I'm actually rather curious as to which, lol!

I absolutely love that first paragraph. So much is told about Tom as a person without actually saying much at all.

#5
Copper

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Very nice job Fred. The way you interspersed the song throughout the story to mirror the plot was ingenious. I felt like I knew Tom, and I enjoyed (ask much as you can enjoy someones misery) the last few paragraphs a lot.

I've got my work cut out for me.

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#6
ShadowDog

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Very nice! The one thing I didn't like was his song choice as his girlfriend was leaving. That seemed really coldblooded, even hateful, to me. As if he were telling her "fine, leave, and allow me to show you exactly how little I give a **** by giving you some marching music." It had the sublty of a hammer to the head. Don't get me wrong, I'm irritated with the character Tom, not the writer you. It was petty and meanspirited of him.

But that's part of the story and I liked the story. :thumbsup:

#7
Richcelt

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as he heard Janet's footsteps cross from the bedroom to the front door. It took her one more step to reach it than it did for him, given their difference in height.

I really REALLY like that, but I think it might have more impact if you left off the height comment. But it's a really great sentiment and shows how well he knows her. Instead of remarking on her beauty like a sighted person would, this shows his intimacy with her on his terms. Good form.


The main point was that he knew exactly how many steps it took for him to cover that distance, and that he was barely consciously counting how many she took. He has to know that number to keep him from hitting the door. Given his height and longer stride, he needs less. It's a comparison of the two of them. Maybe poorly written comparison though.


I wish I had a keyboard handy so I could fiddle with the notes at the end. If I'm hearing it right in my head, the D minor is quite sad.


Yeah, it is a bit sad, but it's there mainly as a two beat transition from the F to the G. I used it, and if you play it out you'll notice the E minor there too, in place of my usual A minor progression.

Stylistically, the interspersion of his song throughout the piece is a nice touch and paves a path to the end.

You seem to be the only writer here that researches for his stories. OR maybe you already know this stuff. Either way, imbuing your character with the knowledge of 440 being the standard, concert pitch grounds your story and gives it sincerity. Tom is an utterly believable character.

Good work. :thumbsup:



Either you do a lot of research (as before), or you're a pretty good pianist of your own accord :) I'm actually rather curious as to which, lol!

I absolutely love that first paragraph. So much is told about Tom as a person without actually saying much at all.


I was a musician long before I was a historian, and even longer before I was writing prose like this. Because of an awful teacher I had at the age of 9, music became my only creative outlet for a LONG time. So, I am already familier with A 440 and what that means. I'm also a passable piano player (I self-taught myself all of the WRONG things to do) and have written about 30+ songs, of varying quality. "Tomorrow For Yesterday" is one of them, which I wrote about 15 years ago (that was just the first verse and chorus). I got the idea, the song fit perfectly, so... voila! :D

(The only research I had to do was to make sure that "What'd I Say" was the actual title.)

Very nice! The one thing I didn't like was his song choice as his girlfriend was leaving. That seemed really coldblooded, even hateful, to me. As if he were telling her "fine, leave, and allow me to show you exactly how little I give a **** by giving you some marching music." It had the sublty of a hammer to the head. Don't get me wrong, I'm irritated with the character Tom, not the writer you. It was petty and meanspirited of him.

But that's part of the story and I liked the story. :thumbsup:



Two things here. First, the song is for him, not her. She considers him a dead beat, he knows this, so he plays the "dead beat" song as a form of self-flagulation as it were. It's self-hatred. Second, I stole this from the movie Ray. Ray's mistress is packing up to leave him as he is fine tuneing the song. He uses it to keep her around for a little while longer. In my scenario, it didn't work.

Glad you all enjoyed. :D

Edited by Richcelt, 17 April 2007 - 08:51 PM.


#8
Kung Fu Jawa

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as he heard Janet's footsteps cross from the bedroom to the front door. It took her one more step to reach it than it did for him, given their difference in height.

I really REALLY like that, but I think it might have more impact if you left off the height comment. But it's a really great sentiment and shows how well he knows her. Instead of remarking on her beauty like a sighted person would, this shows his intimacy with her on his terms. Good form.


The main point was that he knew exactly how many steps it took for him to cover that distance, and that he was barely consciously counting how many she took. He has to know that number to keep him from hitting the door. Given his height and longer stride, he needs less. It's a comparison of the two of them. Maybe poorly written comparison though.

Okay then. Since he's blind, I assumed that knowing the number of steps it took him to reach the door was second nature to him. The way the sentences flow, I got the impression that he was remarking on her footsteps, not the narrator. Now I feel the exact opposite about him from what I said before. There's nothing there that makes him seem care much after all. Which is odd since her leaving is suppose to imspire his first original song.

#9
Richcelt

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Argh! I can't win here. I think I just discovered an area where my writing needs to improve. I'm defending/explaining my character's motivations too much after the fact and apparently not enough in the actual story.

Carl, you had him pegged right the first time. He's not that selfish, at least internally. He knows Janet, just not in a way that others might know someone. He knows how tall she is compared to him. He can't see that difference, but he can feel it. He knows it by how many steps she needs to take to cross the room compared to him. You had it right, just not quite for the right reason.

He knows his limitations and knows why she's mad at him and leaves him. He plays "Hit the Road, Jack" as an affirmation of why she's leaving. He comes off as callous to her, but it's when she walks out the door that he drops the wall and looks inside. There, he finds his song.

#10
ShadowDog

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That all makes sense, but he's still a dick. :lol: Which is fine, there are some in the world and they need their stories told too. :P

#11
Nixie

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this is sad but good! :) the music stuff was very interesting and i had to ask my father some questions about that. :lol:

#12
Richcelt

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What kind of questions?

#13
Doomtrain

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It's these kind of stories that make me bitterly regret that I have no musical talent. My sister's mastered at least 4 instruments that I can think of, my parents sing like friggin' birds, and I feel like a moron whenever anyone asks me what I play.

Very well written, though. Any story that can have this many people discussing the main character like he's an actual person deserves praise.

#14
Nixie

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What kind of questions?


whats a 440 or 435? stuff like that. :)

#15
Mara Jade Skywalker

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Very nice!

I had the same problem as ShadowDog with him playing "Hit the Road Jack." Your explanation of why he played it is very good (self-flagellation), but to me it came across more as "fine, leave, see if I care."

#16
Richcelt

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A 440 refers to the note on the piano and the pitch frequency that one hears when it's played, specifically 440Hz. Every note played on any instrument carries a certain frequency (similar to a radio frequency you would tune into to get your favorite radio station). Frequency, of course, measures the vibrations, in this case, of the sound waves. The A key above Middle C on a piano (I got it wrong in the story; I thought it was the A below :shrug: ) has the frequency of 440 Hz and is considered "pure" (most notes carry a point-something-or-other), and is most frequently used to tune to for all instruments. It is known as the "Concert pitch" because of this. The random notes one might hear before a concert is played usually unifies into a single note that all of the instruments tune to before they start; that's concert pitch A 440 (ideally).

Tom's hearing is so finely tuned he knows exactly what every note is supposed to sound like (known as "perfect pitch"). He can hear when the note on the piano is off from the freqency that it is supposed to be, and can guess just how far off the frequency is. I picked A 440 because it is the most widely known, especially to me. :D

As an example and point of reference, I looked up Wikipedia's page on piano key frequencies so you could see the difference.

Any other questions?

#17
Richcelt

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but to me it came across more as "fine, leave, see if I care."


There's an element of that, I suppose. A callous side, tough shell, or "stiff upper lip", if you will that he is showing to her, even as he's beating himself up over it. At the end though, you can see that her leaving did have the "desired" effect, and that he is pained by it. That, of course, inspires everything about the song; music, lyrics, and the fact that it's his first original piece.



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