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My Wild, Off the Wall, SPring Break Vacation
Posted 02 March 2007 - 01:20 PM
i wrote this back in 7th or 8th grade...i only know for sure it was during middle school. (6, 7, & 8)
now that i look back on it, it's cheesy and corny, but i still love it.
also, i didn't even write for any assignment, just the hell of it
and i olny had to change one sentence bc it was an inside joke nobody here would get
My Wild, Off The Wall, Spring Break Vacation
Hello. I'm Sofa King Wetodid. I live alone in a one-bedroom shack in the north. I had eight p*ssies but some people thought that was weird so I had to get rid of them, plus the fact that I was allergic to them. I loved those cats very, very much. But I'm not here to talk about them; I'm here to tell you all about my wild, off the wall vacation over spring break. I had a super, wacky time.
The mode of transportation I chose was a bus, a bus tour that is. Our first stop on the itinerary was the Hoover Dam. Aye Carumba! The Hoover Dam is really a site to see. The water shoots out at a speed of over a hundred miles per hour. That's a lot of dam power. I did see something disturbing while we were there, someone jumped off of the dam. The surprising part was that he didn't die. He was disfigured, and quivering all over the place like he was getting his freak on. One of his leg bones was protruding out through his skin at the knee and blood was gushing and squirting everywhere. The expression on that guy's face reminded me of someone looking at their face in the mirror the morning after they had fallen off a dam or tall building.
My next stop was, in a way, was cleavage city. I went to the Grand Canyon. I had to rent a donkey to get around on the canyon; I didn't really have to rent a donkey, it's just that I was too fat and lazy to walk. I had a run in with a very mean person. He picked up my camera and I told him that it was mine because I thought he had mistaken it for his own. Then he carried on about, "Oh you think I'm going to steal it because I'm black." He ranted on a little longer and on called me a white cracker and dissed my momma. Then he pulled out a gun and started to wave it around. He was so furious that he kicked my ass. I had to go rent a new donkey because that guy dislocated the poor thing's knee.
The next place I went to was a crappy state that I didn't want to go to but I had to because it was on the tour. It was Texas, or as I like to call it, well I don't like to call it because the long distance fee is preposterous. That place is Psycho Mania. The people of Texas have come to accept the "mentally disturbed" or crazy people to be more politically correct with the times. There were oodles of straightjacket stores; leather, flannel, vinyl, satin, Velcro, metal, cloth, silk, and nicely colored chain mail with flowers were the kinds of straightjackets they made. In the back yards people have family members tied to a dog run with his or her straightjacket strapped on. Hard Rock Cafe was selling flaming guitar straightjackets! A pale-skinned transvestite offered me to join the Hannibal Lector Club. I don't want to talk about my experience in Texas anymore except for this: hey Texas, now that I messed with you, whacha gonna do about it, you crazy, gun-wielding psychopaths?
It was quite easy to play "There's A Mexican" at our next destination, Mexico. We visited one of the jails, and they're not kidding about the twenty locks on the cell doors and the saying, "Ain't nobody want to go to no jail in Mexico." The people there were real dirty, dirty with their dancing that is. Mexico's traditional alcoholic beverage, "The Water," is more damaging than Vodka; so don't drink The Water straight in Mexico. We went on a tour of one of Mexico City's finest powdered sugar factories. It was a little intimidating because of all the people carrying automatic weapons, not to mention all the screaming and gun shots coming from the forbidden room in the execution hallway.
Now we head on to Miami for a nice relaxing visit to the beach. Here's some advice, don't go to Miami Beach during spring break. In one day I saw twenty-seven breasts, that's right twenty-seven. That's not an even number and don't ask me why. That place was an uncivilized, chaotic mess. Shouldn't kids be studying or be forced to go camping? We left as soon as possible because the drunks were coming out and started declaring, "Arson isn't a crime, it's a sexual tendency." They were totally wasted. Someone was rambling on about corn and that there were dead bodies everywhere. I didn't even get to see the Dolphin's Stadium to toilet paper it or do something to it to make me feel like a big man.
Next we went to the most racist, redneck, drunken state in the entire United States of America, South Carolina. We only had to stop there to gas up the bus. While the bus driver was refilling the tank I won five hundred dollars on a monkey knife fight. Man, those are some crazy rednecks. We stopped at Jimbo's Country Cafe and ordered raccoon burgers and opossum stew. We left with some good souvenirs. I got a double barrel shotgun, a rebel flag shirt, a tattoo of a red pickup truck, and a couple bottles of Roadkill Bar B. Q. Sauce.
West Virginia was next on the itinerary. It's a nice little state. A lot of young girls were pregnant; I guess they couldn't run faster than their brothers. During my visit in West Virginia, I got my first B.J. I got suckered into it though, when am I going to need a bike jack? I later figured out that it was used for motorcycles when you need to clean the bottom part that nobody ever sees. In other words I got screwed. The best part about this stop was when it ended.
New York. That's all I can say about it because of the crisis. One little person is going to cry about any comment I make towards New York. But as a New Yorker would say, "Bite me." I was having a swell time in the Big Apple, until five cameras and all the money I won was stolen from me. I got it all back because luckily, the guy who robbed me fell on the third rail trying to run away in the subway. BIZAP! It was the coolest thing to see him get electrocuted. He had the same look as the guy who jumped off the Hoover Dam. It was satisfying to watch him twitch in agony until a bum took a leak on the guy, which then caused his chest to explode, and I got spleen in my hair. The strip clubs was closed so we had to go to the stupid Statue of Liberty. Somebody fell off the first step on the statue. She was okay despite the fact that she fractured her skull in two places and some of her brain was oozing out on the cement. After a short visit to the hospital we went out for some Hot Pigeons. Hot Pigeons are like hot dogs with less pig rectum and dog lung. We left New York at sundown before the mutants came out of the sewer.
Now we head for home. As we arrive the bitter welcoming of colossal noses, rotting teeth, and irritating accents reminded me why I went on vacation. Back home in not so good old Canada. I'm not Canadian though, I'm just hiding out from the carnies of the Alaskan County Fair and also the United States government. The Canadian people, as a whole, are too stupid recognize a fugitive when they see one. The first month I lived here I was wearing the same orange jumpsuit and handcuffs. Soon I'll go back to America, but for now I need to take some cold showers because one of the Canadians touched me.
-Sofa King Wetodid
Posted 05 March 2007 - 03:12 AM
The expression on that guy's face reminded me of someone looking at their face in the mirror the morning after they had fallen off a dam or tall building.
He was so furious that he kicked my ass. I had to go rent a new donkey because that guy dislocated the poor thing's knee.
not to mention all the screaming and gun shots coming from the forbidden room in the execution hallway.
In one day I saw twenty-seven breasts, that's right twenty-seven. That's not an even number and don't ask me why.
During my visit in West Virginia, I got my first B.J. I got suckered into it though, when am I going to need a bike jack?
It was satisfying to watch him twitch in agony until a bum took a leak on the guy, which then caused his chest to explode, and I got spleen in my hair.
Soon I'll go back to America, but for now I need to take some cold showers because one of the Canadians touched me.
I say this in the most affectionate way possible, but you're retarded. Good story!