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"Thump!"


16 replies to this topic

#1
Richcelt

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Deleted

Edited by Richcelt, 16 August 2012 - 07:29 AM.


#2
Undome Telcontar

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it's a good story, but i think the "thump!" parts are too comedic for a postapocalyptic tragedy. maybe if the exclamation marks weren't there, it would be a more final sound; thump. the end.

and there are a couple of spelling mistakes- layer for lair, and another one that i've lost. :hmm:

oh, and i think "What do we do now Todd," Angie said with fear in her voice.

would be far better as "What do we do now, Todd?" Angie said fearfully.

thats all, i think. nice job though, i enjoyed it. i've always wanted to write a post nuclear earth story.

#3
Nixie

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great! another depressing story. :lol: its good though! i liked the history since the nuclear war that all made sense.

my father says that most large insects arent possible because the exoskeleton structure only works with very small creatures. the bigger such a creature gets the stronger they have to be to overcome the gravity on their exoskeleton. there is a point where they just cant get any bigger. he says that the same is true of spiders because of how they breathe. too big and they'd suffocate. he says bugs are the size they are for a reason its not random.

but liked it and it gave me the heebie jeebies so i dont care about all that. :)

#4
Richcelt

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UT: Good eyes and good suggestions. Fixed! :D

Nixie: Yeah, I was aware of those problems with their chitin skin and breathing and all, which is why I had the nuclear effects geneticaly alter them to allow it.

#5
ShadowDog

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This is cool. Lotta action, lotta well laid out future history. Good stuff! :thumbsup:

Really cool paragraph:

He picked up Angie's torch and scrambled through the tunnel. He lost everyone. That much was certain. He hadn't counted on there being more than one spiker. He definitely hadn't counted on encountering klacks there either. He was the only survivor. His mind recalled their names: Michael Figueiredo, Kyle Spicer, Jeff Morgan, Dean Lee, Melissa Thacher, Jason Webb, and Angela Barrus. His Angela. He could feel the tears streaming down his face as he ran through the tunnel. As long as he lived he would never forget any of them.


That ^ is really well done.

I wonder if the below paragraph would work better broken up rather than lumped together:

Todd just about gave the order when something else appeared. Not just one, but no less than four spikers appeared from the tunnels the klacks hadn't used. The spikers charged in as did the klacks. "NOW!" Todd shouted. With a thump the pressurized air fired the spear at the nearest klack and took it down. Thump, thump, and two more klacks fell. Todd grabbed Angie and hauled her up through the tunnel. He could hear the pandemonium from behind him. Clacking and hissing and screaming all echoed up the tunnel.


But it depends on what you had in mind for the pacing. If you wanted it very energetic and chaotic, I'd say leave it as it was.

#6
Copper

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A enjoyable read. I liked the history that you provided, it made the story feel more real. And boy do I hate spiders! *shudders* I actually had a run in with one today.

The only criticism I have, and it's small, is that it felt a bit rushed. I would have enjoyed it more if the creepiness of whatever tunnels they were in was expanded upon, the general feelings of the group.

Nice one Fred. :thumbsup:

edit: apparently I don't know how to spell.

Edited by Copper, 21 March 2007 - 10:18 AM.


#7
Richcelt

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Yeah it was a little bit rushed, but I did it late last night, and I didn't want it to turn into a 10 page story (4 pgs. was enough). This is one of those ideas that I could turn into an epic story, but I don't need another one.

#8
LadyGuinevere

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I very much enjoyed the post-apocalyptic history :) Although you explained what we needed to know, you left enough open through their own gaps in history. Their flight from the cave is also very realistic :thumbsup: The bit about the skin bubble makes me shiver :thumbsup:

The only thing I wasn't entirely sure of is why they were there in the first place - standard hunting party or looking for Sam?

#9
Richcelt

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The only thing I wasn't entirely sure of is why they were there in the first place - standard hunting party or looking for Sam?


Both actually. Sorry, I didn't explain that part. (see above)

#10
Good God a Bear

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Loved the action. Most of the critiques I would have had was listed above. Great story overall!

#11
Kung Fu Jawa

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Here's the other spelling error:

Most lizards increased in side, much like the spiders and ants did.


Cool story. Great opening line. It sets up what's to come so well. We know it's in the future, that humans are on the defensive against something that was either previously a minor species, or not there at all.

I liked the Thump theme. I didn't think it was too comedic, unless they were all exclamitory before my reading. Then I could kind of see it.

What I love about your last couple of submissions is the mix of fact with your fiction. Putting the University of California in there was great. As was the setting of "Chasing the Sun" Really nice aspect to a story. I might try this sometime.

There was so much imphasis on the spikes being loners that I was really expecting a colony of them to be at the end of the tunnel. You kind of did thast, but not on the scale I was expecting. I was betting that there'd be a great number and that they were TOTALLY sentient. What I got out of what you did was that this is another part of their evolution. In true Darwinian fashion, an aspect of an animal that promotes a greater chance of survival (here it's a group mentality) will increase its potential to breed and pass along that aspect. The ants, lizards and humans already knew that, and the SPikes just got in the game. Excellent demonstration of the theme!

#12
Richcelt

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You know, I just realized something. KFJ is WAY too deep for me. I take things for the surface value, the way they are written, and he's able to dig right for the hidden layers and bring them to the surface.

What's funny, KFJ is that you even made interpretations of my story that I didn't even see or think of. As, I've already said, there is a lot more to this that I could have (should have) written that I didn't due to the late hour that I wrote it and the even longer length it would have ballooned to.

I did consider haveing them fall into a nest of just born spikers and get swarmed by them and the parents, but I also wanted the klacks there. If you wanted to take a more comedic look at the battle in the tunnel you could compare it to the movie Antz, where the ants attack the termite colony. Imagine shrinking humans down to that size and placing them into them middle of that (only instead of termites, they're spiders), and haveing the ants and spiders just as intent on killing them as they are on each other. I mentioned four spikers because that's all Todd had time to count before giving the order to run, but there were more on the way. Todd and his group are outclassed and outnumbered and in a threeway battle. I did want to make the spiker's more intelligent than they appeared, but couldn't figure out how. While they are normally loners, Todd's group did stumble onto a nest of them, which is why it was such a shock to see at least four of them. One is usually bad enough.

One more thing for you guys to wrap your brains around. I'm horrible at just thinking up names. If my characters are in a place where they'd have common, every-day, "normal" names, then I usually just reach for a phone book (an old gaming strategy) and pull random names from there. In this case, I couldn't find the phone book, so I grabbed one of Kim's old high school yearbooks. So, not only does every name in the story belong to a real person, Kim was friends with the REAL Todd Haser, and I even met him (so she tells me) at her high school reunion! (And I killed him off!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!! :devil: )

#13
Good God a Bear

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KFJ is WAY too deep for me.


Haha

#14
ShadowDog

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You're nasty. :lol:

That's interesting about the names Richcelt, I do the same thing but I go to babynames.com for all my first names. That's great because I can see what the names mean and add in that layer of pretense if I so desire. :P

#15
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What's funny, KFJ is that you even made interpretations of my story that I didn't even see or think of. As, I've already said, there is a lot more to this that I could have (should have) written that I didn't due to the late hour that I wrote it and the even longer length it would have ballooned to.

... I did want to make the spiker's more intelligent than they appeared, but couldn't figure out how.


I tend to over analyse things, and a lot of the times when I make comments like these, I'm afraid I'm dead wrong and the authors are all, "WTF?" Kind of like now.

But I think it's an interesting aspect and adds to the story. Not only do you have your intended adventure of a nest of Spikers, but you add onto the thematic element. Like you say, you wanted to show them as being more intellegent then previously thought, and a planned group attack shows that. Not only are they working in groups, but they can muster a tactical assault.

#16
Undome Telcontar

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for names, no one and nothing can beat 20000-names.com. i've used it for years, and it's never let me down. i mean, 20,000 names?!

#17
HANFAN

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Todd and his group are outclassed and outnumbered and in a threeway battle. I did want to make the spiker's more intelligent than they appeared, but couldn't figure out how. While they are normally loners, Todd's group did stumble onto a nest of them, which is why it was such a shock to see at least four of them. One is usually bad enough.


Oh. I missed that. I had read it as the three groups had joined together to destroy the humans. Which was one more step in their evolution.

I definately enjoyed the story though! :thumbsup:



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