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Google Knows Best

Posted by Antilla , 10 January 2010 · 695 views

Since Google does everything else for me, I've decided to ask it for a little psychiatric advice. It has never let me down before. Except that once. But that's in the past.

First off, I thought it would be good if I could ascertain what my interests are. My passions. So. I type "Trevor loves" in the search bar, sit back, and wait for the answers to fwap me in the face. The results are in. According to Google:


-Trevor loves Georgia (in fact i'm taking the next midnight train there)

-Trevor loves salmon temptations (meow)

-Trevor loves WAFFLES (YES)

-Trevor loves Dragon Ball Z and watching videos (totally)

-Trevor loves shaving his hair weekly (daily even)

-Trevor loves to work in the orchard and give rides to children (but not in that way)

-Trevor Loves His Ghetto. (i really do)

-Trevor loves to chase squirrels and rabbits and anything else that moves. (bad habit)




Interesting. Ok then, what are some things I hate wonderful-and-wise search engine?



-Magical Trevor Hates Mosquitoes (i am rather magical)

-Trevor hates Kentucky (stupid kentucky)

-Trevor hates women (unless they are making me cookies)

-Trevor hates techno (technotrons repent, or be made flaccid by the sword-like fist of righteousness)

-Trevor Hates People (grr)

-Trevor hates reading (school days, fool days)

-Trevor hates when he comes to visit and always begs his mom to take him back after a night when he was drunk and beat her. (ha)

-Trevor hates Gary and only agreed to do the track if he could shag Trisha in the back of Gary's Manta. (absolutely)

-Trevor hates loud music (i couldn't hear you)



Sure, the Trisha thing sounds bad, but you know. What do I want?


-Trevor wants 60 Minutes in a DVD box set (i'm pathetic)

-Trevor wants to watch (OH)

-Trevor wants a piece of Tiger (no comment at this time)

-Trevor wants to know what you think (well?)

-Trevor wants his tooth to come out, but he doesn't want someone to yank it out (ouch)

-Trevor wants to serve in public office or become a businessman (vote fer me)

-Trevor wants desperately to go to a weekend basketball camp (the weekday ones blow)

-Trevor wants to start a health center in Lira (they have a health deficiency there)

-Trevor wants a bit more style and a big engine (a really awfully big one)

-Trevor wants a woman (again -recall that cookie caveat)



This is all far too accurate. Unfortunately. You don't always get what you want. But sometimes. You might find. You get what you need. So what do I need?


-Trevor Needs a Foster Home (Dear Angelina Jolie ...)

-Trevor's needs change (and a few dollars too)

-Trevor needs SexNeon Samurai (that's what i'm talking about)

Trevor needs more care than Pamela Coughlan (and we all know how needy that Pamela can be)

-Trevor needs a fan club (he does)

-Trevor needs a haircut (probably)

-Trevor needs a vehicle that can transport his boys' toys (indeed)

-Trevor needs this sense of strangeness (it is vital)

-Trevor needs at least three swings (to do what?)

-Trevor needs to get his eraser out and start over (sad but true)



Eek. I just realized that Google is charging me one-hundred dollars an hour for this wonderful service. Robbery. I should wrap this up. What are some of my problems? Stuff I could work on?


-Trevor's problem is putting food in the sink and not washing it down the garbage disposal (i'm the best roommate ever)

-Trevor's problem is that he drank the Kool-Aid (please tell me it was sharkberry)

-Trevor's problem is that he can't sleep. (zzz)

-Trevor's problem is in some ways difficult to understand. (but it is easy to oversit)

-Trevor's problem is reproducible (under the right conditions)

-Trevor's problem is low pressure (i have a slow leak)

-Trevor's problem is his lack of a brain. (true)

-Trevor's problem is that he's not only very big, but also very fat. (oh dear)

-Trevor's problem is that he spends 99 percent of the novel fighting his love for Alana, and he admits it only in the third to the last page. (i'm methodical)

-Trevor's problem is that he doesn't have the balls to tell his girlfriend how it is and that he wants to hang out. (unacceptable)


And now. I am poor.




LMFAO! Who knew that Google was so into your life? Well, actually, I've known for a while that Google knows way too much about all of us ... so yeah.

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