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Christmas Giving Cultural Conundrum


The Human Torch
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My 16 yo son is now in his first serious relationship. My wife and I met the girl about a week ago, she's adorable and intelligent. This meeting happened at our house as my son and her had requested to hang out here all day last Saturday. I had no issues with that. My son's girlfriend shows up with a gift of baked goods, big tin of cookies from Costco. It's the holidays, hey, that's cool. After the visit my wife and I send the girl home with a gift box of chocolates from Costco. Merry Christmas!

 

Later I find out my 16 yo son's girlfriend and her parents have given my son $200 in cash, spent by my estimate an additional $100 on clothes and also bought my other 3 children presents by my estimate totaling $20 each. My son has known this girl and her family for one month, I don't know them, prior to my son and the girl entering into a relationship he was just being a good friend by tutoring her in Math (successfully, her grades went up apparently). My son's girlfriend is half-Korean, on her mother's side.

 

I feel Super Dickery for feeling like this about someone giving gifts, but I kinda feel this is inappropriate. A part of me wonders if they feel they are helping the less fortunate. We live in a poorer area of Anchorage, but we're middle class, my kids needs and quite frankly their wants are indulged. I mean my family has been to Disneyland three times within the last 7 years for 5 days straight each, a trip from Alaska. That **** ain't cheap or necessary. I feel the amount of generosity given to us would be better indulged with those that need it.

 

When my son told me about the two bills he was flabbergasted, as was I obviously. His girlfriend explained to him that her parents just love giving gifts and when my son (prodded by me) asked if he could return or pay the gift forward (well back) to them in someway she replied no and that her parents would not accept the money back. Then they show up today with the additional gifts I mentioned above. They are also constantly feeding him, says he's too skinny. This has to be a cultural thing right?

 

In private I asked my son, "Did you knock this girl up or what?" He said no. Thankfully. So other than feeling old and Super Dickery about my children getting presents I'm just all confused. Publicly my son, myself and my family have been nothing but profusely gracious and we feel that honestly, but I also feel it's all too much. I mean I didn't even spend two bills on my own son at Christmas.

 

Am I just a Super Dick or what?

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Yeah, I think it might be a cultural thing, and after what Spam said, I suspect they're preparing their daughter for marriage (dowry). Um, yikes. They may be flashing the cash to entice him to stick around.

 

If your son is uncomfortable, he could donate it to a charity or use it to buy something for a charity (probably too late for Toys for Tots, but something like that). He doesn't have to tell them. Or he could use it to get her family a modest gift (goody basket?). You don't want to get into the ongoing gift-giving, though.

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Re: the food thing: I have an Asian mother-in-law and can confirm she loves to feed people. However my Italian mother does the same thing.

 

Re: the gift thing: My in-laws used to be poor, but now they are more well-off. The dad (who is not Asian) buys all the gifts, and this year he bought us a lot. My family has the tendency to go overboard as well, so I don't think it's a cultural thing necessarily, but just a difference in how people view giving gifts. (Also could be making up for lost time, when they couldn't buy whatever gifts they wanted.) As for giving to the less fortunate, they do a lot of volunteer work with their church and donate money, so I don't think it's an either-or sort of situation. Your son's girlfriend's family could be the same way.

 

Like Cerina said, I wouldn't worry about it. If they do get offended that you didn't give the same types of gifts to their family, then that's a sign for your son to run faaaaar away. :p

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Thanks everyone. I've decided just to receive it as likely intended, generosity. This is my first experience with being the dad of a potentially active couple so maybe that had me thinking all suspicious and cynical. Then the cultural differences had me wondering about etiquette and also the Daniel Larusso + Ali comparisons that popped in my head probably didn't help either. Because my son is a twig and his girlfriend is the athletic cheerleader from a family across town. LOL

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I always hate when people give me gifts without warning. I never think of buying other people gifts, beyond those on my list, so coworkers and things just get me by surprise.

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Ridiculous but utterly true.

 

Someone in a superior position can give a gift without a need for reciprocity, someone in an inferior position can give a gift without a need for reciprocity. But equals require reciprocity.

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Personally, I'd rather not exchange gifts with people I don't know well because I hate getting something just to get something. I really love selecting gifts for close friends and family though.

 

I would feel guilty if a coworker or acquaintance got me something and I didn't reciprocate though.

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