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"Scarlett"


36 replies to this topic

#26
Copper

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Nixie, I alluded to a lot, and didn't say a great deal about Liam's marriage. So I'm going to point out a few things that I wrote to help guide the reader to the conclusion that Liam's marriage has been dead (emotionally, physically, just not legally) for some time now. This is just to expand on Carl's thoughts, as he pretty much has Liam's character figured out.

Lately, all he'd wanted to do was get out of the house, away from the white walls, pale wood floors and silvery artwork. He really should have taken a stand on the decorations; he knew even as he gave in that he would grow to hate them.


Here, I wrote about his desire to leave his home. He can't stand being there. All the colors I used to describe it are rather clinical, sharp and above all colorless. That was deliberate. The color is gone in his marriage. It was never even there to begin with.

He glanced at the small, framed photo of his wife beside his computer. She smiled, but it was her polite and rather distant smile of obligation, not the increasingly rare genuine smile that he'd been ensnared by.


Notice the word 'ensared'. I chose that deliberately. Originally, the sentence read this way: "not the increasingly rare genuine smile that he'd fallen in love with." but I changed it. What he had with his wife wasn't love. He wanted it to be, but it wasn't. He only has love for Scarlett. Everything he felt for his wife is shadows, in comparison.

Does that help?

edit: Thanks Good God a Bear. Really, I love to hear that people are enjoying my writing.

Edited by Copper, 21 March 2007 - 05:10 PM.


#27
Obi-Wan Cannoli

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That's really good stuff, Copper. You've managed to create a pair of complex and three-dimensional characters in a very limited space. Very nice work indeed. :thumbsup:

As to constructive criticism, the best advice that I can give you is to perhaps not make your readers work quite so hard at filling in some of the lesser (but still important) details of your story. I'm usually the first to point out that some things are best left to your readers' imaginations, but that advice doesn't apply to things that you want your readers to know.

If you want us to know that Liam is subconsciously drawing the dress for Scarlett (and considering that no one here seems to have picked up on that), you may want to consider elaborating on that point in the story. You don't necessarily have to state it outright, but you could craft your words in such a way that we would be able to draw that conclusion more easily.

Not to worry, though. This is only a minor setback that can easily be corrected in subsequent revisions. The rest of your story is still very strong.

Edited by Obi-Wan Cannoli, 22 March 2007 - 12:37 PM.


#28
ShadowDog

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What you say makes a lot of sense Copper. I had more the idea that they had loved each other at one time but that they didn't do enough work to keep it going and it just sort of faded away. But there are a lot of people who think they are in love and get married foolishly quickly and then feel compelled to stay because of the contract. So that makes sense.

He only has love for Scarlett. Everything he felt for his wife is shadows, in comparison.


That is a very cool turn of phrase! :thumbsup: <steals>

#29
Nixie

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i see what you mean kung and i think its valid but i cant stop thinking about this story and i got into a big argument with my friend stacy because she thinks liam is a scoundral because hes still married and i think she just rushed through the story. if you really read it you can see that liam is a nice guy and he has honest feelings for scarlett. hes not goingt to use her and throw her away like stacy thinks. :lol:

#30
Quicksand Inc.

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Wow! I really liked this! Once again April, you describe so much detail in your stories. And i really like that. It's one thing to have a lot of detail, but it's another thing to have a lot of detail and keep things moving, and keeping things interesting. And you did just that in this short story.


Here's my favorite pieces from the short story:

He glanced at the small, framed photo of his wife beside his computer. She smiled, but it was her polite and rather distant smile of obligation, not the increasingly rare genuine smile that he'd been ensnared by.


That part right there pretty much gives you the idea of Liams life in a nutshell. He's struggling, and it helps you understand seconds later in the story why he's so lustful towards Scarlett.


She was wearing a vibrant aqua button up shirt topped with a charcoal gray sweater. The cuffs and collar peeked out from beneath the soft sweater, and the buttons were undone all the way to the bottom of the sweater V-neck. It was her trademark, whether she knew it or not.


This section just rocks. It says so much about Liam and his lust towards Scarlett. Obviously, he's been checking her out from afar for weeks, and i just love the line 'it was her trademark, whether she knew it or not.'. That's just awesome.



Overall, i thought the story moved GREAT. Near perfect pacing. Sure, it got hot pretty quick in the office, but it's not like it isn't realistic or anything. Cuz that can TOTALLY happen. And being a short story, action generally moves pretty quick anyways. That's what i like so much about this story. It's a short story, and in general, there's so many vague features in a short story to where you have all of these questions and are wondering how this happened and how that happened and how they got from there to here, etc. You keep it pretty simple, and GIVE a lot of detail and it read so smooth.


Again, very nice!!! :)

#31
Nixie

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:lol: this story is a magnent! there are at least three people in this thread and maybe as many as five who have never replied to a book club story in their lives! you can bring them in copper! :)

pssst hey guys the other stories are good too. :P

#32
NumberSix

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Other stories?

...

Oh, hey. Wow.

(And just to clarify for Winch's benefit: if it helps, I actually PMed an explanation of my comment to Copper. Long story.)

#33
ShadowDog

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But it's not funny if you have to explain it!

#34
Copper

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One more self-indulgent response to my story and then I'm done, I swear!

If you want us to know that Liam is subconsciously drawing the dress for Scarlett (and considering that no one here seems to have picked up on that), you may want to consider elaborating on that point in the story. You don't necessarily have to state it outright, but you could craft your words in such a way that we would be able to draw that conclusion more easily.


Well, when I wrote it that was what I was seeing in my head. But I didn't write the scene the way I did so that the reader would necessarily get that information. If they thought he drew it for her, that's cool. If they didn't, it's okay too. I know a whole lot more about both of those characters than I actually wrote, things I didn't intend for the reader to know at all.

But that aside, I see what you're saying. Sometimes I get so into my characters heads that I forget other people can't see in there as well as I can.

Glad you enjoyed it, and David too!

#35
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:lol: this story is a magnent! there are at least three people in this thread and maybe as many as five who have never replied to a book club story in their lives! you can bring them in copper! :)

pssst hey guys the other stories are good too. :P


Yeah, I'm a rarity when it comes to posting in here, but i do lurk in here A LOT. I'm in here daily.

#36
Nixie

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my father rightly pointed out that two of the people i was teasing above are big brass with the power to smite me. :blush: ... hee hee ... just kidding folks. :blush:

#37
Tank

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split! bump!



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